Mail from the Fans
by LeoOsaka Bakura's stalker
Summary: SEQUEL TO OPINIONATED Yami Bakura shares his mass of fan mail with the general public. Definate character bashing and swearing, because Bakura does what he wants! Multiple AnimeGame crossoverishness.
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

Hello again all my loves. It is I, the great Bakura, and yes I am back again! This time however, I've to share my inbox and a half full of the amusing letters that have been sent to me by my awesome (and occasionally deranged) fans/worshippers. You know, you meet a lot of interesting people online...and I'm bored so I want to share...Don't question me!

So yeah, I'm not gone yet! Bwahahahaha! As Yami knows, I'm not very easy to get rid of!

So yeah. I shall make this introductory short and sweet, so I can amuse you with other things. Like my raw Bakura awesomeness...You know I speak truth.

* * *

_Leo: Here we go again everyone, this is the sequel to Opinionated, which has finally reached it's 30th and final chapter, and closing the book on that I decided to open up another book of a similar kind. This story is not me making up emails and such like the last one. In this authors who have taken their time to reading my previous fic have volunteered their help in sending to me what they would write to Bakura. And so this fic highly depends on audience participation. Unlike my journal fics, there is no need to write more than one, so if you wanna participate you can either PM me or email me. Otherwise, I hope you enjoy it! _

_A thank you goes out to those who have already contributed! You're awesome!_


	2. Fan Letter One

**Fan letter One**

I have recieved an email that sparks me attention (WTF now I sound Irish)and I thought to share it with more of my wonderful viewers. (Because you guys love me and all that jazz).

xxx

**From: girl.totally.stalking.bakura. **

**To: Bakura the spirit thief **

**Subject: None**.

To my lord and master, BAKURA! squee I can't believe I'm doing this. I love you so. Will you marry me? If not, can I at least be your loyal servant who brings the gasoline, matches, ropes, and lighters to burn Anzu, Mai, Shizuka, and Yami with?

Also, I want to know if you would live with me, my mother, and my step-dad.

BUT! To get to the actual point of this e-mail, and to not waist your time...

Why did you even waste your time on sending a hate mail to Haga and Ryuzaki? Did they ever e-mail you back? ...Haga scares me... Can we lock him in a room with Anzu and after four days set it on fire?

xxx

Okay to my dear friend, I was bored stiff, and that is the explanation on why I wasted my time on those two...Seeing as how I have TOO much time, I NEEDED to waste it...And you can onlyplaypokemon redso many times in a row for 36 hours straight each time...Yeah...Bakura needs no sleep..Bwahaha!

IWOULD lock those two morons in the room with her, but she's dead...So we have somethign to be happy about either way!

(Takes moment to pausediscussionto do a victory 'Anzu is dead' dance).

I WOULD live with you, however...Ryou is a possessive little hikari, now that I have fully corrupted him to the max. Besides...I set things on fire, and trash kitchens and send toasters (I have a grudge against those) to the shadow realm. I would get you in trouble...And ifnot, then well...I chew on furniture and eat slippers...You don't want me...

Yes you may be my servant...Wait, did you just ask me to marry you?Ummm...I'm sure there are abut fifty other people who will kill you if I did...You know I should SO host a death match thing where thewinner gets to marry me! Man, that would be better than a Chuck Norris andSteven Seagal movie PUT TOGETHER!

Heh...Well all that aside peace out homie! (I did not say that I swear)I hope I answered something!

xxx

And there you have it! Only one of the many fan letter filling up my poor inbox...Woe is me...pfft...NOT! (Basks in all the attention).

You guys know I love this!

* * *

_Leo: Big thanks to Under Finger and Thumb for that email! Ihope you guy enjoyed the beginning of it! I'm sure more will come!_  



	3. Fan Letter Two

_Leo: NOTE:_

_ANYONE may join this! You don't have to ask! Because we all know Bakura can't choose his fans! Just send me your 'email' to Bakura! And one way or another I WILL use it!_

**Fan Letter Two**

I find that this one is very much entertainment for my bored mind! Oh how I love to provoke people!

**From:****Plasmarc(AT)shrppntybm(DOT)com**

**To: Bakura the Spirit Thief**

**Subject: Bone to pick with you**

King of Thieves,

First off, thanks for reading this and not automatically sending me to the shadow realm, though you may change your mind later. Last night my 'Sharp Pointy and Boom' convenience store was robbed. Stolen was a plasma cannon, ten katanas, some PVC pipe, a blow torch, duct tape, fourteen grenades, a missle launcher, an AK-47, seven pounds of ammo and the store's whole supply of Beanie Babies. There was no trace of any suspect, no fingerprints, no way to tell who did it. My question to you is: What's with the Beanie Babies? Are they going to become your minions for world domination or is our view of the Thief King skewed?

With admiration,  
-Plasmarc

P.S. You know if you just fuckin asked I'd give you that stuff free damnit. It'd be good for business if people knew the badass King of Thieves came to my store and I wouldn't have to close down like the government wants.

xxx

Beanie babies are about as evil as Anzu...And they must all be annihilated (And I am fully aware that wordis spelled wrong). Thus I have taken to destroying all insight...But come oooonnnn! What kinda thief wouldI be if I ASKED? Tch! The pharaoh would never let me live that one down!He always remind me that I had to ask to steal something...

Uh...tell the government to shove it up there ass and fire? I'm sure they wouldn't know the difference...Oh...shit...can I get in trouble for saying that?

Oh apparently not...The pharaoh says we're not communists...Of course, the pharaoh is reading this! Bah...He helped me rop your store...sorry...I had to teach him somehow! You just happened to have a very ominiously deviously intriguing store. (In other words, sharp shit is attractive to the Bakura eye).

And you should feel special! I stole from your store! I chose YOU! Man...that soundedso lame...I apologize for that one...Seriously.And REALLY if they wanted to knwo who robbed your store they could SO readt his...Bwaha...but let them find me! You can't catch me! Mwahah! I'm bad ass like that. And conceited too! And you know you're nodding with me!

BWAAHAHAHA!

Oh and for anyone else...Please place a 'Bakuraplease do not rob me' sign in your window if you won't want me to...Not that I will comply, but I might take pity in your situation...

But don't hold you breath, my dears.

* * *

_Leo: Heh. This is actually MORE fun than Opinionated was...Because I can draw ideas fom a wider variety...I hope you guys are enjoying it so far! Feel free to email your own! Thank you to the author of this one!_

_And if you do decide to join the fun, I ask you to PLEASE PM me, or email me, and not put it in a review. I might accidentally overlook it if it's in a review! _


	4. Fan Letter Three

_Leo: I thought I would be benevolent and post two today!_

**Fan Letter Three**

This one...Well, kinda scares me...and that is teh very reason I shall show it to you! I'm creepy like that and I enjoy creepy letters, so sue me.

**From: krizzygirl206**

**To: Bakura the spirit thief**

**Subject: Hi I'm your obsessed fan!**

Dearest Bakura the Sexy,

Eep! I lurve you.  
Anywho, on to less important matters...  
1) Marry me  
2) Have my babies (Or I'll have yours, since I'm the girl)  
3) Why didn't you let me help kill Anzu!  
4) Why didn't you kill Shizuka too?  
5) You're so cute when you get angry and psycho!  
6) I will follow you into the Shadow Realm if you wanted me to.  
and 7) Answer the following:  
If you were to be stranded on a small island, and could only bring 3 things/people, what/who would it/they be?

With enough lurve to kill you,  
krizzygirl206

xxx

Okay krazygirl (your new nick name because they sound close enough).

One, I can't marry you because then you would end up torn to peices by the rabid fan girl that came before you. Or rather every other rabid fan girl...Man I'm just too cool! I get my own fleet of rabid fangirls! BAHAHA!

Two, I will have your babies...Just give meabout three thousand more years so I can mutate some ovaries...

Three, I'm sorry but Anzu was a personal one. I HAD to kill her myself. If it makes you feel better I'll give you a can of spray paint so you can vandalize her (poor excuse for a) grave.

Four, don't worry, Shizuka shall meet her death SOON! BWAHAHAHAHA!

Five...(Froths at mouth) I. AM. NOT. CUTE! I AM SEXEH! NOT CUTE! CUTE is RYOU! CUTEare KITTENS! CUTE is...NOT ME! Okay I feel better.

Six,I don't generally hang out in the shadow realm...I much prefur Kaiba's mansion for my manical planning location. After all...At least his mansion comes with a refrigerator...And a big screen TV...I will want Pegasus's though...When I do steal itI'll store it in the mansion (which will be refurred to as, The Base, from here on out.)

And lastly, three things to bring with me? Okay, glue, paper, and a box of toothpicks...If McGuyver can make an airplane out of that than SO CAN I!...DAMN IT!

And so alas,I do hope that has cleared up something for you my lovelies! By the end of this you'll probably know more about me than you want...But then again...by the time I'm done I'll have enough marriage proposals to create my own HAREM! FREAKING A! That is THE SHIT!

Man...I'm gonna go attack Kaiba's fridge now...Much love my friends/worshippers!

* * *

_Leo: Well I hope you enjoyed. I don't know when my mother will relinquish her hold on the computer, so I don't know when I'll be able to update, but don't stop from sending me for email to use!_


	5. Fan Letter Four

_Leo: Please email for PM me for this! I don't wanna overlook your message if you put it in your review! Okay three in a day...Well, they say three's a charm right?_

* * *

**Fan Letter Four**

Here's an interesting one...I tell you sometimes I think people have TOO Much time on their hands!

**From: Faith Moon and Jade Sun.**

**To: Bakura the spirit thief.**

**Subject: Bakura PWNS (okay I made that up, but you know I'm speaking TRUE!**

Dear Bakura, Sexy Bishounen Thief King and Future Ruler of the Earth

If there was a show called "Pimp my Hikari" would you enter Ryou? Would would you want him to look like afterwards?

Side thought: do you know a kaitou named Dark Mousy? Just wondering.

Oh, and P.S. My mom is away for the weekend and we just got a new pool. Do you like to swim? Bring your trunks. Or don't .

xxx

Grr...that bastard Dark tripped up my awesomely laid out plan to steal from some awesome antique shop...AND he got away with MY treasure...

But that's olay, I got back at him by tellingall hisbuddies at schoolwho he really is! Teach that bitch to steal the King of Thieve's shit! Grrr...

Pimp My Hikari? HELL YES! I want hikari to look all Gothy and stuff. With eyeliner and all. Mainly because it's more bad ass than that HORRIDLY British sweater he has...I mean I love British People and all...(I mean Def Leppard's band members are British.)

Hikari just needs some bad assery added to his appeal. Like spike bracelets, and red streaks in his hair...Or perhaps blue instead...Red fades into pink...Trust me I know.

Dude...I do NOT know how to swim...I swear it on my life...(I grew up in the desert people, playing with sand rats and eating dirt, I DO not swim!) If you can teach me without A. Letting me drown B. Making fun or me, and C. Groping or molesting me in any sort of way unless I give permission, then yes. I'll be daring and learn how to swim...What kinda bad ass would I be if I couldn't?

And yes, I am the future ruler of the world. Brownie points to you for making note of that!

And alas, yet another interesting letter from a fan! And oh I'll tell you! There arean ENDLESS supply of these!

So I'll be around I while,thank you very much!

* * *

_Leo: Okay...so yeah...This is really fun...can you tell?_


	6. Fan Letter Five

_Leo: Okay people, don't complain because I've posted so much today...You know you like it so hush!_

* * *

**Fan Letter Five**

This email...is like...almost as scary as some of the other ones...Oh my...

**From: namelessdamsel**

**To: Bakura the spirit thief**

**Subject: Ransom**

Dear Bakura, My Knight in Shining Armor

I know a LOT of people who would pay good money to see you make out with your hikari. Some say they would pay in gold. Would you do it? Please? ...No, really... I'm begging you... there's a hoard of rabid fangirls outside my window threatening me with pointy things if they don't get to see it...

Please save me  
Damsel in Distress

P.S. We are holding her for ransom. If you do not comply with our demands she will be killed. And we will burn your collection of pokemon cards. We know things about you Bakura. Just do it. We can see you.

xxx

NOOOO MY POKEMON CARDS! That's CRUEL! I tell you CRUEL! Don't burn my Lapras at least...Man, you people and your odd demands...So you're saying all I have to do is make out with my hikari?

Tempting...But no...I can't Kaiba is looking at me weird...Uh...So if Yami...But then again he's aiming at spit ball at me...

ACK.

Yami, you mother FUCKER! You hit me with another spit ball and I'll kick your scrawnyass.

Okaaay...Hm...I'm kinda avoiding this aren't I? Well shit...what should I do people? I don't know! Kiss hikari, free girl from rabid fangirls that I could probably wave off with the flick of a wrist. Hey...I should do that...!

Okay and thus your problem is solved! Aren't I great?

Yeah you know I am!

* * *

_Leo: Yeah and there's another one following this one..._


	7. Fan Letter Six

**Fan Letter Six**

This one is seriously amusing people. I think you'll aggree with me here! You'd be surprised how many people send me weird letters...

**From: Psycho.shadow**

**To: Bakura the spirit thief**

**Subject: FUCK**

Like, Hi!

Ok, so I'm a really big fan and fuck and I like WORSHIP you and fuck and I love seeing you make-out with Marik and fucking fuck. And I like the word fuck. Heh.

ANYWAYS! I have kidnapped your hikari and won't let him go unless you shave all your hair off and wax yourself down and let Marik use you as a surfboard. I MEAN IT! -crazy look-

Oh, AND MY GIRLFRIEND KNOWS WHERE YOU LIVE! .

And a little piece of advice. Love your enemies, they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to. -

ANDI MEAN WHAT I SAID ABOUT KINDAPPING RYOU!

xxx

Oh...I think I like YOU! You say FUCK a lot! And it's fun to say FUCK! FUCK! Woo hoo! And you can bite me dear. My hair is STAYING on my head. Though the wax sounds fun...

How exactly do you use one as a Surf board? Do you like lay down on the-...OOOOH...I get it now...HEY! We've got some homophobic followers here! I think...I could be wrong...But if the majority don't care then sure...I'll molest Marik...People pay attention to me when I do shit like that...

Yes I do love my enemies...Yami and I play duel monsters at The Base all the time and Otogi occassionally visits to wait on me hand and foot. So yeah, in a way I do love my enemies...In a Frienship (FUUUUCCCCKKK, you guys remember that I have to say fuck after everytime I say friendship right? FUCK.) sort of way...

Like...Keep Ryou and don't bring him back until you've gothed him up...I like, mean it! Hikari needs some bad assness in him. Yeah...and I'm sure hikari will make a good pet...

Oh and I know your girlfriend too! She's a SHITTY Editor! And you need to tell her she misses nearly ALL of my spelling errors and gramtical mistakes! And I bet you dollars to doughnuts that Gramatical is STILL spelled wrong in this draft!Tell ehr she SUCKS as an editor! Maybe she'll fix her inability to appease me! (Leo you suck).

And that wraps up another wonderful letter from a fan.

P.s. Shadow buddy, remind Leo to learn how to edit please? Thank you! Much love!

* * *

_Leo: Alright this is the last one for today...yes I know how sad you all must be...But hopefully there will be more! (There will be who am I talking about.)_


	8. Fan Letter Seven

**Fan Letter Seven**

I'll tell you what people even the people I know are hair brained sometimes! I'm not kidding! Sometimes I think people just plain forget to put their brain back in before leaving the house! Here's my GREAT example!

**From: Phantom.Thief.**

**To: Bakura the spirit thief.**

**Subject: Goddamn you fucking thief!**

I AM the ONLY thief you are just trying to copy me. I'm older than you. You're like what, 16? I am over 400 years old just for your information and look at me! I'm handsome as hell.

And why the FUCK did you have to go to my tamer's school and tell EVERYBODY that I was him! It's not my fault I ruined your plan...it just sorta happened... Because of you, Riku slapped him; Risa became a slut, and Satoshi MADE OUT with Daisuke! Okay...the last one was from his own will...okay so everything is a lie but now Daisuke is having a fan club and most of the girls are trying to molest him now! He won't even let me come out or he won't even leave his room!

Wait a minute? How the HELL did you know my secret? STALKER! Stalker! Stalker! I deem you a stalker! You're worse than Krad who I know keeps sneaking in my window and kissing me –twitch- It's not funny Daisuke! At least I didn't get kissed by creepy boy!

So in short now that I have told you about my life I will say, FUCK you British, nicey, nice cow! NOBODY can outsmart the great phantom thief dark!

So, Fuck yourself

Or better yet Anzu, Shizuka, Risa, and Mai

I know YOU'D LOVE to fuck those girls -perverted smile-

Love, Your new enemy

Dark Mousy

XxX

Dude…what the fuck? It takes bashing you on the INTERNET to get you to email me? WTF dude? And you brain dead idiot I'm 3000 years OLD! Or something like that…Actually I take that back I'm 3000 years YOUNG! So there.

DUUUUDE you KNOW you're supposed to contact me before going on a raid! That was the DEAL we made…GOD, you're worse than Yami… And man, I'm not a stalker you told me that when we all met up at the 'bad ass thief' meeting last Tuesday…Man your memory is shot to hell more than Yami's hair is horrible.

That's right Pharaoh I'm talking about you.

But seriously…It COULD be worse…you could all of a sudden be molested by all of said rabid fan girls…and boys…

Oh and tell Daisuke that he SERIOUSLY needs to lose the cute large innocent eyes look…I'm not kidding man…It decreases your coolness…And it reminds me of Yugi…Man that's not a good combination either…

And let's face it buddy…I would rather fuck YOU, than any of the girls you listed. End of story. I would go gay or castrate myself (not happening) before I touch any of them with a ten-foot pole if not for having intentions to kill, maim or just bloody beat the fuck out of them.

And I'm NOT BRITISH! I'm Egyptian you Mouse! (Haha, at least my name is cool!) And dude you may be the big bad Phantom Thief, but I've been dubbed King of Thieves, President of the Bad Ass Thieves Corporation, AND President of the "Hey Let's All Kill Stupid People" Organization! BEAT THAT!

So yeah…I win!

Argue and I'll demote you in rank…

And you know I will…

That's right…

Bow to my will…

Insert horrendously long echoing cackle.

XxX

_Leo: I just HAD to put this one next. To the one who wrote this, you've made my day by doing it! And you deserved to be rewarded by incorporating a subject from a previous chapter! Originality award for today goes to you!_


	9. Fan Letter Eight

**Fan Letter Eight**

Dun Dun Dun! I, the great and awesome Bakura gets HATE MAIL! Yeah, I know appalled aren't you?

**From: Teh Angel of Nocturne **

**To: Bakura the spirit theif **

**Subject: Bakura you poor wittle soul**

My Dear Tomb Robber, oh Bakura the Cynical,

You inexusable little horn-hair hottie… I'm starting to wonder where all these rabid fangirls are popping up from! You are being attacked, Ra-damnit!

But it's not like I care. Look, I have two words for you: new clothes. And don't say that Ryou makes you wear the sweater… otherwise you will be admitting your weakness to the scared little hikari! Ha, you're being controlled by a skinny English goody two-shoes! And the so 00ber black trench coat does not make it all better, or Kaiba's white one, despite what you might be thinking… I can read your mind Bakura for I have the Millennium Eye… I stole it off you in the Hot Topic changing room, hehehe.

And tell Yami I said kudos on the spitball, because frankly if I was present that would have been a dumbbell—yes the Shadow Realm would await me but your face would have been so priceless.

But now I shall get to the point of why I have written this obviously meanningless letter, oh pitifully powerful Bakura: I have captured the Pharaoh's brat (a.k.a. Yugi) and I am using him as target pratice for my rabid Pikachu plushies. And knifes. But I can't penetrate his hair—it just grows right back! I need your assistance—if you partcipate then you will get half the reward for the ransom I'm gonna put on him when I'm finished.

And I mean half—if you even dare to steal the rest from me I will put you in a padded cell with Anzu's dead corpse and a recording of Care Bears that specifically talks about friendship! Try to take my money if you DARE!

And can you please tell Malik to stop setting my house on fire! He thinks my sister has Yami Marik for ransom but I swear I gave him back… I think. I should check to make sure he still isn't living in her closet—he was in there for five days living off Fruit Roll-Ups.

And if you even think of helping Malik light the matches, I will, (and I swear upon this) , get Isis to lecture you on dental care! She's good at that… that's how I coaxed Marik outta her closet.

And just to be sure, don't even THINK about getting Malik to help you steal my money… if you do I will have my psycho sister do whatever she wants with Marik…WHATEVER! Oh, and she has fuzzy hancuffs—just so you know.

Hehehehe, poor Marik… I think I hear him screaming.

-Teh Angel

P.S. I have a picture of you making out with Mokuba that I made on the Internet… Kaiba's gonna roast you in his giant fire pit of doom next to the penquin exhibit at his mansion when I tell him via my stalking phone service….

And if you do not meet my demands—which are to feed me Cheerios while I dye your hair so that you look like Yami—I will bring all the Anzu fans to your house and make them castrate your skinny little ass.

I hear them chanting something… what is it now? "Friendship"?

Yes, that's what they say… "Friendship, friendship, friendship, friendship, friendship, frienship, frienship, frienship, friendship, friendship, friendship, frienship, friendship, friendship… FRIENDSHIP!"

(Now I have to say "fuck" sixteen times… and as a demand I want YOU to do it! Cause it would be funnier)

And they have rabid Pikachu plushies waiting for you too… so get your ass away from the computer and come feed me NOW!

XxX

Dear One Who Secretly Worships Bakura But Doesn't Want to Publicly Admit it,

Here are a few tips for you. The word "inexcusable" has a 'C' in it. Remember that. "Meaningless" Does not have two of the letter 'N' in it. "Practice" has Two C's in it. "Participate" has two I's in it. "Handcuffs" has a D in it. "Penguin" despite popular belief, is spelled with a G, (as in GAY), not a Q (heh as in QUEER). Oh and you misspelled Friendship (FUCK) on four accounts, making the four of them void.

Oh before I forget, 'knifes' would be properly written as "knives". Just for personal info.

Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck. (There I hope you're happy).

And YOU do not understand my hikari. I don't think it's a weakness to admit my hikari frightens me. I think it makes me manlier to admit I have a weakness! I'll have you know every time my hikari pulls that British 'Cheerio!' shit on me, I run away and lock myself in a bathroom stall.

Dude, I hate to tell you I am looking at the millennium eye as we speak. I've never been into a Hot Topic…I can't bring myself to go into Emo child central. It's not in me to lower myself to that extreme. OH! Wait! I know who you ran into! It was this guy that stalks me like crazy, I'm not kidding, he's molded himself to look just freaking like me…He's frightening…And of course he's got a replica millennium eye. I gave it to him so he would go away…You know how it gets being stalked after all the time…Oh wait…you wouldn't know would you? Sorry…I rubbed that in didn't I? Muahaha!

And seriously, do you think I would believe that a person, who can't coughSPELLcough, could use the millennium eye? Pfft, that'll be the day!

Dude, keep Yugi…

And I swear to all the gods…Okay lets make this more believable, I SWEAR to MYSELF that Yami was the one who just told me to write that…. And Yami's my buddeh, so bugger off!

And I'm not Malik's guardian; he just camps out under my bed and eats my leftover pizza occasionally. Though it's not as bad as Marik…He hogs the shower in the morning and uses all of my eyeliner. The bitch…

Whoa…how did you know Isis is my dentist? Yes I'm aware she doesn't have a degree, but she excavates old bones…so I guess that's the same deal…and she's mean when she's pulling teeth though…I mean damn…

By the way Kaiba is reading this and laughing his rich happy ass off and telling you to go fuck yourself…over side ways with a baseball bat. Kaiba's my buddeh too. And he's rich bitch (had to do that for he rhyme scheme!), so go ahead and TRY to carry out your threats! Kaiba gave me his checkbook just now! If I want I can have 50 trained army guys, Chuck Norris, Steven Seagal AND 5000 penguins (with a G not a Q!) at my aid! (Though I think you're seriously fucked when Norris gets a hold of you.)

Dude, if any one is getting fed Cheerios, it's ME! So there! Nah nah! And dude, you think your pikachu plushies can stand up to my hoard of Zubat plushies! (And as we all know, from playing the game Zubat is THE Most annoying and common pokemon, like EVAR.)

In conclusion to my very long reply, I want to thank you. You've amused me. Hate mail is fun! CoughUseSpellCheckCough.

My goodness…I've rambled on…I've got a Kaiba bank account to empty out!

Hey…Seto, I'm kidding…Seriously…don't creepy closer to me like that! I can see you in the reflection of the screen and I know you're reading this!

ACK NO! Don't turn off the computer!

You BAS-

XxX

_Leo: -giggle- I HAD to end it like that XD! Sorry guy, but it was too much amusement! And you know what, HUGE thanks to the writer of this! Bakura gives you a free hug card for it! I'm telling you! This is So much fun I should be shamed!_


	10. Fan Letter Nine

**Fan Letter Nine**

You know…I'm beginning to run out of things to say up here…man wtf am I going to do when I finally have nothing to say? Damn it…Leo, you're being a BAD editor AGAIN!

**From: Bakuras.newest.fangirl.**

**To: Bakura the spirit thief.**

**Subject: Two Questions.**

Dear Bakura, the sexy, awesome, kick ass duelist, and did I mention sexy?

I admit I was a Seto fan girl before, but I've changed! I'm now a fan girl of you! Me loves you! Anyway, I wanted to know two things:

1. Can I help you take over the world?

2. How many more fan girls do you think you have than Yami or Seto?

Signed the newest Bakura Fan girl,

Vannessa

P.S.- You rock! You should rule the world already. Baka Pharaoh.

XxX

Good Questions! First yes you may help me take over the world. Though you must promise not to be angry when I allow all 3.7892347 billion fan girls, currently stalking my every move, to also help me. I need a leverage you know. And there's nothing more powerful than a ridiculously large hoard of psychotic fan girls. Seriously, it's considered lethal to say you don't like me around 50 million of my loyal and devoted fans.

Also it is okay to both be devoted to Seto and me at the same time. (Of course that is if you like me more…just kidding!) Seto is one of my partners in crime therefore we fight off our rabies infested fans together! With baseball bats occasionally… But only the ones that bite or try to take limbs…Yami once lost his hair to a deranged fan…but it regenerated. The only other person I know who can regenerate is Heero Yuy…

(Which I will note, DO NOT FUCK WITH THAT MAN! He's psycho…Seriously! I mean MY GOD! He once single handedly escaped Alcatraz, AND built the ice cream stand at the entrance, with only his bare hands and an unfired pistol made of prison leftovers. How do I know this? One of his buddies is the vice president of the Bad Ass Thieves Corporation.)

But all points aside, I think its safe to say that we are well on our way to domination. One word to the general public and I could have the world in the palm of my fist! (Yes I realize what I just typed made no sense, that's why I left it…Do not patronize me.)

Also I do believe that MAYBE Seto and I are equal in fan girls…MAYBE. I give him the benefit of the doubt with that. However…Yami's hair makes him lose five for every six that he once had. Therefore…sorry pal I'm being honest! Your HAIR (or what ever it REALLY is) SUCKS ass! And quit whining at me Yami.

So I hope I answered your questions…If not then invite me over to your house so I can chew on your furniture.

Xxx

_Leo: I'm sorry guys! I HAD to add that Heero bit in there! The regeneration thing reminded me of a conversation a friend and I were having! And I just couldn't bring myself to NOT put it in there! And since this is like a 'talk to the character' fic, I may make other references to other anime characters, so don't be mad at me xD! And to the one who asked, yes,I am a girl._


	11. Fan Letter Ten

**_Leo: A quick note, if you sent an email thing, I WILL use it! I promise. I just have so many that it may be a while before yours shows up, but I WILL use it! So be patient my dears!_ **

**Fan Letter Ten**

Hmm…what's something random I can say up here? Ra Damn it…this space up here is like totally pointless!

**From: BlEeDiNgDaRkNeSs(AT)Hotmail(DOT)com**

**To: Bakura the spirit thief**

**Subject: Thank you...**

Dear Bakura...

Oh, My Ra! THANK YOU SO FUCKIN MUCH! Why you ask? Let me explain...

1. I USED to be an Yami fan girl, then I realized how much of a PANSEY ASS BITCH he is...and I hope he's reading this right now...that dumb fuck...ANYWAY...I got all my Pharaoh crap and burned it! I like Fire! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(Yes, I'm insane...AND I LOVE IT!)

2. My whole life, something has been missing, thanks to you, I've learned...I'm a Sadomasochist and a Pyromaniac! WHOO! KICK ASS! Finally, I fricken LOVE being one, life is fun...

3. Also, thanks to you, I learned I'm a great thief! Who fucking knew! Muahahahahaha! So...thank you Mighty and VERY sexy thief king, I owe you, I'll give you my world domination plans, in an attachment, they kick ass...I hope you like them...Also, have you ever heard of carving hieroglyphics into each other? It kicks ass! You...well, get a pocket knife, and carve them into each other, It's fucking awesome, yet, It's not fun with only one person...Care to join me? (Insert evil/sexy smirk here) My phone number is on the attachment! Call me!

Jenn.

P.S. If you ever need a minion, who loves bloodshed, I'm your girl.

XxX

Dear Pyromaniac ex-Yami loving sadomasochistic chick, (I'm sorry I had to do it! Man I should be an advice columnist should I?).

Anyways…you seriously don't need to thank me…except maybe for the Yami fan girl part…GOD, you better apologize to everyone for that! I'm just kidding…but seriously…for good measure you should…and yeah he's reading.

For whatever reason he's celebrating…Then again…He could be laughing at me for having to deal with the hoard of fans I've managed to provoke. 50 emails over night tend to get a little overwhelming…but I'm Bakura! I'm awesome! I can handle! It! And I swear on myself I just sat down and wrote replies to four of these! It could be because I have no life, but let's pretend it's not.

(And by the way people, I've taken Leo hostage, and if you don't tell her to be a better editor then I'll lock her in a closet until you do!)

And really, Yami's not THHHAAAAT bad….I only hate him with a burning passion that rages like a Florida Wildfire. See, it's not that bad…

Oh and a true Sadomasochist won't admit he's one until they catch him writing depressing poetry in his room, beating someone with a bull whip and scratching rusty nails all up his arms! You've got work to do missy! Get to it!

And I CREATED hieroglyphic body art! (a.k.a. carving hieroglyphs into yours or someone else's skin with a hot knife). And dude, that's a gender specific ritual! You can't mix genders for that! It ruins the effect! Besides…guys are afraid to hurt chicks, and girls are spiteful and write mean things (experience knows). That's why I got my buddy Marik! After all he's the only other person I know who can Calligraphy Hieroglyphs as fancy as he does (his only deeming quality)…He carved the one on my thigh that says 'Jesus East Babies'!

And don't worry about plans for world domination! I've already got that one WELL figured out!

So alas I leave hoping I've left someone at ease! Catch you later my homies! (I promise not to say that again).

xXx

_Leo: You know, some times I question where I come up with half of the disturbing shit I do…But I'm not even gonna question it any more…You guys don't secretly loathe me and want me dead…I know it…NO, I'm NOT paranoid…Okay…uh huh…yeah on to the next one…I've got a shit load…And Bakura's getting pissy with me…_


	12. Fan Letter Eleven

**Fan Letter Eleven**

Man…I'm hungry…I want cake…what? I couldn't think of anything better to say!

**From: Bakuras.evil.fan**

**To: Bakura the spirit Thief.**

**Subject: You are awesome!**

Dear badass thief king Bakura,

You are so sexy! How do you make yourself look so sexy? It must be the magic, right? You have to tell me where you shop! You know, you should try out for a rock band or punk band or...hell you need to sing! You would look so hot up there singing on stage! You'd have so many more fan girls at your hand and foot!

You know something? I look up to you! I want to be just like you! I want to be a thief; of course, I'd never be as good as you, since you are the king. I need some quick tips on stealing and being a badass! Since you're the pro on it I figured I would just ask you. Oh! Here is another question for you. How do you get your hair white like that? It looks really sexy on you. I can't wait for when you take over the world! Let me know if you need any more pets, cause I'm up for adoption!

Yours ALWAYS

bakuras.evil.fan

P.S: tell Kaiba he owes me $10 for crashing into my house!

Xxx

I'm just sexy because I'm awesome like that! I was sexy before the magic came into the picture…Though I was a bit deranged back then…HEY! What do you know! Nothing's changed! Except I have a hikari…(And a stupid editor). Believe it or not I shop only the finest shops! Don't know the names because they're French, Kaiba has a deep wallet you know, and I get paid a LOT by him! Of course most of the time I steal the shit anyways…but I just wanted to gloat on the fact that I have money too!

And me, in a rock or punk band? Oh no…Bakura does not listen to punk music! Bakura is child of the old music…You know that stuff you new age kids probably frown upon. For instance, 60's, 70's and most definitely 80's…Probably because I was stuck in the millennium ring owned by a guy who always stuck the ring right next to his stereo, and left it there for 30 fucking years…That's right I can sit here right now and give you every lyric to every Pink Floyd song that has ever existed. Speaking in Internet lingo for a moment, Classic Rock Pwns. (And mother fucker…I want my British Flag pants back Yami!)

If you would like to be badass like me you should apply for membership in the Bad Ass Thieves Corporation! We take beginners now too! After all we have to train our protégés. And my hair was made white when I first laid eyes on Yami's hair. I was so horrified that my hair immediately faded white in hopes of avoiding changing colors like a mood stone. Yeah the MOOD STONE OF DEATH!

But really, my hair is naturally white. I'm what you people call an albino. White hair, red eyes. Granted back in Egypt people thought I was just a freak. But I WAS an Albino! I Just had a nice tan! So Frekking sue me! And no that wasn't a typo. (Unlike a stupid SOMEONE cougheditorcough I catch most of MY errors.)

Oh and Kaiba said he'll send you a check in the mail, he said it's not his fault…He didn't know the penguins would jump on the dashboard when he relocated them…

Trust me when I need to take over the world I will need every deranged fan I can get. Well maybe not…I've got Gundam Pilots on my team…But I like having my fans help me…It makes me feel special…No actually it makes me feel like a dictator, but who's really making note of these things?

Okay…perhaps the fifteen psychotic fans suction cupped to my window…

But seriously…

I have black curtains…they don't count….

Do they?

XxX

_Leo: You know…I have a feeling this will be a very LONG fic…and in a very SHORT time xD! I should have done this long ago! Now I wanna do one for another series XD! God you people have to stop giving me ideas! Or I'll NEVER finish all my fics!_


	13. Fan Letter Twelve

**Fan Letter Twelve**

Dude…. wtf…I swear I just heard a Christmas song on the radio…I'm not kidding! The Great Bakura does not LIE! (Yes that was random…)

**From: Future.Queen.Of.The Bakura the spirit thief.**

**Subject: oMfG I like caps! (Okay I made that one up, but it seemed fitting!)**

Dear wonderfully gorgeous, hot, smexy, hot, sexy, really hot, hot King Of Thieves,

... MARRY ME! ... Yeah, yeah, I know. FUCK THE RABID FANGIRLS! THEY CAN ALL GO TO ANZU BITCH HELL! SHIZUKA TOO! AND THEY SHALL BE DEPRIVED OF COFFEE! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!

...WTF?...There's pancake batter on my keyboard... HOW THE FUCK DID THAT GET THERE?...Fuck...Fuck Fuck Fuck...Fuck...

Steals Lapras card and runs away

Signed,

Future.Queen.Of. In Dire Need of Prozac,

If I married EVERYONE who's said that me I would be more of a pimp than Kaiba has become…and it's scary, I mean really. It's cool for Kaiba, but me? Naw, I'm better cool and badass, rather than pimped.

Oh…I hate to be the bearer of bad news my dear, but when you've typed an entire paragraph in demented ranting (in CAPS no less) in my general direction, with the words 'marry me' in there, you've officially become a fan girl… When you've typed Bwaha, with 36 letters and 24 exclamation points…you've officially gained rank of rabid. In a way you should feel privileged…

And by he way, if you have a male living in your house, I assure you that that is NOT pancake batter on your keyboard. I suggest getting a new one for good measure. Just a suggestion though…Personally I wouldn't have thought it was pancake batter to begin with, but after 3000 years contemplating ways things can be turned into horribly bad innuendos I'm a little tainted.

And HEY! Bitch give me back my first addition mint condition holographic Lapras CARD!

…

Oh…wait…

That was my decoy…Okay, you can have it then…I'll never tell you where my real one is! Muahaha!

It's a secret!

XxX

_Leo: xD -giggle- silly people. OH and by the way, if you send me your email thing, I make a promise not to edit it, but for your benefit I will fix spelling errors and such, unless it benefits me in some way! Also every time I put parenthesis in the chapter, that is Bakura talking. Most of you who've watched my fanfictions know that I DO NOT EVAR put an authors note anywhere other than before the chapter begins and after it is over. Just thought I'd point that out. _

_And I also seriously hope you guys don't mind me doing the semi-crossover references I make with the other anime characters...I just figured it be more humor to add! _


	14. Fan Letter Thirteen

**Fan Letter thirteen**

Damn it…rawr…now I have to apologize…. Grrr…I stole Xelloss's motto…so there, damn priest, I stole your fecking quote last chapter…('That's a Secret' should be open for anyone! But NOOOOO he has to go and use it all the effing time!) Be thankful you squinty eyed bitch, that's a much of an apology I will give!

**From: hikarinodarkness**

**To: Bakura the spirit thief**

**Subject: MEOW!**

Hello, You know I can almost feel sorry about what had happened to you in the past, but hell if it didn't you wouldn't be the drop dead drool worthy sexy psycho you are today, and that would be the end of all evilness, Hey I mailed you some eyeliner, and hot topic spike wrist bands, to give to your squee-able hikari, ugh I have to go brother found out about me sticking small annoying creatures in the microwave (there EVIL).

Hikari the darkness.

P.S. Thank you for killing that annoying freak of a being…Ooh and also can you tell Marik to STOP leaving the bodies over here!

XxX

My past is passed…. Haha, horrible joke in there. If you didn't get it then that is why it is horrible, see? I'll stop now… But you're right I wouldn't be alive now (well as alive as a dead person gets) if I hadn't gone crazy and tried to kill the pharaoh while attempting to banish the world into darkness.

Oh my god! I have to bitch about this! Hikari read my bashing of his clothing again and bought me…a …a …floral sweater! And he gave me the "if you don't wear it I will say 'cheerio' AND find a way to bring Anzu back from the dead" look! It's unfair! I can face the Anzu bitch, because I'll kill her as many times as it takes to make sure she's 100 percent dead. But I won't stand to hear hikari say 'Cheerio' One. More. Fucking. Time!

I gave him the wrist bands by the way…I don't know if he uses them…But lets hope neh? I kinda stole the eyeliner though…Hey I need SOMETHING to bribe Malik with when he's threatening the life of my microwave. You see I give him the eyeliner if he walks away from the machine…so it was necessary! Hikari is not ready for eyeliner yet anyhow…He's still getting over the multiple ear piercings.

And what the hell is up with people sticking animals in microwaves! Tch, you know I tried to tell Marik that you really SHOULDN'T stick cats in the microwave…One for religious reasons, you know being Egyptian and all, and second because of the door blowing off and blood spraying across the kitchen, not to mention a pissed off hikari, who is now intent to prove that he's been corrupted so much by me that he can be deviously wicked WITHOUT my help!

There is no justice….

And you're welcome Anzu deserved to die…by the way I dug up her grave and threw her body in the ocean. She doesn't deserve to waste good burial plot space. And all you have to do is roll up a newspaper and smack Marik in the face, then rub his nose in what ever he left you. That should do the trick.

Then again…

I wouldn't hold your breath on that…

XxX

_Leo: If you don't know who Xelloss is, then don't worry about it, he's from Slayers Next and Try. Well off I go to write the next one up xD._


	15. Fan Letter Fourteen

**Fan Letter Fourteen**

Motherfucker…Now I have to apologize to Wufei for stealing his 'this is an injustice' bit in the last letter. Goddamn it…I'm not apologizing to any more of you phrase stealing BASTARDS! I still think anyone can say them! But NOOOOOO!

**From: cheeky-eyes**

**To: Bakura the thief king.**

**Subject: Dude what was up?**

Ok. Hey Bakura. I just want to know what the fuck was up with you stealing the old pharaoh from his grave? I mean seriously! Surely you could have at least resurrected him and made him your slave. WHY DID YOU GO INTO A GRAVE AND STEAL A CORPSE? I mean really! There were sooo much better things you could have stolen and pissed of Yami with. Really! Ok, hope the thief thing works out for you.

See Ya.

XxX

Wow, I'm shocked no one before you has asked this question. I mean seriously it's a great question that deserves answering.

You looong ago I was a strange, strange freak of nature, not much has changed huh, and I figured 'oh hey dead bodies are cool, let's share my fascination with dead bodies with my buddy', Atemu back then (god he had a retarded name), and so I found the nearest grave. Stole a few things along the way. You know I really miss that red cover coat. And brought a random body back to the palace! Of course I didn't REALLY know it was the pharaoh's body, apparently Yami thought I was being mean and decided I couldn't be his friend anymore…isn't he mean?

But seriously, all joking and bullshit aside, I stole the corpse to grab his attention so that he would be FULLY aware of my killing his ass. Besides that was the body of the bastard that DESTROYED MY CHILDHOOD AND MAKE ME A BLOOD THIRSY INSANE FREAK WITH A LUST FOR ETERNAL DARKNESS AND SUFFER ABROAD! But no hard feelings against him…really. Bastard…

And if I want slaves I'll pass out cards that say "Bakura will hug you if you become his devoted slave for the rest of your miserable and worthless life". And the problem of slaves is fixed.

And of course the thief thing will work out!

I'm the biggest, most badass thief EVAR!

And don't you forget it!

XxX

_Leo: I do, in fact, know all about Bakura and his Ancient Egyptian stuff, however, I'm not going into great serious detail about stuff like that. So If I leave something out in emails like this one above, then don't get mad at me please!_

_I'm working on an Email fic, kinda like this one with another person, _

_http / www . fanfiction . net/s/2937779/1/ - Just take out all the stupid spaces .. _


	16. Fan Letter Fifteen

**Fan Letter Fifteen**

I just found out the hard way that "Hotel California" is a creepy song late at night…with all the lights off…Seriously…And I listened to it twelve times in a row…I know this little part up here is loosing all of its usefulness…but I still wanna put SOMETHING up here…makes me look a little LESS lazy…

**From: psycho country girl.**

**To: Bakura the spirit thief.**

**Subject: Random**

Hey Great, Evil, Sexy, Bakura,

I have to admit from one psycho to another this is quite a good story you have here with the fan letters. I may not act like a psycho online but see me in real life; I might be able to scare YOU! I am also a quizilla writer. I've written one-shots where your fellow members off the show have gotten drunk, been pranked to humiliation, and who knows what else I can do to them. I must ask though, why do all of your fans want to see you fuck Ryou or Marik? In my opinion it's gross. Please don't do anything like that! At least not in front of people who are on the side I am on. Anyway if you ever need a psycho Queen by your side, I'm here for ya.

Psycho country girl.

xXx

Dear Psycho,

I don't know why people want me to molest my hikari or baka Marik. But in honesty I will say that I would MUCH sooner swing that direction than say, TOUCH Anzu (who's dead so it doesn't matter), Shizuka or Mai. I think any self-appreciating man would agree with me. And I won't say anything negative on that matter, because I don't wanna piss off fifty thousand obsessive Yaoi fans. (Not to mention my editor's gay and might go on strike...Hold on…that's not necessarily a BAD thing….) But don't worry, for you I won't do any of that sort.

Of course that's completely nullified and void if I'm drunk.

I'm thinking about stealing my editor's Quizilla account to use as I wish. Hey, I once went on Quizilla and took a quiz and I turned out to be Yami Marik…How the FUCK does that work? And Marik turned out to be Kaiba. And Yami was Anzu…. Needless to say Yami killed himself right after. Of course we DID resuscitate him…I do actually feel sorry for him about that. Heh then we tried another quiz, one of those 'what kinda forest creature are you' type things, I was a Centaur, Marik was a Tree, and Yami was a Faerie! Ain't that rich!

And seriously, you CAN'T scare me. I'm fairly mild behaved online actually. (My editor can attest for that, she's still mad because I rounded up thirty live turkeys in her living room…and plucked all their feathers off too…They didn't die though…but they WERE cold…and so I gave them all the blankets in the house. Needless to say Leo wanted to shoot ME with the Browning, a type of gun for those who don't know. )

Though I don't' think I'll be needed a queen anytime soon…I'm just too badass on my own! Bwaha!

And you all know I speak only truth.

XxX

_Leo: Yes people, I'm trying to see how many times Bakura will bash me in this fic. (This is my way of punishing myself for every mistake I've made…You see Bakura makes few mistakes...but I make lots xD) Bakura should lighten up though xD without me there would be more mistakes in here than there are existing Yuugioh cards!_


	17. Fan Letter Sixteen

**Fan Letter Sixteen**

This is the reply from my first letter from a fan!

**From: girl.totally.stalking.bakura. **

**To: Bakura the spirit thief **

**Subject: RE: None**.

To my lovely Bakura: Oh! Thank you, thank you thank you! –hugs- Can I live with you instead?

Okay... I really have nothing to say… Hm…

I've always wondered this, but if you were ever locked in a room with Pegasus for a week, would you have sex with him?

Is so, would you video tape it and sell copies on e-bay?

If not... please?

-Love your faithful servant, mwuah.

XxX

If I were locked in a room with Pegasus for a week my friend I would not come out of it alive. I would shoot myself with a makeshift ANYTHING that could be deadly…he looks like a child molester…(kinda like Trieze). And no matter how he tries to 'fix' himself he's still creepy. And in that 'hey I molest little boys' kinda way. It makes me shiver every time he says Yugi-boy or Kaiba Boy….It's just creepy!

And unfortunately I bounce back and forth between hikari's house and my editor's, whom I think should be shot and hung for not being able to edit even the most obvious of mistakes and killing the computer by pressing the moon button one too many times. So yeah…I think I'm good for a home buddeh, but maybe I'll visit! Unannounced of course, I don't want you killed by the rabid fans, you know how that is.

And E-bay is the devil. I tried to sell mail truck on there and only got 500 bucks for it…I mean wtf? Of course I got arrested for stolen property, stuck in jail and begging my hikari to come claim it wasn't me…So in the end Yami got the brunt end of that…Yeah, Haha! He's got a criminal record because hikari was so good at convincing them it wasn't me! Of course I don't think hikari was anticipating that I would turn around and pin it on Yami. And so he gave me the "I'm disappointed in you" speech when we got home…Hikari makes me sad sometimes…

I hope that answered your (very strange) question…as disturbing as it was…

XxX

_Leo: I got about fifteen more to type XD rawr, I better get to it! _


	18. Fan Letter Seventeen

**Fan Letter Seventeen**

My interesting friend Psycho shadow, who happens to be my editor's girlfriend, has replied from the last letter I replied to back from Fan Letter Six I think it was?

**From: Psycho. Shadow.**

**To: Bakura the spirit thief.**

**Subject: RE.**

Heh, I will like, so totally Goth Ryou up! Hee! Time to put my old black make-up back into good use! And now I have a reason to use my spiky collar again! And my stilettos! Ooooh! And my black hair dye shit!

And yeah, sorry about Leo, she does a shitty ass job of everything. I've tried whips, but they no work! What do you use on Ryou to make him do shit you want?

I'd gladly take over as your editor! I need to do a little dominating over Leo. She's too ... seme-ish right now!

Now if you'll excuse moi, I need to go find better whips. -Wanders off-

Oh and who said I was talking about the hair on your head, my dear Baku-chan -evil grin- (Btw, I got the idea from Mummy Returns, crappy film, but funny)

Sending you broken hearts and bloodied doves,

Shadow Desdemona

XxX

The only thing hikari lacks now is the leather shorts and knee-high boots. Think Gackt people. (He's like my Heero……… BWAHAHA! Oh my god, I seriously did NOT mean to add that second 'E' in that! It was habit! I swear! OMG Heero, buddy, don't kill me for that pun please!)

You're right, my gender confused Editor does a shit ass job of everything…and now she's frothing at the mouth throwing her mass of twenty-five pillows that tower her bed at me. I'm still mad at her for not giving me cake…the bitch.

Unfortunately I can only bid you a good luck on controlling my psycho editor (who STILL hasn't edited the previous chapters! Even though she JUST figured out the export feature and has no damn excuse.)

The movie "The Mummy" and its sequel were god awful…except the knife fighting…and the Bad guy in the first movie was pretty kick ass…He was bald! And NOT Vin Diesel…so everyone's happy! I have learned to stop watching TV and movies…much modern stuff just plain sucks ass. Instead I sit in Hikari (or Editor baka's) room and entertain myself on the computer…Yep I'm pathetic in that sense.

Lacking of a real life will do that to you.

I'm still the most badass thief EVAR, and don't you forget it!

XxX

_Leo: Waaaaah even my girlfriend picks on meeeee! Bakura, you are a cruel, cruel master…. If I don't get to your immediately, don't get mad at me. I already said I will use every one that comes to me. But you've got to have patience...Okay?_


	19. Fan Letter Eighteen

**Fan Letter Eighteen**

Hahaha! My 'hate mailer' replies! And it's a doozy! Haha, I said doozy…

**From: Teh Angel of Nocturne**

**To: Bakura the spirit thief **

**Subject: I love and hate you, you bitch**

Dear Bakura, who loves being absolutely meticulous on spelling to the point of insanity,

Make no mistake: I am a wonderfully obsessed fan of thee, and I will be for as long as I am able to read my Yu-Gi-Oh! Mangas and watch my Yu-Gi-Oh! DVD collection (when I have one). I just am able to retain some sort of a free will and determination to not become a malignant growth off the side of your thigh… coughstupidfangirlscough.

And I CAN spell, you stupid Ra damn thief! My computer has been acting wacky this whole week from some virus and spy ware we obtained from Ra-knows-where, and it screwed up my spell check. I wanted to get this out to you as soon as possible so I neglected to check it for errors. That was it, you stupid motherfucker… embarrassing me as such you should DIE! So sue me, you bastard.

Actually, don't sue me… of course, you could, but all you would get would be my Kingdom Hearts II game and my small collection of cards that go with my deck… which could so kick your scrawny ass, by the way. That would be all… and I might give you my sister as something, except she would ride on your vacuums and steal Marik from your shower, along with all the black eyeliner.

Anyway, I do love you, with my completely Yu-Gi-Oh! obsessed heart.

I am a Yami fan girl (tell him that, I'm sure he'll get a kick out of it), but you hold a special place in my heart… as in my sympathy for psychopaths, which isn't too large a space, mind you.

And why did you consider this hate mail? I, in no way HATE you, oh cynical and childhood-deprived Bakura… I just get a kick out of bashing you, along with my friends, family, and my cat. I enjoy knocking people down until they are crying for their dead mommies… which I shall have you do soon, in my very real but not dreams.

And tell Kaiba to shove it up his equally scrawny I-wear-trench-coats-and-jumpsuits-because-I-can ass… how was I supposed to know you were all buddies? Tell him I never liked him in the first place… then tell him to read a SetoxMokuba fanficiton. Ha, that'll show him…. Then tell him not to kill me with his army of penguins (Ha! Take that! It has a "G" now, mister spell-check crazy ass)

(Those stories scare me to shit. Never read them, they are Satanic, I swear)

…Zubat is annoying, right?

I will keep Yugi, because his hair makes for easy storage of things I don't want my Mom to find… my sis uses his hair for storage too… that's where we hide Marik.

By the way, I know you're not his guardian, but PLEASE, you're his friend… can you just get him away from my sister! I think she's corrupting him. (And he's using up all my black eyeliner… it's a stub now, PLEASE HELP ME OR I WILL SEND OUT THE BLOOD THIRSTY ANZU FANS TO GET YOU!)

(Actually I never did tell them to stop their attack… I think they're surrounding your house in a few minutes… better head for a storm basement or something because they have friendship stickers and they are not afraid to use them. They will not be tempted by Bakura hug cards either.)

Oh yeah, and I almost forgot… FRIENDSHIP, FRIENDSHIP, FRIENSHIP, FRIENDSHIP! Say it, you cruel snow-haired bastard, SAY IT!

And if that was your stalker that I encountered, I think you should get out a scythe and start a killing spree for this guy, because, despite the fact that he is a fake, he looked a WHOLE LOT HOTTER THAN YOU! Seriously, he made you a real badass in those Hot Topic clothes… which by the way I was only there for my sister I actually despise Hot Topic… except they sell Eeyore plushies that are just so SQUISHY!

And hey, I have a question for you, Bakura the Incredible Spell-Checker! Why is it that you hate Hot Topic (as you so deemed it "the Emo child central") but you would pimp up your hikari to look just like one of them heart-broken ninnies? You are MESSED up, you damn hypocrite of a thief king….

But if it's any constellation, I still love you and think that you are awesome. You are a psychotic, meticulous about spelling (I am an A+ student you fucker blame my spell check being broken so ha!), insane, laugh like you have more than a zero per cent chance of taking over the world, and have hair the shape of horns (by the way how the HELL did you get your hair to do that? And ask Yami how he does his hair… I'm curious), but other than that, you are a beloved hottie. And I will be writing more, thank you. Be expecting my next letter soon, as I will update you on Marik's condition… if I get him away from my little sis. I think they're playing hide and seek… and Marik's been hiding for two days.

Oh, and if there are any errors in this paper, PLEASE hesitate to point them out.

Your Fan Who Does Worship You and Hey Who Said It Was In Private,

Teh Angel

P.S. My little sister wants to know if you can donate money for her to have some hair gel—she thinks she can lure Marik back out with it. She also wants you to know that she's as big a fan as I am of you… she just likes Marik more.

P.P.S. Akefia looks way hotter then you. You should try to look like him, fucker.

Xxx

Hey! It's my buddy again! And at least this time you didn't spell atrociously! Though dear, you might want to know that it's "consolation", not "constellation"! But I did get a mad giggle out of that, since it looked like you were talking about STAR FORMATIONS…but no worries, I'm sure we ALL make mistakes sometime! (coughbakaeditorcough).

Though it's funny you say that you're an A student, but blame it on spell check, when you should have spelled it right the first time if you were so smart, neh? Oh yeah, that's a BURN! And did I embarrass you? I'm sorry it wasn't intentional. I'm just generally an ass hole like that…

…And WTF? You're JUST discovering that I'm a hypocrite? GOD! What kinda villain would I be if I WASN'T a hypocrite? I thought you people know these things? I'm shocked…

Trust that I won't sue you…I think getting Kingdom of Hearts is a punishment…Isn't that right Sephy? PUNISHMENT! Dude…Yami wanted me to tell you he hates you…Well mainly for the fact that he's in the house that is currently being surrounded by the Anzu fans…I switched houses overnight…And apparently they still think I'm in there…Poor Pharaoh….I might go back and save him…When I'm done typing, sleeping and watching the I Love the 80's 10 hour marathon on VH1.

And I'm not childhood deprived! I make sure to shit myself at least once a week! …But all joking aside, so what if I'm childhood deprived! You say that like it's a BAAAD thing! Oh silly, silly girl! I call it hate mail because you said Friendship more than ten times…(FUCK).

And PLEASE girl…I had to spend half an eternity (okay it was a week but it felt like half an eternity) in the company of Anzu, Jounouchi and Honda…There's NOTHING you can do or say that will be worse than that. Period. End of story. But I bid you good luck trying…I'm actually more amused than offended…Actually I rarely take offence to anything…that is until you mention Anzu or friendship (FUCK).

Dude, Kaiba's gonna send his penguins after you just for suggesting he read a fic where he gets freaky with his UNDERAGE BROTHER! God…He says he'd rather castrate himself. And judging by the look on his face, I believe him.

(And yes they are satanic.)

(And yes, Zubat is the devil. But I still miss my Zubat plushie…)

Oh! And Kaiba bought me the GREATEST computer EVAR! It types as I talk! So when I don't feel like typing I talk to it and it types it for me! I don't use it in the presence of Yami though…he likes to randomly insert shit. Don't know why I mentioned that…But I did so there…

And if ya wanna get rid of Marik just stick him in a large box and mail him to Alaska…You know where ALL the unwanted mail goes… It takes approximately 9 dollars to mail him…At least it did last time I shipped him off. Then again mail rates have gone up since then…

And I refuse to step foot in a hot topic…or I might be infected with depression…I never said I waned my hikari Emo (and if I did it was a typo)! Granted it WOULD be better than his British "cheerio" look. I indicated that I wanted my hikari to look like a GOTH/PUNK…There is a difference….Emo brats cry about everything and claim originality when every other fecking emo in the world does the same thing…so yeah…(And WTF how lazy can you be when you have to buy pants that are ALREADY ripped? GOD! How uncreative! Go rip your damn pants yourself! Don't buy them from hot topic! …I don't know who that was directed at, but if the shoe fits…).

Why must everyone in the world infer upon my hairstyle? Geeze, there is no secret! Same with Yami! We just haven't brushed our hair since we were born…It's called "eternal bed head"! Granted mine comes out better than the pharaoh's…but we can blame it on the fact that he's shorter…Why? I don't know, but he is and that's god enough for me.

And your sister should ask the pharaoh if she could borrow his supply….

So yeah…I look forward to your letters…they amuse me….

The meticulous spelling and grammar checker,

Bakura.

P.S. This sentence: ("You are a psychotic, meticulous about spelling (I am an A+ student you fucker blame my spell check being broken so ha!), insane, laugh like you have more than a zero per cent chance of taking over the world, and have hair the shape of horns (by the way how the HELL did you get your hair to do that?") Makes no sense…Dear, I think you forget to get to the point here, no? I'm a psychotic what?

And if only to make you feel better, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck. With a few added in for good measure.

P.S.S Dude, WTF is with the referring to my past self as 'Akefia' and acting like he is a separate person? God, you fan girls are psycho…and who ever made up that horrid name, and uses it should be shot…. (coughLeocough). My name was BAKURA, then and NOW! End of story.

I shall await the next letter, so that I may critique the hell out of it simply for my personal amusement.

…

On an unrelated note…

…Will you people stop harassing me about killing YAMI! OMFG if you kill him then I will NEVER get my British flag pants back!

XxX

_Leo: xD Dude, round of applause for Angel of Nocturne! I love long and abstract letters! Angel you earned the creative award for today!_


	20. Fan Letter Nineteen

**Fan Letter Nineteen**

…Hmm….GOD DAMN IT! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO PUT HERE…Ow…I just bent my finger backwards…

**From: Brianna.Bakuras.Fangirl. **

**To: Bakura the Spirit Thief**

**Subject: You Rock.**

Dear Bakura,

You rock. I love your hair; it looks like you have devil horns poking out of it. And, you're so sexy and evil.

I'll gladly help you annihilate Yami and Anzu the friendship (fuck) bitch. I say fuck whenever I have to say friendship (FUCK!) too.

Your fangirl,

Brianna.

XxX

It's very important to remember to say FUCK after you say friendship (FUCK); I think everyone should make a habit out of it. Friendship (FUCK) is for pacifist bitches…and chances are if you're a pacifist, you're NOT reading this…

And of course my hair looks like devil horns! I devil like me needs to look the part! …Okay I apologize for that bad pun…I won't do it again…I promise…

Unfortunately for you I've already annihilated Anzu, and I have to keep Yami alive until he returned my cloths…that bastard…I'm telling you he keeps them because he knows I won't kill him if he has them! God…conniving bastard…I WOULD just steal them back, but I have NO idea where he put them…I've already fully searched his room…without his knowledge of course…Granted I could just BUY a new pair of British Flag pants…but these are special! I stole them from the lead singer of Def Leppard! They're SPECIAL!

Well, now I'm off to relish in the fact that I just got a brand new Eagles CD…. So yeah…now I must go blow my ear drums out!

Yours truly,

God. (No seriously…I am god.)

XxX

_Leo: Damn it…I want British Flag Pants ;-: and I'm not even British... _


	21. Fan Letter Twenty

**Fan Letter Twenty**

Damn at twenty already…And what the heck is up with my own supposed friends emailing me! GOD! You guys won't leave me to my own personal gloating will you?

**From: the so sexy ruler of the world **

**To: Bakura the Spirit thief**

**Subject: Yo.**

Heey the 'all mighty and sexy' (so not) Bakura.

Have you seen Isis's necklace? If you 'borrowed' it she is so going to kill you. I mean she got herself a date and lost one of her necklaces that matches her dress. Now she is turning the intire HOUSE upside down trying to find it. Plaese answer, that woman is driving me crazy. SHIT there she comes. got to hide. uuh bye

The mighty ruler of the world Mariku.

XxX

Hey, the not so almighty guy who will NEVER take over the world because I will completely kick your ass if you try,

God, Marik…your spelling is more atrocious than the last person I bitched to about it! Dude, I didn't take her Necklace…that was Yazoo's fault…at the last, "Evil White Haired Guy Convention" meeting. We dared him to steal her necklace…go take it up with him…

And you know that I'm ALWAYS busy on Friday nights! I wouldn't have stolen it dude…Hell I may not be the president of that club, Sephiroth is (that lucky son of a bitch), but the vice president (Which is yours truly!) has to be there too! Damn I'm part of so many organizations…I don't know how it worked out but Heero's in that club too…I know it doesn't make sense…He has brown hair…but no one argued…so I guess it's okay…

So yeah…go talk to Down's syndrome boy (Yazoo…I swear he has down syndrome…but he's not ugly…like Loz…so he's okay in my book.).

And if you wanna escape her wrath, go to The Base (a.k.a. Kaiba's mansion…) the password is we-pwn-j00. Trust the fact that I did not make up that password…

Good luck…Lam3r.

The one who will OWN you,

God (a.k.a. me).

Xxx

_Leo: Okay if you don't know anything about ff7, first, you've been living under a rock…EVERYONE knows who Sephiroth is…The other two I mentioned, Yaz and Loz, are from FF7 Advent Children…They have white hair therefore making them open to my attack… if you don't know who they are…don't worry about it…all you need to know is Loz is uncharacteristically ugly for an ff7 character…_


	22. Fan Letter TwentyOne

**Fan Letter Twenty-one**

Yay! I'm using my wonderful new voice typing thing that Kaiba bought…It's cool…I don't have to touch the keyboard!

**From: Lorekai**

**To: The most wonderful and amazing, not to mention sexy, thief Bakura who is the true ruler of this world and that I shall honour and worship for the rest of my time on this planet.**

**Subject: Could you help me?**

Most wonderful and amazing Bakura-sama, this unworthy one was wondering if you could share with me some ideas to remove the pathetic and foolish humans that inhabit the area in which I live. If thou were to assist me in removing this scum, I would be forever in your dept and spend the rest of my life destroying all who denounce you as the true ruler of this world.

Lorekai

P.S. If I gave you something shiny would you make out with Yami?

P.S.S I built a shrine to you.

XxX

Hmmm…there are several ways to eliminate hazardous creatures in your area…In other words the fucktards that piss you off. For one, you could threaten them with Anzu…or plaster them with Friendship (FUCK) stickers. Or if you're talking more extreme I have a nice collection of 2x4's and gold clubs…Some people even like to play with axes…Though I'm more of a knife kinda guy myself…Stabbing shit always amuses me…granted every now and then my palm itches and feels tingly from where I stabbed my hand…I know I SHOULD regret doing that…But I don't…so there…

I also suggest posting signs in the idiot mortal's windows that say…oh something like "Marik sucks," or Sephiroth is a Bastard"…Then you'll have two very pissed off villains who will come and attack your neighbor or whom ever you choose to make dead.

(I suggest the Sephiroth note…Though if you post one with his name on it, go about seven houses down the street just to be safe…because he's known to kill every thing within five houses in all directions from the original house of which his name has been slandered on. So be careful with him. I'm trying to work with him, but he doesn't take to counseling well…It used to be everything within ten houses though…so we're making improvements…Hopefully we'll get him to the point where he only kills his target…)

Then there's always the direct approach…Just shoot the mother fucker…Then again that's not as fun…

You could always dye their hair pink and wait for them to kill themselves…Unless their hair is already pink…then dye it puke green. Of course you'll have to knock them unconscious for this, but I think you could do it…after all you have access to my gold clubs now! They're all shiny and stuff…I like gold…It's glowy…

And WHY, might I ask, do you want me to make out with Pharaoh-baka? That's like…not EVEN right…

Besides! Yami's asexual…He reproduces by himself….

Hey motherfucker I do not!

Yami you asshole I'm trying to talk here! You're messing up my document! You know you're not supposed to make background noise when I'm using this voice typer…thing…

Go to hell stupid thief! And why should I? You haven't given me back my belts yet!

Well where are my damn British Flag pants?

Oh I pawned those….

Oh FUCK NO! You're DEAD!

I was KIDDING! Put the fucking knife down!

HEY, will you two SHUT UP! I'm trying to GET WORK DONE!

SORRY SETO!

BACK to the point…There's nothing shiny enough in the world that could make me kiss that jerk off…

Same to you asshole.

SHUT UP YAMI. Now before I kill this son of a bitch I bid thee all farewell!

P.S. Yay! A shrine! Ego plus 20 points.

XxX

_Leo: heh, Yay interactive-ness! I figured I'd give you guys a little bit of the other characters too…Again I made a reference to a ff7 character, if you don't know who Sephiroth is type it in google, search images, and prepare to drool. Sephiroth is also a god._

_Also I may be starting on an idea a friend presented to me, a Ryou's Advice column, of similar workings that this fic has, If you think I should I'd like to know! _


	23. Fan Letter TwentyTwo

**Fan Letter Twenty-Two**

Great even my HIKARI wants to play this game!

**From: sweet.innocent.british.boy**

**To: Bakura.The.Spirit.Thief**

**Subject: Dear Yami**

I do understand that everyone has needs and wants, and you are like any other human being, and you have those needs and wants too. It's perfectly natural, but I have asked you before. Please do not go to those inappropriate sites anymore. I do not care if Seto Kaiba continuously sends them to you; ask him to stop that, please. I do not want that on my computer. Thank you.

Also, by any chance, was my journal one of those books you had thrown into the bon fire last night? I hope not. If so, I hope you did not read it first, I will be highly upset if you did. Because that is personal, and you should not do that. It is wrong. I let you get away with a lot of things, but invading personal privacy is not one of them.

Oh, and another thing, Yami. I do have something to tell you, but I am not sure how your reaction is going to be. So I have decided to tell you in this e-mail I am sending you from the library.

I'm dating Katsuya Jounouchi. I have been for a while. Six months to be exact. Please do not kill him. I care for him very deeply.

Heya Bakura! Youse gunna mess wit me? I'll kick yer albino arse yah creep!

Please, Joey, I am trying to have a serious conversation with my Yami.

I am truly sorry about that, Yami. Please forgive us for that, and do not hurt him.

One last thing before I go. Why is there a human hand in the freezer, or do I not want to know? Well I'm going to go now.

-Ryou and Jounouchi

P.S: Marik and Malik are coming over for dinner tonight, and no, I do not mean we are going to be eating them. That is sick, Yami. Aright, now I will go.

P.S.S: Please remove that hand from the freezer, it is disturbing and one of the fingers broke off and was in the ice cream yesterday.

P.S.S.S: And one last final thing, Did you drink what was in that sprite bottle in the fridge? I do hope not. That's laxatives for Malik, he has been constipated and I promised to get him some. So I mixed it with the sprite.

All right, now I am going. I'll be at Yami's till an hour before dinner. Please stay out of the kitchen; I don't want you burning the house down again. Thank you. Have fun, bye.

XxX

I do not look at porn hikari! I'm telling you! It's like EVERYTIME I open those emails you walk into the room! I swear! God I went 3000 years without sex! I'm not THAT desperate…. God…You're mean hikari…

And no I did not bonfire your journal, your journal is still in the box inside the envelope, covered in scotch tape in the far left corner of your closet under the pillows and winter blankets. I haven't touched it. Not since last week anyways…And since when can YOU stop me from doing anything? God, I'm not a pansy hikari! Tch!

Oh hikari…I think I'm going to be sick…Don't worry I won't kill him…I'm off to kill myself for letting you get away with it for this long…And if he says 'arse' one more time he will lose his nuts to a blender…I swear it! Then he will join Anzu in the depths of HELL. I PROMISE it. God…and here I was all happy and shit…Then you have to go and be around an idiot…Man, talk bout a buzz kill.

Well…hikari, I won't be home for the next week, I'm going to spend the next seven days under heavy therapy from my fellow "Evil White Haired Guys Convention" members…They'll make me better…

The human hand in the freezer is not mine. That's Heero's don't touch it. For whatever reason he wanted to preserve it…Not that he needs any more hands…he's scary enough with two…

And GOD hikari…if I was STARVING I wouldn't eat those two…and damn it. If you get to have people over then I do too…Then again…my friends might kill something…Anyways…I won't be home…so like…If they want it they can have the human hand…Just be sure to tell them it belongs to Heero…

Well…I didn't drink the sprite…but that explains why Yami's been acting funny…Oh I guess I shouldn't tell you he's been living in the basement…He got too sick of Yugi's ….well…cuteness…even though we're making it better…It may take a while but we'll make Yugi bad ass for sure! So if ya can't find Yami while you're at his house…then you'll know why…

And damn you hikari…I'm TELLING you that was NOT me who burnt down the kitchen the first time! The second, third and fourth, yes, but not the first time!

I'm going now…to I can sulk that my hikari's gay and with a stupid idiot. (I mean it would be ONE thing if it were a cool guy…but NOOOOOO you picked loser of the universe…and go ahead Katsuya, challenge me…I'll sic Heero on your ass!)

Yep…So sulk I shall…

XxX

_Leo: If you don't know who Heero is, he's from Gundam Wing, all you need to know is that he's so inhuman it's scary…_


	24. Fan Letter TwentyThree

**Fan Letter Twenty-Three**

Yami…you motherfucker, you live like four houses from me, and you have to EMAIL ME? WTF!

**From: Guess.ya.baka.Tomb.Robber**

**To: Bakura the spirit thief**

**Subject: Give me back my fuckin pants Tomb Robber!**

Quit stealing my clothes and STOP DRINKING FROM THE CARTON! And what the hell's with the sign you left-"Hahaha, I have infiltrated your house yet again baka Pharaoh. Love, the fuckin badass of all badasses, Thief King Bakura..." By Ra you must have been drunk that night, I keep telling you. DEAD SPIRITS AND MOONSHINE DON'T MIX! I mean I know you want Ryou to go goth, but takin all my belts and collars is going too far. You may be thinking that soon I'll have nothing to wear so I'll have to go to Wal-mart naked just to by some fuckin clothes. Ya right, I'm not that stupid, guess I'll just have to wear your clothes... That's right, look behind you, missing something? Muhahaha! And that's for getting to my hikari (he somehow managed to 'find' a $5200 diamond ring without damaging his bank account, and we both know he's broke...I figure you had something to do with this).

Your Ruler,

Pharaoh Atem

P.S. I called Yami Marik today, he said he's in for strip poker on Friday and he said something about having made a new drink with tequila, rum, whisky and lighter fluid... better send him to the Shadow Realm before he blows something important up.

P.S.S. Go kidnap Mokuba and bring him Friday, I wanna see what happens when he gets drunk.

XxX

Oh hush Pharaoh! Just because you moved back into your house doesn't mean I'm gonna stop fucking with your mind. Damn, who do you take me for? And what's wrong with my sign? Granted I probably shouldn't have painted it across the wall…But I think it was pretty damn accurate! And it wasn't Moonshine! It was Tequila…And I only had 16 shots! So I wasn't THAT plastered. And since when do I have to be drink to do that? And I didn't JUST drink out of the carton I back-washed too. A present from me to you! Heh, I rhymed.

And shut up! You stole my British pants, and now you've got my British Flag shirt! I WANT THEM BACK! I went through hell to steal those! I had to knock a band member out to steal those fucking garments!

And HA HA bitch! I have clothes at both The Base, AND at my editor's house! So HA! Don't you feel crunchy now! …Heh…I don't know why but I like that phrase…Don't you feel crunchy…. Haha…

And I didn't teach him to steal it! I gave him that ring…More or less as a payment, for helping me cheat to get my driver's license…that's right pharaoh…I have a license! Be afraid! Though it was funny at first…because that's an engagement ring that I stole…Heh, he looked at me like "wtf are you doing Bakura!", ha ha! It was GOLDEN!

Dude, I'm busy on Fridays you know that! I got to go to my "Evil White Haired Guys Convention" meeting…Make it Saturday and we have a deal! You should tell Marik that Liquid Plummer is good for drinking…and that he should try it…see what happens then….

And Mokuba's at camp for the next month…Kaiba sent him to rich kids camp…IN other words he gets to travel the world for fun…Lucky kid…

Anyways…stop dicking around pharaoh; you still owe me a round of Soul Caliber II! I won't forget!

I promise that much!

Stupid Pharaoh…

Signed,

God, over you and everyone else too. Go ahead and fight that pharaoh…Because I would SOO kick your ass in a fist fight!

xXx

_Leo: Again I want to thank everyone who's participated so far…It's scary how many of these I've gotten…(You guys seriously give more credit than I deserve). I hope you've enjoyed them so far!_


	25. Fan Letter TwentyFour

**Fan Letter Twenty-Four**

Hmmm…..Yeah…I can't think of anything to say…again….geeze…

**From: I.know.where.you.live(AT)20margaritas(DOT)org**

**To: Bakura the spirit thief**

**Subject: A Whole Fuckin Academy for Duelists?**

Hey, Future Ruler of the World Bakura, can I have your take on that wannabe duelist Jaden Yuki and his gang? I don't think any of them have done anything slightly bad in their entire lives...not even dumped a bucketful of June bugs on little kids before... what complete pansies. Please include all torture/kill methods and weapons for your worshipers' enjoyment.

Love,

Plasmarc

P.S. If you ever need more worshipers just walk down the street with your shirt off. It worked for the Pharaoh, he now outnumbers you by 26... the idiotic beings...

Xxx

Took your advice about the walking down the street…Except I took my pants off too…I now top Pharaoh by at least 3.56324t33 million…Go me!

And as far as this Jaden kid goes. Hm…first off his hair is almost as bad as his dueling skills…He's annoying…But I haven't seen much of him…And dude, what's with the chick that looks like Kaiba? I didn't know he had a sister!…

…

Okay Kaiba just told me he doesn't…now I'm just fucking confused…And I saw a guy with lipstick…I swear! I hope I was seeing things, but ….ew…

They should all be forced to endure twenty minutes in a closed room with Anzu's decaying and fish riddled body (remember I threw her in the ocean). Then they should all be strung up by their ankles to the ceiling…then we'll let Marik in the room with them for a while…I don't want to go into details on that part because I really don't even want to think about what he might do. After that, me, Yami, and Seto, will take 2x4's with rusty nails in the end (my favorite weapon) and beat them senseless…Yeah duelist academy my ASS! It didn't teach them how to Not get their asses kicked! So there!

And thus my opinion has been said…And those people make me look even cooler…I guess you have to have stupid people in order to make us cool ones even better…

Then again…there IS a limit to stupidity…

XxX

_Leo: Not much to say except, on to the next one! Oh and sorry guys I haven't been going in the order they came in because I got them jumbled on accident…Bwaha three in a day, I rock! ...And I need to go start typing on my other stories now..._


	26. Fan Letter TwentyFive

Fan Letter Twenty-five

Okaaay…this one kinda puzzles me…but then again it's not the first…

**From: Jaime**

**To: Bakura the Spirit thief**

**Subject: None**

Dear, Bakura (Kid Who Watches Grass Grow)

I have no idea how you can survive with all those rabid fans after you. But I have a question: Can I kill them all? But the point I have to write this is to yell at you about how you always criticize Ryou. For one I want his nuts for 2 he looks fine the way he is although you want him all gothic I'll do more than play a little dress up with him (grin) for I would like to break that little innocent side of his and for 3 I think his British accent is pretty hot and turns me on so there's nothing wrong with him for he is hot.

Your friend,

Jaime.

P.S. I still want his nuts.

xxx

Hmm…sorry, but hikari doesn't have any nuts anymore…You see…he got mad a threw the can in the sink…Now the nuts are a big pile of salty mush…Hikari doesn't like nuts anyways…he says they give him heartburn…how can you get heart burn from nuts? WTF? All I know is that they can give you constipation…let's just ask Malik shall we? Anyways…the only ones I like a roasted…and you can't have my nuts…(Trust me, I am fully aware of how wrong this all sounds and that's why I keep on going with it…)

But my friend, Jaime, I will not even make a comment on how much editing I had to so to that small little paragraph…. ayiiieee…there was more typos than Yami's hair is stupid…Granted that analogy makes no sense it works no? And WTF? You can say "For One", and then say "for 2"! They must BOTH be numbers, or both be letters…God…I've fecking turned into an English teacher.

And GOD, are you stalking my hikari or what? Leave him alone weirdo! …Now I worry about my hikari's safety… Gawd, now you got me all paranoid…And Spelling God, like gawd! You suck….

And yes you may kill any one you like, though I won't bail you out of prison for it…I'm a busy guy you know…

Oh…And stay away from my hikari…. His nuts may now be a salty pile of mush, but they're his! (I am SO giggling inside.)

SO yeah… Like The End…

For right now anyways….

xXx

_Leo: Just when I thought I finished them all xD here pop in more! YOu guys know how to keep me busy!_


	27. Fan Letter TwentySix

**Fan Letter Twenty-Six**

Ah…and they get weirder and weirder…Okay it really wasn't that weird I just like saying weird…is that weird?

**From: A.Crazy.Bakura.Fangirl **

**To: Bakura the spirit thief**

**Subject: Questions**

Dearest Bakura-

I am writing to say that I think you and Seto are the coolest characters in the show. (Besides Yugi...What? I like the midget, he's cute, so sue me) I'll apologize in advance if this is not spelled correctly, I'm very tired. I have three; count 'em, THREE questions for you and Seto.

1.)Could you teach me how to be a master thief, though not as good as Bakura-Semji?

2.)Could you tell the Bakayarou Pharaoh that he can go fuck a duck for all I care, and that I have convinced all my obsessive buddies to be you and Seto fan girls instead of his?

3.)Will you help me destroy the school boards of America? They have created to many Ra damned-fucking tests, and we Bakura lovers would greatly appreciate your help on the subject. Thank you, oh great and powerful Bakura and Seto, ultimate Bishonens(sp?)And future rulers of the earth.

From-Mikonama

XxX

Heh, I find it very amusing that you apologized ahead of time…now I can't totally point all of the mistakes out…But I was just being mean when I did that…You know…that person should no better than to send ME anything that says friendship (FUCK) more than 10 times…

So like, if Seto and I are BOTH going to rule the world together, then who's going to be the queen?

You will, you girly thief…

SHUT UP PHARAOH, you're NOT supposed to talk when I have the voice typer on!

It's not called a 'voice typer'!

I don't give a damn! Shut up!

Bite me…

I'd rather not…

CHILDREN!

Sorry Seto!

Anyways, back to what I was saying, I'm sure I could rig Seto's computer network to wiping out all educational websites…that's a start anyways…I know that they need those websites and databanks, but other than that there's nothing much I can do. And trust me. I've had to take my share of tests…God…like ten in the last two months! It's fucking evil! The educational board of America should be shot…

Sorry pal, but if I teach everyone how to be a thief then we'd all be stealing from each other! And it's more fun to steal from non-thieves! Good luck with that though!

And yes I've told Yami, he gave you the middle finger but said nothing else, I guess it doesn't help that I have a knife to his face…

Anyways…I suppose I have said what I need to say…

Off to kick Yami's ass in Soul Caliber II!

Oh PLEASE thief…

YAMI! You talk again and I'll take off your face! So yeah…later my darlings!

XxX

_Leo: Gotta love the voice typer idea xD I don't remember who gave me that idea, I don't think they mean to but thanks to who ever it was…_


	28. Fan Letter TwentySeven

**Fan Letter Twenty Seven**

Okaaay…I'm scared now…fan girls have their own email thing…that's frightening…

**From: I.watch.u.as.u.sleep (AT) fangirlsunited (DOT) com.**

**To: My almighty ruler Bakura (Bakura the spirit thief).**

**Subject: Let a fan girl know!**

To the ruler

When exactly do you plan on taking over the world? I mean me and the thousands upon thousands of fan girls (and guys) have been waiting on you. We know it's just a matter of time but we need preparation time. Oh and I have horrid news. There are certain people we have found out about who actually like A...Anz...ANZU! -Vomits in trash can- these things want to bring her back. What do we do? Do we kill them off now or do we await your decision? Please answer quick they are starting to go door to door for support its sickening! Just let us know when your overthrow begins so we can be ready. As I will be your second bitch. We all know Ryou will be first.

By the way I will GLADLY teach you to swim (or skinny dip!). A and B I can do but C...? Um that is going to take self-control which I have very little of.

Keep on thieving!

I.watch.u.as.u.sleep. a good question…I don't know. Possibly soon. When I finally get Marik's head out of his ass and convince him to help me gather my minions. Granted I know I don't necessarily NEED his help, but watching him get mauled by my fans is kinda high up there in things I really want to see, you know? That and hikari's REQUESTING that I take a break at least until July…I don't know why but hikari is weird like that. And considering he feeds me, then I think I will oblige (actually it's because I don't want him to flush the toilet while I'm taking a shower…That makes the water VERY fucking cold…).

Anzu should be burned from existence…End of story. Those who actually -gag- like her, are pathetic souls who probably think Jounouchi is hot…ew…just…ew… NOTHING can make up for her uselessness…She never did anything other than be a preppy little bitch cheer leader with an inability to see that she can't dance FOR SHIT. I can dance to STONER music better than she can dance to DANCE music! And that's saying something. Winning DDR doesn't mean you know what you're doing…I've seen dogs, kick ass in that game.

And if you see an Anzu supporter, kill them. Immediately. They need to be put out of their misery! That's a form of torture to be riddled with the "Liking Anzu" disease. I don't care who you are…she's evil…And If I see another one of you obsessed psycho Anzu fans write a story with ME and HER together in it, I will throw up in a trashcan and then dump the contents of said trashcan all over you. (Yes and I am aware that grammatically speaking it should be "Her and I", but she's not worthy enough to have HER name in front of mine…)

So in essence, the only real enemy we have is Anzu, and in all technicality she is dead…Oh wait…there's Shizuka…But I'll kill her very soon.

I shall keep you all posted about when my world domination begins…Until then I'll go back to eating my cheese doodles and watching my VH1…

Hope that answered your question my dear!

Xxx

_Leo: o.o okay only nine more to go xD_


	29. Fan Letter TwentyEight

**Fan Letter Twenty Eight**

Blink Blink…

**From: The Goddess of the Madhouse**

**To: Bakura the spirit thief **

**Subject: Hello**

Hiya Bakura,

What happened? We were supposed to go kill someone named Kenny yesterday? Leave it to you to forget AGAIN. We'll have to reschedule, how about June 5th? That'll give enough time for you to get over loosing to the pharaoh again.

See ya later,

Tora.

XxX

Damn it…I did forget…But GOD, Kenny dies EVERY episode! I thought I would give the poor kid a break…June 5th…hmmm…that's the first Monday of the month…I have to go to the "Bad Ass Thieves" meeting that night (and we're having a big discussion about the good guys and their horrible hair choices and what we can do to fix that problem…I CAN'T miss that meeting) …maybe on the 6th?

And I did not lose to the pharaoh! It was a draw this time! It didn't count that we were both shit-faced drunk, but that's not the point! The point is: I didn't lose this time! So there!

Anyways…….hey! Why do you assume I would lose? Aw, what kinda fan are you? You should be cheering for me whether I'm losing or not! Now I'm sad…You make me sad…I swear one of these fucking days when the pharaoh is winning…I'll just effing shoot him…Heh, there goes your life points pharaoh…

Now that that has been said, I have much work to do. You know gotta prepare for lots of …stuff…

xXx

_Leo: heh...go figure Bakura would say the sixth of Jun on the 6th year xD Bakura you demon, that's 6 6 6! _


	30. Fan Letter TwentyNine

**Fan Letter Twenty-Nine**

Eh…I SHOULD be paying attention to this meeting I'm in, but I don't care!

**From: psychoticbakuralover**

**To: Bakura the spirit thief**

**Subject: I NEED YOUR ADVICE ALIMIGHTY GOD BAKURA**!

First, I'll make it point to mention that YOU. ARE. MY. GOD! Your sexy awesomeness is beyond any mortal comprehension (I think I spelled that wrong. I apoligize) They should create a religion with you as God! Now that I mention it, I think I'll do that. With your permission, of course!

Now on to the real problem. My parents want to send me to THERAPY! For some reason they think that being a 'psychotic-pyromaniacal-Bakura-worshipper' is wrong! Not to mention they disapprove of me practicing my stealing abilities in order to became more like you. They say I should be more NORMAL! And worship REAL GODS! I've told them many a times that you ARE a real god, and will one day rule the world and the entire human race (by the way, good luck with that!), but they don't listen. This is usually the point when they lock me in a cage in my room. They have DEMANDED that I DENOUNCE my religion in someone they deem doesn't exist! How can they expect me to give up my faith in you My God?

What should I do about them, Almighty God Bakura?

I also have 3 questions!(sorry for the length)

1. Can you get me Heero's autograph! That would be insane! And possibly his gun?

2. When you rule the world, can I help?

3. Do you know Duo Maxwell? If so can you get me his autograph too? Or better yet, his phone number? Or both?

Your worshipper and follower,

Calli

P.S.- This is for Seto(sorry Bakura!)I LOVE YOU SETO! Your sexiness is great! If Bakura hadn't already called dibs, and it wasn't obviously meant to be, you would be my God!

P.S.S.- GIVE BAKURA BACK HIS AWESOME BRITISH FLAG PANTS YAMI!

Xxx

Ironically enough my dear you did not spell comprehension wrong…However in apologizing ahead of time you spelled apologize wrong! Actually, that rather amused me in my twisted way of thinking an all. Ha ha! Bakura the Infamous spell checker.

Oh please Bakura you make more mistakes than GOD.

Shut up Yazoo, you're not allowed to talk when I'm using this voice thing. And stop sounding stoned.

Well you're supposed to participating in this meeting!

Only four people showed up today! And Heero doesn't even have silver hair! He doesn't belong here anyways!

That's not true, there are six people. And…well do SOMETHING! Sephiroth is destroying your kitchen in search of those animal crackers…

It's not MY kitchen…Leo will take care of it…now shut up so I can proceed with my reply, you rotten Down's syndrome child.

Now back to what I was saying. My suggestion to your problem is go one step worse. Suddenly declare that you worship Satan, hang Pentagrams all over your room, practice rituals with black candles and speak in a random tongue making them believe you're possessed by the devil. Wear all black and paint your bedroom walls with blood. Then after they are in a state of traumatic shock, give them the ultimatum. Say it's Bakura or Satan. At least that worked in Leo's case. I dunno, you could try it. Or worship me in secret and I will adore you as a follower just the same!

Technically I COULD get you Heero's autograph…but I'm still waiting on mine…I have to catch him in a 'not kill something' mood before I ask. And we all know that's once in a blue fucking moon…I'm not EVEN gonna try for the gun…man…I'd rather be chopped to pieces by Sephy than shot at by Heero. Heero's inhumanly scary when he wants to be…

And of course you may help me take over the world! I need an army! And while I'm sure Heero could single handedly destroy all of existence by himself I really would like the big powerful army of fan girls at my beck and call. Not to mention the combination of fan girls from Sephy and Heero. Yeah, we've decided the best way to take over the world is to, well, team up and kick all the good guy ass. Since every time we try it alone we always fucking lose…

Oh yeah I can definitely give you Duo's autograph, if you don't mind it being signed in blood. After all he's supposedly Shinigami. Though I seriously think Sephiroth SHOULD be Shinigami with the way he's killing my editor's kitchen…I dunno about phone number though…At the last meeting we kinda killed his phone…And he still hasn't gotten a new one, I'll keep ya posted on that though…I still don't know where he keeps prank phone calling me from though…I'm curious but I don't ask.

Seto isn't here right now, unfortunately, because he doesn't have silver hair and he's not Heero. (I'd still like to know how that fucker got into this club). But I'm sure he thanks you. And I can't blame you…not Seto's fault he's sexy. And that's NOT said in a gay way either. It's simply true. Much like my awesome sexiness.

And that bastard didn't have my pants after all…. Leo did…I don't know why I don't want to know why, but now I have to bargain to get them back…Damn you Leo.

Oh well… I'm off to finally participate in this meeting.

Bout fucking time.

Shut up Yazoo.

Well we kinda need your help…Kadaj thinks Leo is 'mother'.

WHAT?

Yeah…

Okay my loves, I have to go now…God forbid Leo find some one else to love instead of me.

XxX

_Leo: Okay a good portion of this was dedicated to UnderFingerAndThumb from the amusing chat we had last night xD! She'll understand it. If you don't know who Yazoo, Sephiroth and Kadaj are they're from FFVII: Advent Children, all you need to know is that they have white hair, are evil and obsessed with finding 'mother'._


	31. Fan Letter Thirty

**Fan Letter Thirty**

Eh…I really need to think of what to put here…I know…I'll put the name of the song I'm listening to up here! That way you guys can know the BS I listen to while I'm typing this out! –'Heartache tonight', Eagles.

**From: BlEeDiNgDaRkNeSs**

**To: Bakura the spirit thief**

**Subject: Do us ALL a favor!**

Dear Bakura,

I just don't understand it. You killed teh friendship (fuck) obsessed BITCH Anzu, Thank you! But I don't get why you wont kill the pharaoh! He preaches JUST as much as ANZU DID! I mean COME ON!

"I shall defeat you with the heart of the cards!"

"As long as I have my friends on my side, I can NEVER lose!"

"The light shall overcome the darkness!"

"I shall defeat you Bakura!"

I mean COME ON! NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR HIS VOICE! The stupid bitch WONT SHUT THE FUCK UP! Come on! Those were quotes! And he says them almost all the time! Please! KILL THE BITCH!

He's RIGHT next to you! Just grab a pocketknife and RIP HIS HEART OUT! It's easy! And it only takes 3.25 seconds, trust me; I've done it before. You talk about killing him, but I have yet to see it. Are you afraid of him? If not, then you have no reason NOT to kill the bitch! You hate him, you diss him, SCREW YOUR CLOTHS! Just kill the bitch! Please!

Please kill the stupid ass mother-fucking bitch,

Jenn

P.S. Atemu, please, for the love of Ra, stop killing those poor poor cows! You don't look good in leather! You just look more GAY then you already are!

Xxx

Dear, obvious hater of Yami,

Granted he may have had some bad quotes…But man so have I…I've repeated the "Prepare to wallow in the shadow realm" quote more times than Yami has gotten a lucky draw! Granted my lines ARE cooler than his…But I'm obsessive too… And damn…I hate saying it but he DID defeat me after saying it…So it's not like it's an empty quote…

But all of that aside, he is a bastard, and I do so supremely hate him. But you know I HAVE to keep him around. For entertainment purposes. And OH PLEASE. You've never ripped someone's heart out, other wise you would know that a simple pocketknife is not strong enough to dig under the sternum to the heart. Usually a hammer is the best or a steak knife, but a measly pocketknife, Tch, that's amateur talk. Besides it would not take 3.25 seconds. Perhaps minutes, but certainly not seconds. Because the brain has to take a moment to die, even if the heart has stopped. Trust me. I KNOW how to kill people. Besides…Yami's technically a spirit, my friend. He's dead… I've already TRIED to kill him, and failed. Remember? No it's not because I lost a fecking game of cards. (Actually the last time I lost we were playing poker). I actually tried to kill the bitch and it didn't work. So yeah. You think YOU hate him.

I hate to tell you, but I loathe him with a passion that you've never experienced in your young years. I've only known my hatred toward him (and the fact that I've been mad at him for the last few weeks about those pants that he didn't even have…)

And who gives a flip about the cows? We eat them don't we! And if he stops wearing leather, then I run out of leather to borrow! I don't care if he looks stupid…that way when he's around me it makes me look sexier standing next to an idiot.

Oh and I hate to tell you, but there is a proper time for the use of bitch/fuck/etc, and using those words too much, just makes you look vulgar and un-classy…Me, I'm FORCED to say fuck, so I'm exempt. But yeah, chill out on the swearing at me. It's not nice. (Ha, imagine me saying that with a straight face). And chill the hell out on the caps. I can read, dear!

So yeah, the basic point of this is, no I won't kill Yami. If I do then who am I gonna spend the rest of eternity harassing and ruining their never-ending lives?

Sorry guys…but Yami has to stay…If it makes you all feel better when I'm done with this letter I'll take him out back and beat him with a stick.

Better?

XxX

_Leo: Oh my Bakura got kinda snippy there…but don't mind him…He's mulling over the fact that Sephy ate all the animal crackers…_


	32. Fan Letter ThirtyOne

**Fan Letter Thirty-One**

Okay yeah …I'm listening to Phil Collins…Why I don't know…but I am…so sue me.

**From: Kaitie.**

**To: Bakura the Spirit thief.**

**Subject: None.**

Dear Bakura,

Well, I have a few things to say. First: Heero is NOT a psycopath or anyhting of the sort. Duo is. Second: Sepheroth can kiss my ass! Cloud, Red XIII, Cid, and Zach are all WAY more better! Three: Cookie dough rocks.

That was a little of something. I still have more to say so sit down and endure to torchoure! You should have won a Nobel Peace prize for killing Anzu. She was sooo firggen annoying with all that talk that we know everyone was tuning out. Except for maybe Mokuba. I'm not 100 sure on that one.

Also, you even dare to think about my automatic weapons and pocketknives and switchblades I will hunt you down and toss you in a room with Jounouchi. That is NOT an empty threat. Also, I DARE you to send the silver haired freaks convention down to my house. I'll whipp all them! I got a man-eating squirrel on my side. Beat that.

Out of all this I have one question and it is nothing like the others you have most likely recived. What shall you do with Bush? There. I said it. 911 was just an escuse! YOU brought down the Twin Towers! Marik told meh so. That and I have it on tape.

Fuck off Bastard.

Kaitie

PS: Hate mail rocks. DARK ROCKS MORE THAN YOU EVEH WILL!

Xxx

Ohhhh, lady I'm gonna have fun running you into the ground. I'm a loving manner of course, because we all know you love me despite your attitude.

Tch, you seriously have no clue do you? Heero is a maniac. A crazy person. So much in fact he managed to get in the Silver Haired Evil Guys club and he's neither evil nor silver haired! He's…Heero! And Duo is just a big softy, he helped Leo makes chocolate chip cookies the other day. More of less to supervise and make sure she didn't burn down the kitchen…Also you've pissed off Sephiroth. If you have animal crackers any where within 30 feet of you you'd better use them to your advantage. And they better have the frosting on them. (But hey, we've finally gotten Sephiroth to only annihilate a FEW houses instead of an entire block. He's getting there. Unfortunately his ADD gets in the way.)

And dude…Cloud's like an ass hole…And we love him! He comes over to The Base on the weekends and chills out with the rest of us awesome people! He's really a bastard on the inside…Hence why we've allowed him to join us. He and Sephy get into big arguments over whether Coke is better then Pepsi though… Sometimes, with the way he slurs, I think that MAYBE Sephy is talking about Cocaine and not 'COKE'…but then I get to realizing that Cloud has spiked his Coke and Sephy can't hold his alcohol. So yeah…That explains that… And Red ate my cat…I'm not happy with him…

And Mokuba can't help it, he's a kid. We've tried to get him to tune shit out, but he's young and doesn't listen, except to Kadaj…who's almost as Psycho as Heero now. But yes, damn it I should get an award for killing that bitch. Why no one has suggested it before is beyond me…

And like I need YOUR weapons. If I wanted (and if I bribed with animal crackers) I could borrow Sephy's Masamune, a.k.a. long ass fucking sword! Nothing you have can top that…And PLEASE, so what if you have a man-eating squirrel? I have kidney-eating, calico colored guinea pig! I'd LOVE to see you top THAT!

Dude, you know I can get like arrested for saying something against the government…I know they SAY freedom of speech but pshaw… That's crap and we all know it. The government is craaaap! And nothing more goes to that subject. Bakura doesn't play politics. Mainly because I've more pressing matter, like world domination, to attend to.

Dark can kiss my ass. I mean like seriously. I totally pwned him at Soul Caliber Yesterday and he knows I'm the baddest thief evar. So yeah. Stuff it.

Now to the FUN part! Bakura the spell checker arrives again!

"Psycopath or anyhting" heh, BOTH words incorrect. (It's Psychopath and anything, but I think you just made a finger slip on the last one yes?) NEXT!

You spelled Sephiroth wrong…And now he wants blood. Good job…

"Torchoure" Oh MY GOD, That is THE worst spelling of the word torture, I've EVAR seen!

And my favorite WORST one is "weapons and pocketknives and switchblades" Oh MY! Child, commas are MADE for sentences like these… Weapons, pocketknives, and switchblades. Thank you very much, Signed Microsoft's SHOULD BE spell checker.

Though there were other mistakes, I decided to save everyone from having to read my crack down on your poor confused soul.

Have a wonder-fucking-ful day!

God.

Xxx

_Leo: If you guys like don't want me to take ANYTHING you write to serious, then don't email it. I mean seriously. If I come across something that would make for a good come back then I WILL put it. Like my cracking down on spelling. I bet that person a few chapters back never forgets to write penguin with a G. If you send me something think about what you're sending me. Interest me! I pick out the best letters, at random! So the better it is the sooner I will be intrigued by it!_


	33. Fan Letter ThirtyTwo

**Fan Letter Thirty-Two**

Can't remember the song I was listening to …Damn…

**From: H**

**To: Bakura the spirit thief.**

**Subject: None.**

um... Dear Bakura,

First off, I feel silly. And secondly, umm... ya know that one guy who kidnapped Ryou and you said he could keep him until he "gothed him up"? Well I found out where he lived and now I have Ryou and I was sort of wondering if I could keep him? Like forever? You're awesome and like the coolest badass thief on the planet and all, but I'm afraid that I really only like you because you look like Ryou. So do reply on the idea of me keeping Ryou forever.

-Signed Most Cordially

H

XxX

Sorry friend, but you have to give Ryou back…He's like kinda needed. Believe it or not Ryou is the Treasurer or the Silver Haired Evil Guys Convention…We need him. And Leo is feeling an attachment to my hikari now, she's mad at me because I let someone kidnap hikari the first time. So I'll be by to pick him up… And actually Ryou looks like me...in a way. I came first… So yeah. But I won't defend myself I know I have massive amounts of fans to worry about to yeah. You can BORROW him for a while….But I kinda need my hikari back. Sephiroth is going nuts because Ryou missed the last two meetings…

And I really don't WANT to be killed by Sephy today…I can't even die, and some how I know he would manage. But yeah. I hope Ryou's not traumatized by now. Oh well I guess I'll see soon enough…

Signed,

God.

XxX

_Leo: I know, it's short, but I have plenty more of these, so don't fret my darlings. _


	34. Fan Letter ThirtyThree

**Fan Letter Thirty-Three**

Heh, Breaking the Law, Breaking the law…I know I know…no more Judas Priest for me…

**From: RubberDuckyMadness**

**To: Bakura the spirit thief**

**Subject: None.**

Dear Bakura,

Why in the show do they continuously change your eye color? First it was green, then it was blue, then brown, then red, then brown, then purple, and they changed it back to red, and then in the past you had purplish-blue while Ryou's eyes stopped at brown.

Also, can you ask Seto if I can have one of his penguins? I love penguins. Penguins are cute, just like you! It would be cute if you where in a penguin suit one day, stabbing Marik in the head with your razor sharp beak while Seto's penguins sit there staring and eating fish. That would be the cutest thing ever, I'd hug you.

…Oh! And I wish to use my Get One Free Hug card.

Oh! Oh! Can I take Leo home with me too?

...Oh, by the way, I can see you... so do NOT look under your bed...

...That's right, I know what you did last night. A lot of your fans would be mad if it got out... But I will not show them if you set me up with Yami.

Yes I am still your loyal fan, but I do love Yami.

XxX

Well you see, there's a secret to my eyes…I'm a walking mood stone. If you press up against me my eyes change colors. It's the contacts I think…But really, I don't know…I guess they thought I was special. And maybe they thought Ryou suited best with brown while they still wanted to play around with me and see how fast my eyes can change depending on who molested me that day. Not like literal molest…don't worry. It's kinda funny really.

I'll ask him, but Seto's kinda protective of his Penguins…

Damn right…

Seto…not you too…

Hey I bought the thing, I'm ALLOWED to talk when it's on.

Fine fine.

And tell your friend she can have a penguin is she promises NEVER to ever again talk about you in a penguin suit. That scares me. Only few things in this world scare me, and they would be: those sick fucks who like making me molest my little brother in sick fan fics, Leo's cooking, and the idea of YOU in a penguin suit.

Okay…I'm sure they got the message, compadre.

Good, now I've got work to do.

Okaaaay…well…you have your answer…if that makes you feel any better…

And all right…when I'm done typing this I'll be right over in five minutes to deliver you a hug. Okay? Okay!

Take Leo. Keep Leo. And don't bring her back until she can type, edit…AND cook properly…And tell her she needs to draw me more. She hasn't drawn a picture of me in months…

And so what? So I played Sailor Moon on the computer and read smutty fanfictions…that's nothing my fan girls don't do! I don't' have to be worried…You've NOTHING on me…Oh…wait…are you talking about that thing with Marik… and how we were snorting Coca Cola? I guess that might come off as weird…my nose STILL burns…I'll see about talking to Yami anyways. I think he's gay, or anti-sexual, but I'll see.

…I'm telling you I didn't do anything other than that…and talk on the phone all night…I'm Innocent! Well…for the most part anyhow…

Xxx

_Leo: I've determined that I MAY do the Ask Ryou thing, AFTER I complete this one. I don't know how long this one will go on for however…So I can't really be sure on when I'll plan that one._


	35. Fan Letter ThirtyFour

**Fan Letter Thirty-Four**

Heh…One of my more favorite songs…'Welcome to the Jungle' pleasingly violent…you should listen to it some time. Guns n Roses…good band!

**From: Dark Darianna Minamino**

**To: Bakura the spirit thief**

**Subject: taking over the world**

Dear Bakura (A.K.A GOD),

First of all, I am like you biggest fan. (Even more than Leo!) Oh, and speaking of Leo, no offence, but please shut up! I know she can't spell worth a shit but lay off man! Sorry. Ok, up to my main point so I don't waist more of your precious time.

1) When you take over the world, A) I want to help; B) I want to be 2nd in command afterwards, and C) I want to command legions of both French communist penguins and evil flying robot monkeys!

2) Sorry, although you are sexy God, I don't want to marry you (my boyfriend might not be too happy about that. He's still a little bit jealous of the 100s of pictures I've drawn and printed of you hanging in my room)

3) Anzu, sorry to say, IS NOT DEAD! Some fucker brought her back to fucking life! I swear if she says the word Friendship (fuck, Fuck, FUCK!) one more fucking time I'm going to fucking bash her head in with a fucking 2x4 that has a long rusty nail fucking sticking out of it!

4) Toasters are EVIL! I really don't blame you for hating them.

5) This one time, at band camp, Bakura laughed while watching the band run 500 laps because he played a wrong rhythm while the band was playing and it pissed off the director.

6) I'm fucking bored as Hell. Of course, the gift shop there is pretty kick ass!

Oh well. I'll write again later! I luff you Bakura!

Luff your ever-faithful servant,

Dark Darianna Minamino (A.K.A Jaleigha Thiede)

XxX

Heh, I appreciate the proclamation, but I hardly believe you're my BIGGEST fan…Since EVERYONE says that… And Leo…tch, it's been what…how long, Leo, have you been obsessed with me?

Four years…

And still I'm the favorite.

For the most part.

Hey what's that mean?

You're mean to me Bakura…So I've adopted Kadaj…and he calls me 'mother'…

WHAAAAT! That little psycho BRAT? Man…that's not right…

Hey I'm not replacing you…I still worship the very ground you walk on and pray in your direction five times a day…You're still my god.

Good. Now back to the point. I'm sorry but I already have a set second in command. I promised Espresso in the morning and frosted animal crackers to Sephiroth if he would help lead my army. He willingly obliged. He's a general after all…This is his kinda thing…

And we don't do communism…We're a FAMILY friendly legion…Well sort of…And we've got Koala's we don't like machinery…Except Heero…he can do what ever the hell he wants, because no one wants to tell him no.

And I'm glad you don't' wish to marry me. Because I don't' wish to be married (Hint to everyone else: STOP ASKING ME TO MARRY YOU!)

And I have confirmed it, ANZU IS DEAD. It was a look alike, not the real thing. Anzu now CANNOT be revived because I have put a hex on her soul, the pathetic thing it is. And if ANYONE kills any form of ANZU with a 2x4 it will be ME. I originally killed her, and it will STAY that way.

Yes, toasters are moronic creatures, yes they are creatures. But I seriously think the fucking dishwasher is worse…

I don't understand number five…let's just leave it at that…

And um…I'm sure there are many ways to UNBORED yourself…

So yeaaaah…sorry if I disappointed you… in any case…well…now I have to go stop Leo from tearing up my bed sheets.

Signed,

GOD.

XxX

_Leo: Hmmm…I really don't know what to write down here…Except that if I have not posted yours yet then I will! I promise._


	36. Fan Letter ThirtyFive

**Fan Letter Thirty-Five**

'Die Hard the Hunter'…Def Leppard Pwns and Leo still has yet to give my pants back.

**From: Mayflower**

**To: Bakura the Spirit Thief**

**Subject: Whazzup?**

Dear Bakura, sexy Egyptian spirit, future ruler of the planet, and most badass thief ever...

Hi, Bakura! I'm one of your slightly-lesser-known fangirls. I (unfortunately) must split between you, my schmoopie-noodles (i.e. Katsuya Jounouchi) and some other non-YGO-related fangirl crushes, but you're SO number one on the list! The white-hair is SO sexeh! And I love the black trench! (You would have a cutezy pet name too, but I couldn't think of a short-and-sweet one that could capture all of your pwnsomeness in a few words...)

Okay, now for the actual reason I wrote this:

1) How do you apply for the Bad Ass Thieves Corporation?

2) Would the Pharaoh get mad if I spray-painted his hair while he was asleep? I have a burning desire to do that, so I want to know if it would piss him off or not. Extra precautions, you know.

3) Whenever you're ready to take over the world, can I be part of your rabid fangirl army?

Also - THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR KILLING ANZU! I have already coated her grave in glue and then covered it in feathers! ((Really, Jounouchi used to be my favorite character, but then you killed 'Friendship fuck Ridge', and I converted!))

Tell everyone I said hi! C-ya! All hail the future ruler!

Yours Forever,

Mayflower

XxX

Dear Mayflower…

If you had given me a cutesy name I might have killed myself from being, even remotely, referred to as cute…Cute is Ryou, as are Puppies and Kittens…I'm just DEAD sexy! (Hah hah, get it? 'Dead'? Oh come on now…LAUGH!) and I am Pwnsome…Glad you know the facts!

It's simple to apply for the Bad Ass Thieves Corporation…Just talk to Heero or Sephy (they steals lives…so we let them in…) Though I warn you, don't look either of them directly in the eye…Heero might kill you…and Sephy might destroy the entire neighborhood…He's known for doing that…Oh and make sure your hair is less annoying than Yami's, that will get you killed by several members…All you really have to do is tell them I sent you. It's easy really. Though it make take a while to gain rank…However if you show up in a stolen car, then perhaps you'll get a slight advantage.

I will give you ten bucks right now if you spray paint Yami's hair. On the condition that it is all ONE FUCKING COLOR! And don't worry about him fighting back, just strap him down with some belts and you'll have plenty of time to get a running start. Not that he would do anything…He's a goody goody, and would most likely pull that 'that was not nice' shit like he normally does…I seriously think he thinks he can turn me good. I'm in like five fucking 'evil guys' clubs…I'd like to see him turn me good and not get killed by my follow evil doers.

And yes, you maybe part of my squad of fan girl army. Though I warn you against harassing the 'army' general… He's a bit cranky…And under NO circumstance are you to say the word 'mother' around him…He'll end up annihilating half of the army in a blind rage.

And your welcome. Killing Anzu was a joy to do. And it was rather messy too…Though I hate to tell you her grave doesn't contain her body any more…A while back a dug it up and threw it in the ocean…God knows where it's at now…But let's not think about that, okay?

And damn skippy I'm the future ruler! Unless Heero suddenly decides he wants to take over…Then I may have to actually fight for my claim…

Hope to see you at the next Thieves convention! (Heh, tons of kleptomaniacs in one place.)

Signed,

God.

XxX

_Leo: Man I don't' think I've had a single moment so far where I've finished all the ones I currently had…! Damn guys! You know how to keep me busay! (THANK YOU)_


	37. Fan Letter ThirtySix

**Fan Letter Thirty-Six**

Yay another reply from my dear hate mailer who loves me anyways!

**From: Teh Angel of Nocturne **

**To: Bakura the spirit thief **

**Subject: Oh Ra do I LOATHE you… and luv you….**

Dear Bakura, the infamous thief AND spell checker,

Yes, I know you are BAKURA, not AKEFIA, but I must inquire, WHERE THE FUCK DID THAT NAME COME FROM? Seriously, that one's tickled my fancy and I really wanna know. AND EVERYONE I ASK IS CLUELESS! But are you, oh Bakura the seemingly wise? How about an answer? (That might be nice).

And you know what? I don't give a flying fuck if my sentences don't make any sense, because frankly, if you and Marik don't have to make any sense, then WHY SHOULD I? Listen, I am a crazy, YGO fanatic, and if I wish to speak sentences that make no actual sense (and that one you specifically pointed out at the end of your reply was a typo, but I'm defending that!) then I will! Kiss my ass, Thief King!

(And if I WANT to refer to star constellations, then I should be able to. STOP MAKING ME FEEL STUPID, YOU HYPOCRITICAL— and no, I didn't not just figure that out… this is just the first time I get to announce it to you through a letter—BAD ASS!)

(And you think I WOULD spell it right the first time, but it seems that typing on the computer at a slightly speedy pace does neglect that tendency).

Tell Yami I'm sorry, if he's still alive… those Anzu bitches are violent, you know? (Actually, you SHOULD know, after what you did to her they've been stalking your scrawny ass for Ra knows how long). But I think he won't be killed anytime soon, since most Yami fans are in love with the Yami- Anzu pairing and are probably using him in make-out scenes with her decaying, fish-riddled carcass.

… Yeah, he probably wants to send me on a one-way trip to the Shadow Realm… shit I'm screwed… but that's if he ever gets back without dying from the torture of a dead Anzu make-out session… Hehehe.

Tell Kaiba I don't give a shit about his penguin army, cause he needed to read that… so now he has someone else to aim his penguin minions at… I'm not to blame, go kill them!

Hey, I did ship Marik to Alaska, like you said (damn $11 bucks to do that), except my sister has become a mutant growth off his side so we had to ship her too (my mom was initially pissed, but when I reminded her that Marik would no longer shave her cats, she quickly agreed that losing my sis was worth ditching Marik). That would have been a GREAT way to end this paragraph, but guess what? Some frickin' Eskimo dipshit sent the box BACK to us after he opened it and saw what was inside (And I don't think even YOU could handle what was going on in THAT box). Bastard, now I'm stuck with those two… and I am NOT paying another $11 green ones to do THAT again.

Oh, and another thing, I actually have to thank you, Bakura, for this wondrous fan mail site… since because of it I have been able to tell my lil sis about all the extra activities that Marik gets involved in. Let me name off a few of them, shall I?

Strip poker, getting rid of Duel Academy brats, and going to Ryou's house WITHOUT my sister's permission.

Right now she is currently beating Marik over the head with a 2 x 4 with TWO rusty nails in it… she took it out of Marik's artillery cabinet… which is a cardboard box… yeah, I don't think Marik will be getting out of THIS one.

And hey, could ya tell him to PLEASE remove the human toenail collection he's been storing in my closet? He says it's yours… I don't believe him, but… yeah, he still has one.

Oh, and, um, I have a horrible confession to make, my dearest shiny-thing-obsessed Bakura. You see, not only am I a writer of long, abstract letters, but also of fanficiton. And I wrote one fanficiton where you, um, sorta….

…Kiss Anzu.

Now, before you end up sending me to the Shadow Realm with a flaming toaster in tow, I have to add that it WAS against your free will in the story (you do loathe the bitch in this story AND real life) and you actually have the hots for an evil Egyptian princess who is a vampire and the demonic sister of Atemu (and she will be trying to corrupt him into darkness… please don't tell my reviewers that or they will MURDER me)... who would be Yami, if the differentiation KILLS you so much… but yes, you do kiss Anzu… for some reason I had to make that known.

Probably the confession of my sins before death… or in other words eternal imprisonment in said Shadow Realm… yea, something along those lines, I suppose….

Yeah, I'll shut up now. Have fun thinking about that for a while… (Ha! I made you kiss a fish-ridden friendship (fuck) zombie! That must BURN, doesn't it?)

From Your Fan Who Makes Your Day With These Stupid Letters,

Teh Angel (The Annoying Hate Mailer Who Luvs You Ta Pieces)

P.S. I actually like Anzu… the one I despise is Tea, her translated version! I swear, they must've added the word friendship (fuck) every four words of her speeches. She actually isn't like that… and if you really have a bone to pick with the friendship (fuck) shit, then bring it up with the creator. It was HIS theme.

P.P.S. I saw that guy who you said dresses up like you again… only this time he was running up and down the street in his birthday suit… not a bad image… and you WONDER where you got all those fan girls from?

P.P.P.S. Marik says you owe him five bucks and thirty-two cents.

P.P.P.P.S. My sis says thanks for the ideas about killing people and about Yami's secret stash of hair gel. Since he is currently unable to defend it, I think she went to go raid it… it would seem that Marik is hiding under her bed and won't come out… I don't blame him, poor fucker.

XxX

Why certainly my dear friend I can give you the original of that HORRIBLE name. Truly it's simply and overused fan name. And for whatever reason it got widespread. Silly human. Trying to change my name. You'd think they didn't like it or something. But what ever suits you silly humans.

And I'm sorry, you seem to take to defense. I really mean you no harm. I just like to be able to READ what is written to me. Sorry if that makes you upset…(Actually I'm not sorry but that at least covers my apology so you can't demand one from me at a later date.)

And yes, I am a bad ass. Thank you for mentioning that. Though dear, to avoid my harsh scrutiny of your correspondence I might suggest that you read it over? And check definitions…you'd be surprised what you actually saying when you type the wrong word! And your welcome, the humiliation is free of charge of course! If it makes you feel better my darling, you're not the only one to receive Bakura harsh critique!

And yes I do indeed understand the typo effect, but let's restate your inability to look it over shall we! Be only being harsh for your benefit my friend.

Suddenly I sympathize with Yami…not enough to make me go save him. Since that would be revealing my hidden location that only Leo knows… Though you are probably right. But you would think AFTER the bitch died that people would be taken off of her demonic 'happy person' spell. Because I know that it can't possibly a natural liking of Anzu, it has to be forced…there's just no other explanation…

Kaiba's currently burning down a helpless city for an unknown and asinine reason, I'll tell him when he gets back.

Hmm…last time Marik walked back…I guess he got lucky this time. You'd like they would mistake him for a dog and hook him up to a sled or something…Hell I know I would have, but I'm cruel that way. And we all know that. Next time you could try tying him up in a black bad and setting him by the road for garbage pick up. Make sure he's tranquilized so that he doesn't move. Because the garbage people don't take live things…

Well it's safe to say Marik has a nice new home. Though you might want to say that Marik has been sending me letters quite frequently, telling me all about his activities and what not. Marik also uses up all of my cell phone minutes by calling me constantly and I've received four skinned rats in the mail courtesy of Marik. And there's probably more that I'm unaware of. Depending on what house I am in, I don't always get the mail that's mine.

The toenail collection is not mine…That's all I have to say. (Marik you are a sick fuck.)

And I nearly lurched when you that you wrote a fan fiction (which you spelled wrong both times you said it but I won't hold it against you) as asinine as this letter…Then I read the Anzu part and suddenly I saw red. Now that could be my intense anger and the sudden need for blood, or that could just have been a vein popping in my eyeballs. Which ever it may have been I'm very disgusted in that thought, and you should be SHOT for even writing it in a non-consensual way! And then go as far as to pair me with Yami's nonexistent ancient vampiric sister? My dear lady, what the FUCK are you smoking? You fanfictioners need help. (And, no that doesn't not exclude Leo. She needs more help than most.)

And actually, I hate both Anzu and her alter ego. Anzu is the friendship (FUCK) bitch that's a whore, and Anzu is the friendship (FUCK) bitch that thinks, breathes, eats and sleeps friendship (FUCK). They're both equally bad. You have no idea, you try being near either and you'd wanna shoot yourself too.

Marik can kiss my albino ass. I do not owe him shit! I did not lose that bet and he's lying! Actually Marik owed me six dollars and thirteen cents!

I almost feel sorry for Marik right now. It must be tough living with you people…

Well my dear friend. I do believe I've wasted both of our times enough. I should expect another letter from you? Oh I'm sure I will at any rate. Until next time.

Signed cordially,

GOD.

XxX

_Leo: Big glomp to the person whose been writing these letters to Bakura xD! I love you muchly! You entertain the great master more than you know!_


	38. Fan Letter ThirtySeven

**Fan Letter Thirty-Seven**

Hey! Another hate mailer who's in need of some Prozac!

**From: BlEeDiNgDaRkNeSs**

**To: Bakura the spirit thief**

**Subject: ReRe: Do us all a favor...**

Dear Bakura,

(I apologize ahead of time for any spelling mistakes, please don't bitch to me about them...)

Yes, It does take 3.25 seconds to pull out a heart. I never said kill, I said rip out. (See? I'm not using caps.)

Also, a pocket knife does work, I'm not talking about the weak ones, I meant the really expensive strong ones.

Why am I your fangirl? Gods, I'm wonering if I should give up on being a fangirl all togeather...

Ok, if you hate Atemu/Yami so much, he should be dead right now. You ovbiously (Yes, I know I spelled that wrong thank you.) like him. You have no good valid reason not to kill him, the ones you use, suck! Your spitting on your parents graves by not killing him. (You haven't even avenged them yet bastard.)

Yes, I know that was harsh, but I don't care it's true! (See, I'm not cursing as much either.)

And yes Bakura, I know you tried to kill him, I'm not THAT stupid! You should try again. Also, you can annoy other people. You already do! There is no need to keep him alive, you claim you hate him, but I think you like him, a-lot. That's the way you act, I'm just telling the truth.

Yes, we do eat the cows, I know that moron! But he doesn't have to wear 10 of them on his body! And why would you want his cloths? Doesn't Seto give you enough money for you to buy some yourself?

Also, you can kill the pharaoh, there are ancient Egyptian spells you can use. They are easy to find btw, just open a few books.

Still wondering if I should give up on being your fangirl and leaning on giving up,

Jenn

P.S. Why do I bother writing this? When you reply I'm just going to end up hurt, pissed off, and feel shitty. Thank you Bakura. I guess that's just the way you are though, nothing is ever going to change that...

Xxx

Dear girl who knows little of what she talks,

No, it does not take less than 3.25 seconds. You've clearly never ripped someone's heart out otherwise you would know that a person who has their heart ripped out will die after wards. Have you taken anatomy yet? You should, you might learn something. And a pocketknife would not be long enough. You see upon finishing reading this letter over the first time Sephy, Heero and myself went into town and rounded up a handful of people and tested said theory. The shortest time was nearly eleven seconds and that's with Seph's superhuman speed. So please girl, don't tell me something that you've never done yourself…I simply detest being corrected by a person who knows not what they speak.

'Wonder' (aimed at pointing out the mistakes you made in writing me) and 'together'. Spell check on fan letter 37! And you started it, so I will bitch if I want. Not MY fault you had to go and cuss up a storm at me in the first letter and inevitably piss me off. Where are you manners child? I certainly wouldn't go about sounding so juvenile in front of someone I adore!

Actually, yes I do have a valid reason that you failed to READ in the last letter. Yami CAN'T die. He's a spirit, I'm a spirit. We are UNABLE to DIE. Does the word 'immortal' mean anything to you? Damn…I feel like I'm talking to Marik…. And do you REALLY think that a book of spells would be just lying around? Yeah uh huh…You go on believing that because I know that in any case you would find SOME asinine statement to say to try and throw me off track, but I'm a very clever person you know. You people just take my intelligence for granted.

And just so you know, it was Yami's FATHER that killed my village and destroyed my childhood blah blah blah made me go insane and try to exact revenge on the son of the murderer and I'm sure you know the long drawn out and overly dramatic tale. So yeah, Yami really didn't have anything to do with it…therefore making your argument VOID!

And here comes my screeching admittance. Yami is my buddeh. Understood? (Besides there's no one else who can thoroughly stomp in me in duel monsters and I like to be defeated…It's a sickness…like masochism…) Also for your benefit in the future 'a-lot' does not need the hyphen.

Yes, I have enough money to buy my own leather factory, but borrowing clothes is more fun. And it makes for needless hours of arguing about where that shirt went and where the hell those pants are…(I still have to get those fucking British pants back…when I do I will wear them and never take them off…EVAR.)

If you would like to give up on being my fan girl go right ahead dear. Personally I don't like people telling me I'm wrong about something I know more of, nor to I need children who curse at me about killing my FRIEND. You think I'm being mean? Oh I can be mean of which the likes you never seen!

So in closing, I hope you have a wonderful day.

Signed.

GOD.

P.S. Consider yourself OWNED!

XxX

_Leo: To the writer of this letter, It was not personal and I know ya love Bakura… so yeah…don't mind that Bakura was being a hard ass and thank you for your letter! It was fun to respond to!_


	39. Fan Letter ThirtyEight

**Fan Letter Thirty-Eight**

Yay more questions about the great me! Wait…why am I listening to Kelly Clarkson!

**From: Shadow and Phoenix. **

**To: Bakura the spirit thief. **

**Subject: Questions!**

Bakura of the Bad-ass-ness,

If you ever need some help with picking people of, I'm your girl. I have a closet full of Huge Ass Swords, AK-47s, and alibis. Alibis are a good thing because jail sucks bloody monkey balls. Literally. I've seen it, or at least the fat guy behind the desk covered with rat crap does. I don't recommend it, it tastes funny. Also, I know how to get blood out of everything, but I won't tell unless you let me live with you. I'll be good...NOT! Now time for the questions.

1. Can I have the Millennium Ring?

2. Can you get Sephiroth's sword for me?

3. What are the phone numbers for Ryou's house, the Base, and Leo's house?

4. Boxers or briefs?

5. Which would you rather make out with, Anzu (bitch), Yami, Sephiroth, or a stop sign?

6. Do you have any tattoos?

7. If you don't, can I give you one?

8. Do you like AC/DC?

9. Can I have your British flag shirt and your hikari?

10. Are you going to kill me for asking all these questions?

11. If you are, feel free to turn my skin into leather, then give it to Yami and see if he'll wear it.

Your Stalker/Minion/Mercenary/Groupie,

Shadow

P.S. Number 11 wasn't a question

P.P.S. I bet you didn't know that you had groupies! Well now you do.

P.P.P.S. I have a megalomaniac bunny, a homicidal kitty, a suicidal fish, and an army of blood thirsty penguins. Do you want some?

XxX

Dear Groupie,

I could always use new minions, of course I do have access to quite a collection of weapons already, what with Heero and Seph being my partners in crime. I wouldn't know about jail time really…I'm exceptionally good at what I do. I've never been caught…Well okay I HAVE, but I blamed that on Dark and he got sent to jail for a while until he broke out. He tried to break my nose after that, but I busted his kneecaps. We're on friendly terms again though…Sephy taught me that you can get blood out of anything simply by lighting it on fire…I think he's a flippin pyromaniac…Now to your questions!

1. I can't give you the millennium ring…Simply for the fact that fifty million of my other fans would kill you for it…And as amusing as it would be to see THAT much blood over my asinine piece of costume jewelry it's not going to bide well to my plans of world domination.

2. There is no way in hell I'm attempting to steal Sephiroth's sword…Unless you're looking to see him chop me into tiny Bakura pieces and wipe my existence from this plane. I know, I can't die…But Sephiroth will MAKE me if I try to get my hands on his sword…

3. I don't know the numbers for any of those actually…I have them set into my cell phone so that when ever I say Ryou's house, The Base, or Dumb Ass editor's house, it automatically dials.

4. Neither…Hehehehe…

5. Hmm…I'd rather kill myself than make out with Anzu. Yami's hair would probably kill me if I did. And I've already made out with a stop sign on a dare and that was disgusting…So I guess that leaves Sephiroth. Just don't EVER repeat this where he can hear you…

6. I don't have a TATTOO…But I do have a carving that says 'Jesus eats babies' in my thigh.

7. I'm good for body desecrations, thank you.

8. Yes I do enjoy AC/DC. Nothing screams rugged sex like a hoarse voice, killer lyrics and insanely pleasing backdrop guitar playing.

9. Simply no on both accounts…I stole that shirt fait and square! And I run my hikari's life fair and square!

10. Possibly…Naw, it's not a problem I s'pose. Except Sephiroth keeps giving me weird looks, since it seems he's been reading as I've been typing…And it keeps making me want to fondle his hair…Damn it…He's got THE girliest hair I've ever seen…

11. I seriously don't think Yami needs anymore leather than he already has….

Love,

GOD.

P.S. Actually I have a kidney eating calico colored Guinea pig…I think I'm good for psycho animals…

P.P.S. Actually I didn't know I had groupies…But I guess you learn new things every day neh?

Man I'm awesome.

XxX

_Leo: I like this kinda of letter xD! It's fun!_

_**Okay I want to request that you don't PM me with question on when your letter will be posted, because when yousend your letter it may be a while simply for the fact that I have a lot of them. I WILL get to them. I promise. However when I see letter that sounds the EXACT same as some of the ones already posted I put them off. Because people don't want to read the same thing multiple times.I pick them based onhow muchI canwrite with them.Send me something to work with! Like questions or advice something tospice it up, guys! I don't want to bore you with repeatish things! You all are great for sending me what you have! MUCH LOVE TO YOU!**_


	40. Fan Letter ThirtyNine

**Fan Letter Thirty-Nine**

Yay Canadia! Yeah…I'm listening to Sum41 again…

**From: Galdhbeth, Empress of the Universe**

**To: Bakura the Great**

**Subject: Just wondering.**

Dear Bakura,

Just wondering if you had ever read any of the many fanfictions about you and if you have what are your opinions on them? Also if you like Pokemon cards I'm more than willing to trade some of mine (I have a whole notebook full of them all separated by type of Pokemon). I even have a "Dark Lapras" card. And before you make any comment about my title (Empress of the Universe) I should explain that the universe I rule is one that I created for my own amusement. You can take over this place (earth or limbo basically the same thing).

Later,

Galdhbeth

XxX

Yes…sigh, I have read fanfictions with me in it. Some of them are actually amusing whilst I'm tired of people writing stories where I kick the crap out of Rou and abuse and rape him. My god people…I went 3000 plus years without sex! I'm not THAT desperate! Especially when it would feel like I'm raping myself because he looks so much like me. That would be creepy. How can you people like cliché stories like that? Personally If I'm gonna read a story with me in it, it better be something different, and who ever I'm supposedly obsessing over in said story better be hot enough to handle me.

I also cannot stand the multitude of -shudder- me with Anzu stories. Anzu (Tea, I don't' care which fucking version) is annoying. Rarely does she do anything aside from cheerlead and even worse, she's like good whilst I'm like evil and you just CAN'T pair us together if you REALLY love me…So yeah…I would rather be in one of those horrible Harry Potter crossovers than 'in love' with Anzu. Bakura doesn't love people. Stop making me so OOC.

Bakura chill out will you…you're going to break that thing if you don't quit screaming at it.

Shut up Leo, you're the worst one at making me OOC, so SHUT UP!

Yes master!

So yeah, now you know what I REALLY think about it. Sometimes I wonder if people even KNOW what series I'm from with the crap they write. But then again everyone starts somewhere.

Oh and I will so totally trade for a Dark Lapras…I NEED that card to make my collection complete!

And good, because I am god of everything outside of your world…and don't you forget it!

Signed,

GOD.

P.S. Like Contact me so I can't trade with you…I NEEEED that card! My life depends on it!

XxX

_Leo: Man…I've SO many of these to do! You guys just don't plan on letting this story die do you? Well how about this, let's see if I can't get up to 100 letters for this…How about that? _


	41. Fan Letter Forty

**Fan Letter Forty**

Yay PIE!

**From: Blair**

**To: Bakura the spirit thief**

**Subject: Random**

Dear Bakura, Lord and Master of all Things Pie Related,

Pi! You don't know who I am, but I know who does your laundry! Yupyup. Seriously though... I do.

On another note, if I were to sedate Yami Marik and put him in a dress, what color do you think I should put him in, and how should I do his makeup? I'm thinking this really cool (if not expensive) purple one that's all sparkly. It would really bring out his eyes... shiny...

Do you like shiny things? I do. I have a collection of shiny things. They're sitting there on my dresser next to the window. Which I usually keep open. My room's on the bottom floor of my house. Shame that the security system stopped working. Someone could come in and steal everything.

Back to Marik, though. I've sedated him, and he's currently staring at my shiny collection, muttering something about "If Hitler owned a pie factory..."

Anyways, the sugar high is wearing off now. Pie!

Blair (aka When Pickles Attack!)

P.S. I hope you and Ryou liked the pie that I baked this letter into!

Xxx

Who does my laundry? You know I don't know who does my laundry…Though that's probably how my pants got stolen in the first place…hmmm….

I think Marik would look best in black. Seriously, purple WOULD be nice, but too much purple would detract from his eyes you know? If you picked black not only would his eyes stand out but so would his hair (not that it doesn't already, but you know what I mean) and black is just a sexier color…Maybe some sparkle for good effect. That's always pleasing to the eye…

…Wait a fucking second! Why am I giving FASHION tips! OMFG!

Anyways…I've got quite the shiny collection already…I got this really kick ass shield from one of my fellow Silver Haired Evil Guys and it's so pretty…I can see my reflection in it and everything…And it sparkles so awesomely…My friends (fuck?) are cool.

Dude, I'm telling you, Hitler DID down a pie factory! HE DID! I'm not lying! And no amount of white jackets and bouncy rooms are going to change my mind! I'm telling you he's out there somewhere selling pies to little Jewish kids…(Talk about irony.) Tell Marik that Hitler did indeed have one. That might make him feel better while you fashionably rape him.

Man is it just me or does poor Marik totally get played around a lot? Man…He's unlucky these days.

Oh and the pie was good. Hikari said it looks liked blood…I told him it was a cherry pie and he bought it. I don't know WHAT kinda pie it was but I ate it none-the-less.

Signed,

GOD.

XxX

_Leo: Not much to say except I'd better get started on the next one…_


	42. Fan Letter FortyOne

**Fan Letter Forty-One**

Oh boy…prepare for this one people.

**From: i.cha**

**To: Bakura the spirit thief.**

**Subject: (. . .)**

Hi! Bakura-san! Gomen sorry, I cannot address you by 'sama' because Marik-sama has that title... Right, Marik? (if he's reading this anyway) It's really pointless for me to send you this email... its just a few questions and a few words and favors...

Q1: If ALL your fangirls would suddenly hate you and go to: yugi, kaiba, ur hikari, or marik... WHAT would YOU do?

Q2: Would you steal something EXPENSIVE for me on my birthday? (just wondering...)

Q3: If u and ur hikari will be detatched (forever), would you be happy?

And I'm willin 2 tell u THAT... You (and marik) are my 'idol(s)' when it comes to evil doing... people around me know very much that I am THE matermind when it comes to pranks, scams, stealing, hacking, cheating... and all sorts of evil-doing.. ThaNkiZ for that!

Favor: please tell Kaiba that a thousand of perople (that includes gay guys) from my school are in love with the one and only (no offense, but) pig-headed, local multimilionaire, all-around-hated (by me) rich boy...

Favor2: Tell marik I LUFF him!

Favor3: Tell Pharoh-san that he needs more hair gel to keep his hair up.

Arigatou Gosaimasu!

Xxx

Oh dear god, child…when I stuck this into my pirated Microsoft Word I nearly killed myself. I've never seen to many squiggly lines…and due to being blinded by red I have to make comment on it.

Okay one, for the love of the almighty lord (a.k.a. myself) PLEASE I beg you Capitalize the first letter of names! Second, '2', 'u' and 'ur' are NOT real words to be used in proper sentence…and it is also a Bakura pet peeve…If I, ancient spirit of 3000 years before a computer, is willing to take my time to write everything right, then please…type out the word 'you'. That's a whole to letters extra, will it kill you?

And correction - I - am the mastermind of pranks, scams, stealing, hacking, cheating... and all sorts of evil doing. Thank you.

To answer your questions, my fan girls wouldn't turn on me for them. Loyalty is a blood oath for many. (Besides Leo is cringing at the very THOUGHT of turning to the dark side by leaving me and I'm not talking the GOOD dark side…so I'm guaranteed at least ONE fan girl…)

I would steal you something, but again my fan girls may rip you apart for getting extra attention from me…Therefore I cannot.

Whilst I no longer NEED my hikari I do very much enjoy my hikari's company. Mainly for the fact that hikari feeds me often and knows how to pwn in Soul Caliber so I don't have to feel like it was an easy win when I stomp him. My hikari isn't THAT bad. It could be worse…Yugi could be my hikari…and no offense Yugi but you're a bit of a friendship (fuck) freak.

In regards to your favors, all of them are done, except I can't tell Yami to use MORE hair gel, because that would be enough hair gel to completely abolish an ecosystem. What are you smoking that's making you think he needs MORE hair gel? Last I checked Yami's hair is PLENTY pointy. I bet he would actually look cool if he combed it down…

And PLEASE unless you're really Japanese don't mix languages…I may understand it, but not everyone else will…keep it to simple English.

Thanks for your letter though. Remember what I said! Spell things out and Bakura will love you more!

Love,

GOD.

XxX

_Leo: Sorry about the snippiness of the correcting shit, but Internet slang is probably THE biggest pet peeve I have and when I can I try to let people know it bothers me. I mean I'm not JUST a fanfic writer people, I write Novels too. I respect the English language too much to butcher it._


	43. Fan Letter FortyTwo

**Fan Letter Forty-Two**

Yaaay…More bad music…

**From: Corrupt Warrior of Darkness.**

**To: Thief King -nay, God- Bakura.**

**Subject: NONE**

Dear Bakura,

Hey, how's it going? You're like, one of my favorite characters of all time! Along from Y. Marik and Kaiba, that is. The Pharaoh can go to hell; you're WAY cooler than he is, and I still believe you should have won that duel with him in Battle City. I mean, until he drew that God Card, your strategy was practically flawless!

Just wanna know: What do you think of Rau le Creuset? He DID try to faciliate humanity's destruction. That's a reason to admire him, ne?

I LOVE your Occult Deck, by the way. Where did you get it?

And WHAT is it with fan obsession about yaoi between you and Ryou? Everyone knows you don't swing that way! ...Do you?

Great job on killing A-N-Z-U (I refuse to say her name in full). My only regret is not being there killing her with you.

Later!

From your supporter

The Corrupt Warrior of Darkness

P.S.: Could you ask Sephiroth if I can have the Black Materia?

Xxx

You're right my strategy WAS flawless…Damn luck of the draw! That was unfair because a god card is TOO powerful to play! I don't think they should have allowed them to be played! I would have pwned then…Bastard Pharaoh…

Honestly I have NOOO idea who Rau le Creuset is…and I don't know what you mean by faciliate. I mean…Part of me THINKS you mean facilitate. But then that would make no sense. After all facilitate means to 'aid, assist, blah blah blah.' But either way, anyone who wants to help destroy humanity must first sign a pact with my clan of world dominators. And this person hasn't therefore, they are BLACKLISTED!

My occult deck came to me card by card, I collected and traded and stole to collect my occult deck together and it kicks all the ass.

I have no idea why people want me to do naughty yaoi-ish things to my hikari… Personally if, and I say IF with utmost enthusiasm, I were to ever swing THAT way it would not be for a pansy of a boy. I would want someone…hmmm…more like me… ……Sephiroth…Stop scooting away from me…

No, you creep me out.

Hey I didn't say I DID swing that way! How do I know YOU don't swing that way?

Because I'm anti-sexual, I don't swing.

Yeah that's what they ALL say…ANYWAYS…you're welcome for my killing friendship (fuck) bitch. I know I must have gained a couple extra fans just for that…Man that makes me feel cool.

Oh and Sephiroth would like to answer that question regarding the Black Materia himself.

No I wouldn't.

Sephiroth…

Fine, the answer to that is no. Mainly because the Black Materia…well…It kinda…You see it looked like a jawbreaker…and well…one of my little clones sort of…ATE it…And well…you get the picture right?

And there you have it folks…no more Black Materia. Now say good-bye, Seph.

Kiss my ass.

Charming hope that answered your curiosities my friend! Bakura bids you farewell.

Signed,

GOD.

Xxx

_Leo: If ya don't know what a Black material is, put it this way it's Godly. Okay? Good. _


	44. Fan Letter FortyThree

**Fan Letter Forty-Three**

Oh my…a corporate letter!

**From: the.chairman**

**To: Bakura (the self-purported great)**

**Subject: Invitation**

Dear Mr. Bakura:

It is my honor to extend to you an invitation to join our great circle of world rulers. We are the Illuminated Ones. We hope you will join our order as we are currently are looking for someone with your talents. If you do not accept then I am afraid we will have to bring aboard Mr. Phantom Thief, whom I believe has already been in contact with you.

Cheerio,

Mr. Martin

Chairman, board of directors, The Illuminated Ones

Xxx

Ah you sneaky bastards…Making it so I HAVE to join…fine, I won't let you take on Dark in my place…Unless I send him as my subordinate…Hmmm…what should I do…Actually I think my circle of world rulers pwns yours! So there. I'll stick with MY people…And Dark said he agrees.

Damn Straight.

So in your face…people.

So uh…Bakura?

Yeah Dark?

What are we going to do NOW?

What do you mean?

Well…we've really nothing more to say now that we've gotten to the point so we're kinda just rambling on now.

Damn it…I hate you when you're right…Uh…Dark…Don't we have a Thieves Meeting today?

…Yeah…now that you mention it we do….FUCK!

Shit! Well we'll be seeing you folks!

Yeah if we don't get skinned alive by the other members!

Shut it Dark! And turn off my computer on your way out!

Got it!

XxX

_Leo: I don't know what I would do with out some of these crossover character xD! I hope it doesn't annoy you guys!_


	45. Fan Letter FortyFour

**Fan Letter Forty-Four**

Hmm…I'm so nerdy…I'm totally listening to Sonic video game music…Man I'm a loser…A cool one, but one still the same…

**From: Tadow**

**To: Bakura-dono (Dono Utmost Respect)**

**Subject: Yaoi**

Tadow: What is your opinion on Yami/Yugi Yaoi. I think it's kinda weird.

Miko: Hi Bakura-dono!

Tadow: Calm down woman..! (Sorry for her actions... She had sugar)

Miko: Bakura-dono, please answer my other messages..

Tadow: Anyway... Back to the subject... Do you think it's "cool" or "scary" to "date" poor lil' Ryou? Cause everyone I know thinks you rape him or some stupid shit like that...

Miko: I don't...

Tadow: And I was wondering... Pulls out a ring Will you marry me!

Miko: Tadow... You know half the girls who write to him ask that question, right?

Tadow: Yes...

Miko: Baka...

Tadow: Anyway. Could you please at least answer my questions on teh yaoi subject? (I know I said "teh"... It's a thing me and my baka friends do...)

Miko: I just had to capitalize her own nickname... Baka...

Tadow: Stfu... I fixed your god-damn grammar a lot while we typed this shit!

Miko: I think we should end this letter now...

Tadow: Okay... Byes..

?Tadow & Miko?

P.s. Can we kill the Tea fans that have been lurking around the base?

XxX

To ask my opinion on a specific Yaoi is basically asking my opinion on it all. I think it's creepy. It's one thing when, say, two people of the whole bunch is gay, but when EVERYONE is gay…then there's some serious issues…I mean come on…Leo's THE most homo person I know and she has some straight friends too! People get entirely TOO carried away with Yaoi in my opinion. If I see another yaoi fan girl screeching, "Bakura will you lap dance Marik for me!" then I will scream and I will scream bloody loud.

I would not 'date' my hikari. What part of anti sexual do most people not get? And no I will not marry you either…Though I suggest putting the ring away before I steal it and pawn it… It does shine quite nicely.

Gah! And quite calling me DONO! I'm not Japanese! GOD would suffice.

And you guys don't EVEN want ME to go into grammar check mode… but I'm tired of that right now so I will let it slide. Though you must know that script format is the devil. And hard to read. Especially when there's more than one person.

Kinda like what we do all the time, neh Bakura?

Shut up Yazoo, this is different…

No it's not…

Yes it is.

Bakura?

What?

You're a hypocrite.

Thank you for stating the obvious you Down's syndrome brat.

Your welcome.

Oh and I use 'teh' all the time…that's nothing special…but either way I'm going now so I can kick Yazoo's scrawny, girly little ass.

You're one to talk.

Okay bye now!

XxX

_Leo: Yep and Bakura and Yaz are now beating snot out of each other xD! OH the joy._


	46. Fan Letter FortyFive

**Fan Letter Forty-Five**

Oh my god…why am I listening to the Wild West soundtrack?

**From: Gen**

**To: Bakura the spirit thief**

**Subject: Couple Q's.**

To the most powerful, sexiest, all-knowing GOD of the Universe Bakura, First things first- (insert marriage proposal here) and (dedication to be your follower forever here)

Alrighty then, I just have two simple question to ask of you, oh sexy one...

1) Why don't you have your own home? Surely with the money you get from Kaiba you'd afford one.

2) (I just -have- to ask this) If you were stranded on an island with only one fuckbuddy...who would be out of the following choices: Ryou, Marik, Malik, Kaiba or Yami?

Ok, that's enough yaoi-fan girl-ism for me today. Happy 6/6/06! XD

Love- your follower/fan girl for life, Gen

XxX

Okay, (insert decline to marry anyone here) and (insert acceptance for you as follower forever here). And yes, flattery DOES get you everywhere.

I don't have my own home because I do not have a legal identity to claim my own home. That and I like to house hop. I enjoy trashing Baka editor's place, (speaking of which editor baka has been doing a better job), and I enjoy sliding across the floor of The Base with my sock covered feet, and eating all of Ryou's food. I enjoy my lifestyle! And I don't need my own home because then I would be lonely being there all alone…

Hmm…If I were stranded on an island and my only options were Ryou, Marik, Malik, Kaiba or Yami…. I would…damn it, that's not even fair to ask. Sigh, but since you DID ask and though I'm not obligated to tell you I feel you have a right to know since you worship me and all, I would go with Kaiba.

Before the rest of you freak here's my reasoning! Ryou well…is my hikari people…And that would feel like having sex with myself…And that's kinda creepy…Marik would kill me with his hair alone…Yeah…Malik…god knows what creepy voodoo shit Malik would pull on me. Let's just go ahead and say I'm not THAT flexible…Well I am but not in the way he'd probably think… Yami well, I'd have the same problem with him as I would Marik… That hair. I would probably go into convulsions from the rainbow effect his hair gives off.

So my only choice could possibly me Kaiba. He's sort of normal. And most of the time he sleeps with his laptop anyways so I wouldn't have to worry about actual contact…

Or in the end I could just choose a life on that small island of complete celibacy. Yeah I think that sounds good.

Yeah and I'm surprised nothing horrible happened on 06-06-06…Ironically enough though editor baka celebrated her first year on her art site on 06-06-06! Funny no? She thinks it's a bad sign. I think it's flippin cool. Either way, at least we've gotten to live through the most evil day of the millennium! Yaaay us!

Wow, I've kinda rambled on haven't I? Well, I'd better bring this to a close. Hope that answered your questions!

Signed,

GOD.

Xxx

_Leo: In case you guys couldn't tell I'm trying to keep this story EVERYONE safe. And I'm aware some people don't like yaoi as much as others, so I'm trying to keep yaoi content to a very minimum. Personally I love yaoi, but I will not expose people who don't like it, yet enjoy this fic to it. ; D I love you guys that much!_


	47. Fan Letter FortySix

**Fan Letter Forty-Six**

Oh my god I think I'm gonna be sick…

**From: C00MpaSSioN(AT)ILOVEYOU(DOT)org**

**To: Bakura the spirit thief.**

**Subject: FRIENDSHIP!**

Dear Bakura,

Our organization is in love with friends! Do you need a friend? If so, then call 1-800-FRIEND. We have found out that someone did an unfriendly thing to our friendly leader friend. As we are her friends, we still stand beside our friend Anzu, the friendly tealeaf! In our lovely friendly manner of friendly spreading friendship, we have resurrected our friendly friend leader! This is just a friendly message to you, our friend, to help you celebrate the return of our friendly friend leader Anzu! This is also a calling to swamp whoever did that unfriendly thing to her with a thousand kisses and twenty copies of our master's DVD 'Making friends for friends' which will constantly play on any electronic device with no way of turning it off! Isn't that wonderful friend?

Signed,

Vice President of the Friendly Friend Corporation of Friends Whose Leader is Anzu (a.k.a FFCFWLA)

P.S. Ha-ha, you should see the look on your face Tomb Robber! It's priceless! Ya-huh, it was me, none of the above is true. You fell for it asshole! Ah, that was priceless...

With Friendly Hate,

The almighty keeper of the shadow realm...dun dun dun... Yami Marik

P.P.S. And no, I'm not drunk...at least not with alcohol...

Xxx

ZOMFG

Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, FUCK…..!

MARIKKKKKKK! I'm going to KILLLLLL YOOOOU! FOOOR THAT GOD DAAAAMNED LETTTTTTERRR! I think I'm going to vomit….

I'm going to skin you alive and let the psychotic Marik obsessed fanatics rape YOU! And I'll make sure they're all MEN! And they'll tie you down and handcuff you and blind fold you! I hope your ass is ready for destruction!

LITERALLY!

See if I EVER do anything nice for you again! Not that I do that often anyways, but now you are going to DIE! You've pissed Heero off with that…Just seeing the word friend (fuck) that many times has got him really to shot your brains all over the sidewalk!

That's it! You're not allowed to play on my computer anymore either! So take that you computer WHORE!

You must be really bored in order to taint yourself by saying THAT word that man fucking times. Man…now I feel dirty for reading that…God I think I'm gonna hurl again…

But you know what Marik, you'd make a very good member of that club…you should join it yourself so that gives me and my minions ample reasons to destroy you!

GAWD! That was so horrible that…that you should consider taking that one back man…

Dude…I can't even talk about this anymore…I think I'm going to go lay down…

Oh and Marik?

YOU SUCK!

Xxx

_Leo: Wow, that was a creative one…uber points to the writer to that one! _


	48. Fan Letter FortySeven

**Fan Letter Forty-Seven**

Yaaaay AC/DC! …Don't ask WHY I'm listening to that, just accept it…

**From: white ranger **

**To: Bakura the spirit thief**

**Subject: We need your assistance.**

Dear Bakura the spirit thief

You are needed to help save the world from evil mutant dishwashers (I know you Don't help out people but this is an emergency). If you decide to help we will Teleport you near our power ranger army (10 of us plus Zords) to attack them I may call Yami as well. Oh and if you help us we will let you invade one country you might get our help too.

Sincerely,

White ranger.

XxX

Holy crap, I'm getting asked by the POWER RANGERS to save the world! OMG that is so fucking cool! IN a cheesy kinda way…If I accept I want my own suit too…Granted all the colors are taken but I don't care I want a damn suit that sparks…They're cool. Maybe I could have like an Orange suit…I've never heard of there being an orange ranger…Or how about gray? Gray is cool too!

Though I'm not bringing Yami…I'll bring Sephiroth…He'll do more damage than a hair-fucked pharaoh…Right Sephy?

Yeah uh huh…

Seph, are you listening to me?

Yeah, sure.

Seph?

Yeah uh huh…

Hey Seph, if I was a girl I would SOOO have your babies…Take me now Sephiroth!

WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY!

Just making sure you were paying attention.

Grrrmmmm….hmph…You suck…

Anyways, so yeah I want France if we help. Help me conquer France and we have a deal white ranger!

Over and out!

GOD.

XxX

_Leo: God…I haven't seen power rangers in AGES! XD Omygod! That show was SO horrible it was great!_


	49. Fan Letter FortyEight

**Fan Letter Forty-Eight**

Oh joy another note from Marik…What have I done to deserve this?

**From: Marik (iam.hidingunder.yourbed(AT)yahoo(DOT)com)**

**To: Bakura the spirit thief**

**Subject: Bleh.**

Bakura... I want my dog back.

You ran him over last week in Isis's car, and Malik told me you brought him home so Ryou can fix him.

...or was it me that ran him over? Hn.. can't really remember.

Oh well, I still want him back, with all his organisms in place! Hanging outside of his body like it should!

Oh.. Sephiroth at my animal cookies.. Tell him he owes me two cookies. They where the tasty kind too, with the frosting on them..

Fucking silver haired...sexy...fuck. Where the hell is Malik? Is he at your house? Did I leave him in the oven again? I hope Ryou hasn't turned the oven on or anything..

...And tell that FUCKING blender at your ra-damn-fucking house to stop stealing MY foot massager! Damnit! I need that! After running all damn day long from YOUR crazy fans, you bitch.

Whore, keep them on ra-damn leashes or something. I'm sick of being molested. I had to threaten to revive Anzu to get away from the last one.

And where the hell have you been? I have been searching all over fucking Germany where you said you would be!

..or was it at that stake house called FireStone? ...hn.. I am not sure. BUT! It doesn't matter!

And you little crack-addicted anorexic heroin using Pharaoh better give me back my rod..

OR I will personally bring Anzu back and lock you two in Isis's basement! I CAN DO THAT! It's not an empty threat! SHE HAS SPELLS!

I'll be watching you, you cracker. Give me back my hat!

XxX

Dude, I swear I did not run your dog over. That was Otogi and he already apologized. Remember? He even bought you a new puppy and you named it Snickerdoodle. Remember? God you're getting to be more and more of an air head as time progresses…And yes you were the one who hit your dog in the first place…So neh. Of course THEN you tried to steal MY dog. (Okay well it's not MY dog it's editor baka's but I consider it mind in any case.) Of course it was funny when Reno-chibi bit you.

Dude, you named your dog RENO?

Yes Cloud, I named it Reno.

And it's a male? What were you thinking?

Hush, I happen to think that's a VERY appropriate name! Not MY fault it just so happens to be one of your friend's names too.

I don't think that's a coincidence you freak.

Cloud, when did you get to be such an ASSHOLE?

Quality time with Sephiroth…

Ah, that will do that to you…But ASIDE from that and Cloud's intrusion, god he gets more sinister everyday…And Marik there's not much I can do about Sephiroth's cookie frenzy…Last time you guys slept over you all wiped out my junk food supply…You guys are bringing some supplies if you're camping out here on Friday. I think we need to drug Seph or something. Maybe get him drunk so he'll not raid my house when we all pass out. And I will warn you now Marik, that Sephiroth is to NEVER have espresso again… EVER! I've never seen ANYONE bounce off a wall in the literal sense that he did! And I blame that on YOU!

And you're a freak, but I hate to agree…Seph is about the only man I can look at and think Sexy…It must be the feminine appeal of him that calls to us. (I swear sometimes I think he's a chick save for the six-pack and biceps that are bigger than my head.)

And I think Malik is probably down the street at Heero's…they're teaching him how to shoot a gun. God that's a scary idea. And no, I checked the oven. Yugi's still in it if that makes you feel a little better.

And MY blender didn't do anything! It was the dishwasher! So fucking SUE me! Bastard. Hey it's not MY fault you provoke my fans! Only you are stupid enough to provoke my fans by waving a "Bakura is gay" banner in front of them…

…Marik…I told you to meet me outside of Wal-mart and that Sephy would be with me so you would EASILY spot us…what have you stuffed into your head Marik? Because it's clearly not your brain…

And quit sending me those damn Doujinshi pictures! I REALLY do NOT need to envision me making out with Yami, nor do I need to envision Sephiroth molesting Cloud…All four of us are ready to hurl at that one.

And if you dare bring Anzu back, I'll shove your rod up your ass. And no I'm not talking about Millennium items anymore. You can fill in the blanks from here on out…

And kiss my ass! You said I could have that hat because you can't fit your hair in it! So It's mine you whore. I'm not giving it back! Besides it's just a hat! So what if it has the Konami logo and was signed by Kazuki Takahashi!

…Oh my god, Cloud is that a fucking Chocobo in the living room?

Uh…yeah?

Leo is gonna KILL you! And hey! Get that stupid bird away from Reno-chibi! Other wise he's gonna get pecked to death!

FINE. If you'd paid more attention to me then this probably wouldn't have happened.

What am I your damn babysitter!

More or less.

God…this is just pathetic…Okay folks…I've got an oversized chicken in my living room to take care of.

Until next time.

Yours truly,

GOD.

XxX

_Leo: Okay, Konami us the company that produces le Yuugioh games and cards, Kazuki Takahashi is the Yuugioh creator. Cloud is the main character from Final Fantasy 7. Reno is an FFVII character, who is also quite the asshole (but in a good way) and a Chocobo is a large bird like critter that is a common factor in just about every Final Fantasy Game. I hope that covered all the things you need to know. For those of you who don't know FFVII then don't worry about it, I would never mix in something that you HAD to know anything important to understand. You'll be able to understand anything in here if you read any footnotes I put with it. I just figured I'd pick out the most dynamic characters I know from the series I'm familiar with and add them in._


	50. Fan Letter FortyNine

**Fan Letter Forty-Nine**

Wow…Queen is very freaking dramatic …I should stop listening to Leo's media play list…

**From: FlameSaybre03**

**To: Bakura the spirit thief**

**Subject: NONE**

Hello Bakura,

I just resist mailing you. And I swear I'm not insane...wait...never mind. My friends are already staring at me like I've grown two heads. Fine I'll admit it, I can be insane.

Anyway, I'm glad there is finally someone else who cares about stupid, idiotic mistakes people make in writing and actually call them on it. So thank you, thank you, thank you!

Another thing is that you've become my inspiration on my poetry. Thanks to you, I got high honors in my states poetry contest. (I didn't want to enter at first but my damn teacher made it an assignment.) Do you think you could do something about that when you become ruler of the world?

One last thing before I forget. Besides Akefia, you also have another name fans call you by, Tozukou. Okay maybe I don't know how to spell it. I call you Bakura, always have and always will, but is Tozukou just another random name fans have come up to call your past self.

(Small note: What the hell was with you turning into sand! No offense of course but couldn't have there been a better way to kill you off in the series? I don't know, like by the darkness or something.) Okay maybe that wasn't such a small note.

So anyway, I'll leave you now so that you don't have to put up with my meaningless rambling and get on with your wonderfully sadistic life.

Love much...well as much as an insane person can,

Saybre(yes I know it's spelled differently)

P.S You ask Kadaj if he would be willing to help me go kill a few people who really have a death wish coming? Much appreciated (I think I spelled that right.)

P.P.S And please point out any spelling and grammer mistakes. Sorry if there is any.

Xxx

Sometimes Bakura just gets annoyed that people don't take time to help themselves by reading over their work. Admittedly enough even I, the great Bakura, makes mistakes. Usually that happens when I've spent hours straight typing and my editor is either no where in sight or taking a mental vacation and it's usually the latter of the two. I don't figure I'm being particularly cruel. I just believe that a person's personality is reflected in their writing. Or maybe I'm just an asshole and I like to rag on people for being too lazy to check their work.

And when I'm ruler of the world, asinine forms of math (coughTrigonometrycough), science (save for computer science) and all other useless classes will be abolished. However, Language Arts will become a class that every one will be REQURED to pass. As we all know I am anal about spelling and grammar, no pun intended.

Well I'm not sure exactly HOW I helped you in your poetry, but congrats to you? Not that I really know much about poetry…The only poetry I've been exposed to is more or less one of Sephy's monologues…And that's not even real poetry…Thought it is truly amusing and almost inspiring. It kinda makes me want to go on a long pointless monologue. But I leave that up to Sephiroth as he is known for doing so.

The term Tozukou, or however it really is spelled, is just a Japanese term for saying "Thief King", or "King of Thieves" one of the two, I really don't know. I'm Egyptian not Japanese. It's really annoying that people think it is a real name. I think I would much rather have BS fan names than be called by a title rather than a name. And why would an ancient Egyptian be called by a Japanese title? Think about it people.

Trust me I don't know why they even had to kill me in the first place. I guess they didn't want a blood spray. Bastards. I mean WTF? I stabbed my hand on a Monster World Castle, then I allowed myself to be stabbed in the arm, and lets not forget my licking the blood off the Millennium Eye after I stole it! I mean damn people I'm all ABOUT blood!

Oh and Kadaj said he'll help you after he's done….baking cookies with 'mother'…(Who is actually just Leo in an apron). Why the fuck Kadaj thinks Leo is 'mother', I don't know but as long as it keeps him from chewing up the upholstery while looking for an alien head then I'm fine with it.

And funny think you asked there really were no major grammar and spelling mistakes…until you wrote that sentence! Because in that last sentence you spelled grammar with an e, but hell I won't hold it against you. At least you asked! Its impressive to me when people take time to make everything as error proof as they can!

I suppose I shall depart now, since I see smoke billowing from the kitchen and Kadaj running with his hair on fire…I do believe that means we won't get to try the cookies…

Signed,

GOD.

XxX

_Leo: DX It's so saaaad! I seriously can't even make COOKIES! (wallows in self pity). Okay, just to warn I may not be posting for a while. Issues at homes have destroyed all motivation I have. But I will get to every letter sent to me. I can promise youthat much. I'll update when I get my head out from a very dark place...LOVE YOU GUYS! _


	51. Fan Letter Fifty

**Fan Letter Fifty**

Bleh…I WAS going to put some witty comment up here, but I forgot it…so fuck it…

**From: pink-kiss-candy. **

**To: Bakura the spirit thief.**

**Subject: None.**

Dear Al-mighty Bakura, the Sexiest Bishie In The World and Future Dark Lord,

My name may be girly, but I still love kick-ass devils.

I love your sexy voice, it makes my heart beat 100,000 million miles an hour. You're the number one villain and ten thousand times better than Yami.

Also, I completely agree with you on that friendship (fuck!) thing. I used to think your hair looked strange, but then I noticed the horns and it all made sense. You look more devilish than the devil, but it looks so damn hot.

When you dueled Bones in the graveyard, you looked so cute!. When you pulled your first card the Headless Knight and made that droolalicious smirk, it drives me crazy. And, I'd like to ask you a couple of questions.

1. Have you ever noticed part of Sephiroth's hair resembles Marik's hikari?.

2. Why do people think Kaiba is so hot?. He looks normal to me.

3. What's your favorite song?.

4. What song do you absolutely hate?.

5. Who do you think is worse; you or Satan?.

Oh, and I noticed you like Sephiroth. I found this video of you with his theme.

Xxx

Damn, if your heart is beating THAT fast I think you might want to get that checked out. Dear that's not healthy and I fear you heart may simply implode if you're not careful. And yes I am better than Yami, but that is a given. I mean, don't we already know that I PWN his ass?

Except in dueling.

Cloud? What the fuck are you still doing here?

I thought I would linger and harass you more.

Man, you really ARE turning into an asshole.

Told you.

Okay, shut up now, I'm TRYING to answer some questions. Sephy and Malik? Hmmm….I really don't see the resemblance there…I mean Malik's a blonde and Seph's got white hair.

It's silver, god damn it! Stop making me sound OLD.

Sephiroth shut up, will you? WAIT what are you AND Cloud doing here? Didn't we establish that you two aren't allowed to be in the same room anymore?

Yeah.

Uh huh.

And neither of you listen…Guh…this is the shit I deal with…Anyways. As to why people think Kaiba is hot, I don't know, truly I don't wish to know what half of the people are thinking. It's bad enough I saw a fan picture of Sephiroth totally raping Cloud…I don't need to think about what other creepy things people are creating in their sick minds.

Oh fucking HELL! Who posted that? Give me an address and a list of their greatest fears!

Sephiroth, interrupt me one more time and I'll hide your animal crackers FAR away where you can't retrieve them.

I think I'm gonna go kill myself now….

Cloud, the same goes for you, if you don't hush your Emo mouth I will tell Tifa where you're hiding.

Dude, that's just fucking cruel.

SILENCE! I'm TRYING to get these questions answered! Okay my favorite song? Oh dear…That's a really hard question. I mean there are SO many songs I love entirely. How about this, I will random shuffle my play list and list the next random five songs that play, okay? Will that suit you?

1. 'Season Three, Full metal Alchemist Ending theme' of which I don't know it's actual name even though I should but I really don't care so deal with it.

2. 'Cheap Sunglasses' by ZZ Top, good band if you can tolerate guys with more hair in their beards than I have on my head.

3. 'Since I don't have you', by Guns n Roses, Heh, Axle Rose's voice is SOOO obnoxious to the point where you almost….love it.

4. Sadly… 'Going under' by Evanescence. Before any one says anything against it, Evanescence was cool until people started to over dramatize it and make it all Emo-y and shit. I liked it back when everyone else didn't think much of it. Tch, it's not the music that's bad, it's the over zealous fans.

5. 'White Flag', by Dido…Honestly I have NO idea why that song is even on my computer…I think I've listened to it a total of two times…But then again I have over three days straight worth of music….so yeah…I think listening to something twice out of oh say 1000 songs is pretty darn good if I do say so myself. (Don't even ask why I have that much music. I often steal Leo's CDs and copy them to my play list.)

Song I hate? Oh an equally hard one. But I'm sure I can figure a few out. I shall list the top three that I hate because I think they fall pretty close on horribleness.

1. Welcome to my Life, by Simple Plan. I hate that song because it is so pity party music! I've had it harder than some teenaged crybaby and I don't bitch about-okay yes I do, but I don't sound like a little Emo child doing it! ZOMG! Get over it! And it drives me insane every time I hear that song!

2. Feel Good, Inc. By Gorrillaz. Yes I think Gorrillaz is cool, even though I just spelled it wrong twice, but I HATE that song now that it has been drilled into my brain forty seven billion times!

3. And the one that a hate simply for the fact that it's terrible, is Marilyn Manson's remake of Soft Cell's 'Tainted Love'. I'm sorry for those of you who like it, but that is possibly the worst thing since the Furby became a smash hit in 1997. Any of you remember the Furby? That thing was horrible…Though it was funny when I taught one to say "the pharaoh sucks balls".

But yeah, music is a very important feature to my semi-sanity.

As far as who's worse, I think that Satan has a few things to learn from me. For instance if you wanna torture your prisoners, just blare Manson music. End of story.

Ack…I don't LIKE Spehiroth, I tolerate him. But at least his theme song kicks ass…I should have gotten a dramatic theme song with Latin lyrics.

Dude, you just spelled my name wrong!

Excuse me; it's the voice typer's fault!

USER ERROR!

It's not MY fault you got the short end of the decent names stick.

Hey my name is very good, thank you!

It's JEWISH!

You got something against Jews!

No, and what are you giving me that look for? You're not even a Jew!

Hey uh, guys…you just broke four pages…to a letter that was only three fourths of one page….I think we should PROBABLY wrap this up.

SHUT UP CLOUD!

SHUT UP CLOUD!

Okay okay, rotten bastards, I hope a Chocobo craps in your living room.

…Eh….Cloud is right…I guess we SHOULD wrap this up….Now that everyone has probably given up on the prospect of this reply ending…dear god, how can you people have tolerated me this long?

The same way I tolerate you.

Okay which one of you said that?

It was Cloud.

It was not you asshole! It was you! Don't blame it on me!

Guh…Okay I have to continue BABYSITTING now. Son of a bitch what did I do to have to deserve this? Well I hope that answered any questions you had! Love you my darling who still put up with me even though this whole thing has completely lost its point ages ago!

Much Adoration (Bwaha I actually spelled that word right this time!)

GOD.

Xxx

_Leo: To the one who wrote this, I was just about to get to the first one when you sent another with additions to it so I opted for this one since it had more to work with. If it cut off at any point I do apologize, some times the review system will do that, that's why I URGE you to PM it instead of reviewing your letters!_

_On another note! FIFTY letters! Damn guys! And I still have like 30 in waiting! You guys PWN!_


	52. Fan Letter FiftyOne

**Fan Letter Fifty-One**

This one sent me two emails and so I thought I would kindly put them together, which will undoubtedly make this a very long reply!

**From: Atropa Belladonna**

**To: Bakura the spirit thief**

**Subject: NONE.**

Dear, Bakura,

First off I'd like to say you're the reason I am still buying Yu-Gi-Oh! manga.

I got the first volume because Yugi is so gosh darn cute! He seems to have a problem with attracting psychos with Yami/Yugi-oh/Atem/Atemu as psycho numero uno (meaning he was the first one Yugi encountered not that he out-psychos is that a word? you in any way; except where the Dark Magician is concerned but let's not go there). And then I bought Volume 6 and I knew the awesomeness that is Bakura.

Anyway, I have a question for you:

Are Kurama and Hiei in the Silver Haired Evil Guys club? Or did Kurama get kicked out for have red hair most of the time now? Hiei does have a little silver hair, but he's the type that eats all the ice cream and animal crackers and doesn't buy more (he still owes me a carton of rocky road). Sephy wouldn't like that. Kurama could so help you get the puzzle from Pharaoh Amnesia/Identity crisis. How can you go wrong with a 1,000 year old fox demon helping you?

Oh and please don't goth-up Ryou too much (trust me I have a good reason for this). If you allow women in the Secondly Silver Haired Evil Guys club he could so convince Iferita (of El Hazard) to join.

Okay, so she's not a thief or 100 evil, but she does have silver hair, and she rocks! The fact that she's technically a weapon of mass destruction has got to count for something. And she digs nice, sweet guys like Ryou. She would totally fall for his marshmallowy yumminess. And then your club would have an awesome babe and Ryou would never have to worry about fangirls again.

Good luck on you dastardly plans,

Atropa Belladonna

(part 2)

**From: Atropa Belladonna**

**To: Bakura the spirit thief**

**Subject: NONE.**

Dear Lord-of-the-never-ending-fanfic Bakura,

Yeah, yeah I know I emailed you already but there's this one question I just gotta ask.

Remember I said I read the Yu-Gi-Oh! manga? Well, I got my hands on the capsule monsters movie and finally saw the Yugi-tachi in action for the first time.

So here's my question:

I know he's your bud and all but, how in the world do you put up with the Pharaoh?

I swear listening to him talk was like having a bottle cheese whiz spontaneously develop vocal cords and start chattering. He's cheesy! Cheesy, cheesy, cheesy! You could, like, spread him on Ritz crackers and feed him to munchkins. And they'd eat him too. Seriously, they would; have you ever played Munchkin? Those little guys are vicious. Great game though, you'd love it! I don't think the Pharaoh could handle a game were you're supposed to cheat, heheh.

And that whole scene were he merges with the Dark Magician? OMG I did NOT want to see that! It's so wrong on so many levels. Bet, Mahaado enjoyed it though. ewww...

Egypt should thank you for taking this guy out. I mean really, when he died they dodged a bullet.

So, in closing I know you can't kill him but you can at least annoy him by taking his wet (clean) laundry out of the washer and putting it in the freezer at the Base (although I can't imagine Kaiba would enjoy finding icy Dark Magician boxers next to the frozen waffles). Or you could just kick his butt at Munchkin. I figure you'd be the king at a game with the tag line, "Kill the monster, steal the treasure, stab your buddy".

Tootles,

Atropa Belladonna

P.S. I showed a pic of Ryou to Iferita and she's totally into him. So I hope you don't mind me setting your hikari up on a blind date with a Demon god/weapon of mass destruction from an alternate reality.

Xxx

I suppose you would be correct in saying that Yami WAS the first psycho, but then he went all soft and turned into a good guy who didn't destroy people's souls any more…So therefore all of his good deeds kind of cancel out his once upon a time badliness…And yes I am awesome. I still lost, but I'm awesome no doubt! One day I will win and it will be a sweet sweet victory! Bwahahahahahaha!

Hiei isn't part of the Evil Silver Haired Guys group because, while he has SOME silver, he's got more black hair than anything else. Though Kurama isn't allowed, Youko is! So we're not TOTALLY kicking him out. He still gets pissy about that. But you know rules are rules. I didn't make them…Sephiroth did. I'm only the Vice President. I suppose you guys would like to know who is currently in our little gang wouldn't you?

Okay here are the current (major) members of the ESHG group!

Sephiroth, me, Kadaj (a.k.a. Pretty Brother), Yazoo (who I SWEAR is on SOME kind of drug), Loz (a.k.a. Ugly brother), Ryou (because he's been corrupted just enough), Youko (still pissed off at me), Vicious (I think that's the guy's name, I don't rightly remember), Aion (who is entirely too chipper for his own good), and Sesshoumaru, who refuses to speak when I have this typer thing on. No matter how much I prod him. Oh and also Heero. Even though technically he SHOULDN'T be in the group. There are other members but of course, but they're obviously not worth mentioning.

And yes, Sephy doesn't like it when his animal crackers go missing. He gets very mad, that's REALLY what happened to Vincent's Arm.

It is not…

Oh come on Vin, you ruined my dramatizing Seph's horrible temper.

Don't call me Vin, and I don't care. Asshole.

Geeze…are you sure you're not related to Sephiroth? You are as hell get pissy JUST like he does…

We've had this discussion already…

And I don't believe you! Between you and Hojo! Come on, be realistic man! Sephiroth CAN'T POSSIBLY have Hojo's genes! Sephiroth is sexy, you are sexy, and Hojo is CLEARLY not! And I meant that in a NON-GAY manner. So there's only one possible answer!

I'm NOT Sephiroth's father!

LIAR!

I'm no- you know what I'm not going to argue with you because it's like talking to a brick wall…Or worse, it's like talking to Sephiroth.

Psssshaw…I still think the resemblance is there…You're just in denial. Anyways, sadly, we don't allow females in the group (why do I have this feeling of déjà vu? That's freaking weird….or that could possibly be my leg falling asleep…) After all the group is called Evil Silver Haired GUYS. Soon we will have a Women's Association too though, once we can round up enough candidates…Sadly I think Ryou was serious in that letter he sent to me about hooking up with…Jounouchi…EW. Actually yes I permit you to set them up on a date…Dear god, I would let my hikari be with ANYONE but that damn…flea bitten DOG.

Heh….CHEESE WHIZ! That's actually quite a humorous comparison! But you'd be surprised to know that the pharaoh is not ALWAYS Cheesy….Just 90 percent of the time. Which really isn't bad considered it used to be a 110 percent sort of thing. One day I will finally break him down to a point where you could ALMOST tack the word cool to him. Of course the only way to ACTUALLY call him cool is if we were to shave his head bald, but as I've spoken once before his hair re-grows, therefore, that's a near impossible feat.

Too bad the bastard can't STAY dead…and yeah I seriously think Mahaado was the pharaoh's little bitch… you know what? Egypt should make me their national HERO!

Actually I'm almost tempted to do that! Freezing his boxers would definitely be hilarity at its finest! I have to wait until I finally get Vincent's cloak back before I do that though. His damn cloak takes up much of the extra freezer space, what with everyone's Popsicle obsession hogging up most of the space and all.

So you DO have my cloak.

Uh….no?

Give me back my cloak or prepare to die.

Ack, you know you REALLY sound like Sephy too…It's creepy stop that. AH! And put that claw down! Don't kill me yet! I'll give you back your damn cloak! Just don't go all CHAOS on me okay?

You've got ten minutes, or I'll hunt you down.

Freaking A, that's not fair! How about ten minutes AFTER I finish this letter?

No.

Damn! Okay uh…Again I don't mind if you hook my hikari up with someone as long as it's not Jounouchi…dear god that would border wrong on more levels than one! Meh, Vincent is giving the "I will kill your ass dead" look, so I think I will go find his fecking cloak now…Is it just me or are these people slowly taking over my so called story? Oh my god I'm being run out by a bunch of raving lunatics!

Who are YOU to talk?

If it weren't for the fact that you have a brass/golden claw in place of a real left arm I would tell you to shut up, but I seriously don't want to know how good your left swing is…

Wise of you.

Okay, I've stalled enough. I hope I answered your questions dear! I'm glad you think I'm awesome! (Because it would be silly to think I'm not!)

Your inquiries are much appreciated (haw haw big words),

GOD.

Xxx

_Leo: Yes I intend to somewhere put just about every Final Fantasy character I can think of. And plenty of others from other series! You guys will adore the premiere of Heero and Duo! Trust meh! Anyways, I hope you guys aren't getting bored with this fic, because truthfully I could probably stand to put more effort into it, these responses just kinda flow with ease. Those following along and even contributing, I LOVE YOU! _


	53. Fan Letter FiftyTwo

**Fan Letter Forty-Two  
**  
Another reply for my dear friend who always has SOMETHING to bitch about! Don't I just adore these estranged letters!

** From: Teh Angel of Nocturne**

**To: Bakura the spirit thief **

**Subject: …I surrender?**

I have to admit… you cleared up nearly every argument I ever had with you thus far. This sucks, you realize that? Now I have nothing to talk about to you… maybe this is the last letter… damn.

But in the mean time, I will keep using your fan name (Akefia) for my own personal use… I kind of like it. If it helps you, think of it as more of nickname… like Baka or Snuggles or Poo…or dip shit, whichever comes first.

And I don't really take offense, I just sound like I do cause when I write these I am usually sugar-high… today I feel mellow, not much up to arguments with the spell-check demon that is you, Bakura. Nope, sorry, I'm out of it, so…. I don't know, whatever.

And my inability to check my own statements is of course my own fault, but let's refrain from pointing that out, shall we? I would prefer to be left alone for that matter… again, I don't feel like arguing about it… I think Marik screaming for over two hours of my lil sister's torture punishment (which I believe consists of some very Satanic love rituals that I shall explain no further due to some adult-rated content) has left me wiped of energy… I wanna take nap.

And may I point out your mistakes for a while, just for fun? If I can then… BWAHAHAHAHA LET THE FUN BEGIN! (Yeah, energy!)

When you said "give you the original of that HORRIBLE name" I'm sure you meant origin, right? And when you were referring to "silly human" and then in the next two sentences over "they" did you accidentally forget the "s" after human? You also said "Be only being harsh" which is a typo for "Me only being harsh" …perhaps you forgot to put a word in there, hmm? In many of your sentences there are words missing, or they don't make any sense at all… um, shouldn't YOU be using your ABILITY to look over and correct your own work? The ability that I apparently do not have, but it seems that you lack as well? And don't you dare blame Leo with that… if you're "God" like you say you are then you should be able to do that, right BAKURA?

… That was fun.

Oh, and Kaiba was burning down Trenton, New Jersey… I just wanted to say that cause I passed it by on my way to my Grandma's house… so yeah, wtf on that one….

This brings me to another wondrous topic… why the fuck is it that all of your fans always make Seto their second favorite hottie? I hate to break it to them, but you two are not really hot or sexy… okay maybe you guys are, but considering that your personalities entitle abusing people and just being plain ugly to anyone who so much as looks at you is a SERIOUS turn-off… so why do they like you both? It's my (and any psychiatrist's) philosophy that girls who don't get enough love at home are bound to end up with nasty, irksome men because they are desperate for love and attention… but in the case of your fan girls I would perhaps say that they don't know any better and the fact that you act like a bad boy makes you attractive to the really stupid or dark-obsessed (because they think its cool) chicks.(Again I am not that much a fan girl of you so I cannot be considered that far in). Really it's like falling in love with fire—it will burn you if you are not careful enough (or smart enough) to admire it at a distance… hence why many pyromaniacs and your fan girls will not live very long if they fall under a complete fixation.

Basically, you're like that light that all the moths end up committing suicide over.

But that's beside the point. Both of you are cold and heartless and just plain MEAN! You boss people around, send poor souls off to the Shadow Realm like a 16th century French executioner (even if they do deserve it the action is harsh), and act like bastards to everyone within twenty-five feet of you. My Ra, girls just love the bad ass, now don't they? Well, I'll just stick with being obsessed over Yami (if he's still alive), because he may blabber on about friendship (fuck) and crud like that but he's still made of darkness as proven by Dartz and the Orichalcos crew.

By the way, where were you during that whole fiasco? There is no way on this here Earth that you decided to sit that whole world-conquest thing out… unless you knew it was going to fail. Perhaps you sabotaged the whole damn thing? Or maybe your soul got sucked up before you could even know what was happening? If that was the case then I am so laughing at you right now… MWAHAHAHA!

And as for Marik… yeah, we did give him a good home… if you can call this Nazi death-camp that is my sister's Third Reich rule over him a good home. I have informed my sister about Marik's usage of the phone and skinned rats (which he got from… actually I don't know where he got them, I'll have to ask now—we have a collection of six, if you count the infant he cleaned from a mother's womb). She wasn't upset, just extremely pissed that he's hiding things from him. Yeah, she has the 2 by 4 with her now… OH DUDE! I just watched Marik get smacked cleaned across the face! Oh, I can't watch, he's screaming too much… she's kicking him in the nuts… oh Ra.

Anyways, he still says the toenail collection is yours, and apparently Seto's too. Marik was collecting them for his own use of which he will not define… he says he has DNA evidence that they're yours… and video images of you putting your nails in the bag… I saw them they look edited and cheesy… yeah, I'd be careful where you leave your clipping from now on, Bakura.

And must I now ask for your consent in order to write a fan fiction, hmm? (And I like spelling "fan fiction" that way—bug off I like being weird, just as you are insane to the point of, well, insanity). I'm actually glad that I'm not in the Shadow Realm for what I wrote to you, I was almost sure that that was where I would go… but of course if you could easily dispose of me like that then I'm confident that a couple of your other so-called fans would be gone as well.

I take no drugs, thank you…and don't blame me for the stuff I write! Blame my muse, she drinks Tequila at around three and that's when I write my fiction… so forgive her, she's nuts. My muse is the one to blame… but my muse is a part of me… so I am the one to blame… yeah, never mind, you were right. Sorry.

(My Ra I sound so submissive in this damned letter! I think you have nearly worn me down, Thief King!)

Oh, and Marik just said that you're wrong, you still owe him money. He says that you lost to him last Friday at Strip Poker and you promised to give him ten bucks later if you didn't have to strip… I don't know, I can't really tell what he's saying he's screaming so much… ouch, that one had to hurt. Oh, now he's under the bed, so he won't be coming out for a while… Ra my life is so weird.

That was it. Frankly you've removed much of the fight from me… but I will still bite you in your scrawny albino ass whenever possible.

From Your Fan Who… Is Out Of Things To Say,

Teh Angel

P.S. Is asinine your new word? Seriously, you say it in nearly every fucking reply lately.

P.P.S. Marik says he has your British Flag Pants now—he stole them from Leo. But I don't believe him, so ask Leo. And show some appreciation for her, Ra-damnit! Leo is awesome, even if she doesn't do very well at spell-check (as was proven in your reply to my last letter… but we all can't be God, now can we, Bakura?) But we all love her anyway cause she rocks.

xxx

Some how I hardly believe that you have no arguments for me, you only make my day with the weird shit you seem to throw at me, and some times even a challenge as I have to make effort to delicately void every argument against me. It's fun nonetheless.

As far as that blasted Akefia name. I really don't care anymore; as long as people realize that it's NOT my real name I'm good. Hell even my blasted editor uses it. (Of whom I haven't bitched about in a while.) Like you said, there are worse possible names out there…Like those people calling me Touzoku-oh. That drives me nuts. I'm NOT JAPANESE, people!

And now that you've FINALLY admitted that you have no damn excuse I am willing to drop the argument (which I would have dropped a long time ago if you had been so kind as to admit it several letters ago. What letter are we on now? Dear me, I can't seem to remember.) And one must feel sorry for poor Marik, who seems to be being bounced around all over the place…. Your sister isn't doing her job watching after him.

Point out my mistakes as you will, however I am ready and willing to admit them. I make mistakes too. Hence why I speak of having an EDITOR. Granted my mistakes are usually far and few between, at least I will say, "you know what, holy hell I made a fucking typo! Yay!" And also due to my need to write twenty letters out in one sitting, and words blurring as I go, not to mention feeling that if I'm faced with thousands of typos in one letter, my few won't be very offensive now will they? Amusing, once I point out people's mistakes they will readily overly check my writing to find mistakes, which only proves that they can do that to their own work. Which I'm SURE just made a lot of people feel really stupid. In short, well not in short because this paragraph has kinda grown long, I've decided to stop caring about my grammar and spelling! When everyone else decides to care, then I will too! Make sense? In a way I guess you could say I'm on spell check strike! Unless it's so horrible something MUST be said….

Oh dear…I hope I didn't just kill your buzz. That wasn't intentional.

Kaiba's plum lost his mind that much I'm sure of, but don't tell him I told you, he might go flame thrower on my ass.

And hey, what's your problem? I didn't ASK to be obsessed over, and I can't control the fact that these people think Seto is hot too. What do you want ME to do about it? I could tell half of these people to go fuck themselves and chances are they would still obsess over me, so it's not like I can control them. Leo-baka is a prime example. I can't tell you HOW many times I've told her to go fuck herself, but NO she builds a shrine in my honor instead, in her walk in closet entirely made out of gum, gum of which was chewed by me. And honestly, it's not like I'm screaming HEY FALL IN LOVE WITH ME! How many times have I made it clear that I'm not looking for a partner? I'm just as happy with my loving pack of misfits that I call friends, or more or less partners in crime. And I'll have you know not everyone who considers himself or herself a follower is necessarily 'in love' with me. And new flash, I don't ACT like anything…I'm not a 'bad boy' nor am I a 'goody goody'. I'm no stereotypical anything. I am Bakura. It's not MY fault people like the fact that I am BAKURA. And nothing else….Guh, what was your point again?

And please, by all means worship the Pharaoh, he needs worshippers. Not to mention in the end you'll end up helping my cause, whether everyone knows it or not Yami and I have a partnership and he, as well as Seto and Marik, intend to help me in my plans for world domination. Because I'm awesome like that. (That and the fact that I have black mail on each of them…Well except Marik, he would have helped me anyways…I have Sephiroth backing me and Marik has this irking fear of Sephiroth.)

And actually during the whole Dartz scenario I was quite content stowing away inside of my ring, of which thanks to my being a cheap ass and hiding in it while the souls were being eaten by a creature that sounds like it fell out of Sephiroth's world, I was able to linger on the planet while everyone else was gone. It was nice really. I looted some awesome things while people were absent. Mainly because I knew it wouldn't last. Leave it to the baka pharaoh to bring humanity back…Tch…

I take it back by the way. Tell Marik I hope he has fun. IN HELL! HAHAHAHAHA!

Dude….I can't even remember the last time I clipped my toenails…Wait why are we talking about this? My toenails don't even grow anymore! I'm technically DEAD! WTF? Marik is gonna get his ass kicked next time I see him, which will probably be next week end because we have a Psychotic Villains meeting at the bowling alley. I just realized that MOST of my buddehs are all parts of the same organizations as I am…That's kinda kick ass…but you know…I'm starting to think we should just combine them into one big organization with separate divisions…I'll have to suggest it to Sephiroth, who is also the president of the Psycho Villains too….I mean seriously…I think he beats me in insanity…Anyone who fights for the sake of 'mother' deserves it.

Oh and I don't hold it against you that you wish to make my insides BURN with your horrible fan fictions consisting of me kissing creatures that are now decaying in the bottom of the Japanese Sea (Anzu)(BITCH- I've chosen a new word because everyone is copying me now with the FUCK thing…. Augh I'm such a trendsetter…and fucking A that sounded gay! Heh…. I rhymed!) I only think less of you my dear, that's all. And I don't give a damn if you spell fan fiction as separate words…I do it too….That is after all the proper way to write it.

I was about to say…if your muse is part of you….then you have no excuse…That's like the crap Leo tries to pull with me! "Oh Bakura it's not MY fault that my muse happens to think you would make a smashing couple with yourself!" WHAT THE FUCK LEO! Your muse, Marka, is a SCREAMING HOMOSEXUAL! Of COURSE he would think that! GAH! My editor is a freaking tard.

And wtf? Marik, I DID strip! I owe you nothing you bitch! Corporate WHORE! Communist BASTARD! Random insult that is very cliché and has the final word that is capitalized entirely! I have PROOOOOOF I stripped! Zomg! Seto, Dark, Sephiroth AND Cloud were ALL there! I hope you get all the torture you can survive…But please, Angel, don't let your sister kill him…Because that wouldn't be fun anymore….I like watching Marik in pain.

Ah come on now, I'm sure you can find more thing to bitch at me about! Don't tell me I've whipped your high-strung ass already! (I mean it in an utmost loving manner but of course!) Besides I think I can take a few teeth marks, so bring it on if you got it! I'm ready!

And yes….asinine is my new word, as in the entire conversation is probably deemed asinine by anyone on the outside reading it…I think it's amusing so I shall continue it even If I'm probably driving people ass backwards crazy, well because that's what I do and I love it and all of you know that you will continue to listen to me rant even though I've long ago run out of things to say yet I continue anyways in the hopes that I will find something to say but instead reply on the fact that this is SO turning into a pointless monologue even though I was specifically told by Sephiroth that I am not longer allowed to say more than 200 words on one breath, or should I say in one straight typing period, but then again it doesn't matter because he's not here so I can continue to continue and ramble on until I've feel one hundred percent sure I've made a total ass out of myself and now have lost sight of what the initial topic of this paragraph was and have probably confused the readers, of which I'm surprised have read this far anyways considering I truly am an arrogant bastard even though I truly love being one and probably won't stop any time soon, no not even for animal cracker, which only really work on Sephiroth anyways, but the pink frosted ones are good, but that is beside the point considering I really have no initial point and I'm just waiting to see who sends me hate mail for writing a paragraph that damn long without putting in a single period, thus making this one of my longest run on sentences ever and making me any English teacher's worst night mare, not that I care because I'm on grammar strike, so what does it matter, I can probably keep this going for hours, simply because I'm doing out of spite knowing that most of you are going to get completely pissed that you had to read a paragraph of THAT proportion, but then again I HAVE made longer rants, after all, I may not be the monologue master, but I do think I'm a pretty damn good ranter, and I MUST be considering most of you have read up til now and if you're still reading this paragraph, kudos to you, because I'm actually aiming for five hundred words just for the fact that five hundred words it about how long one of Leo's research papers for school was and I wanted to do a comparison in plain non spaced rant, who knew that five hundred words would nearly take up an entire page, gee whilickers Batman, I spelled that word wrong while trying to make a bad Batman joke, and I've still not run out of nothing to babble about, man I can talk about nothing for quite a while, I'm good that way I guess, well five hundred has been officially reached now!

Zomg I beat Sephiroth at a monologue! ZOMG! I PWN!

Oh my god, how did that spawn from the word asinine? Dear god if you read that whole paragraph of nothing I reward you with a free 'hug Bakura' card…Any one who let their eyes get abused by that deserves at LEAST that much….

And you know what, I STILL don't know who has my DAMN PANTS! Leo's not talking! Now all of a sudden she feels loved and has a sudden rush of courage to stand up to me! DAMN YOU people and your encouraging words! GAH! Leo is a bitch! Yes she is and she should be SHOT!

Anyways, on a lighter note I've completed my reply! Which most of you are probably thanking the GODS by now…I do apologize for my over incessant babbling…Wait…I don't apologize….I'm on STRIKE! If you don't like it KISS. MY. ASS!

Love,

The thief that gives no damn about typos because people don't care in general!

GOD.

Xxx

_Leo: I think this is THE single longest chapter…dear god that rant was brutal…I apologize for that one my fingers wouldn't stop even though my brain was telling them to just like they're doing right now so before I go on another long rant I shall say this: I LOVE YOU GUYS for liking this crap fan fiction of mine! You guys all PWN!_


	54. Fan Letter FiftyThree

Fan Letter Fifty-Three

Leo's girlfriend is a tad bit strange….

**From: Psycho. Shadow.**

**To: Bakura the spirit thief.**

**Subject: RE from Letter 17. **

O.o Dude, what was with Ryou in that post? He sounded, emotionless! HE'S NOT GOTH HE'S EMO!

-runs around in crazy circles- Now I totally have to like get him new clothes! HE MUST BE GOTH! RYOU-BAKA CANNOT BE EMO! Oh, and Ryou would never look good in shorts and boots. Try leather pants and kickass stilettoes. And a corset. And black hairdye. And fangs. And loadsa spiky shit. Seriously, I've raided Pumpkinhead for all this goth shit.

Oh, and by the way. You want British Flag shit? Get your arse to England and go to the joke shops. They have loads there.

Shadow

PS For £100 I'll punk out Malik and Yugi. And for an extra £50 I'll get Ryou pierced. -whispers- And throw in Anzu's dead body and I'll make Joey have an 'accident'. -shifty look- What? I'm gonna send her body to my enemy as a warning!

Xxx

Augh…I think I've changed my mind. I don't wanna see my hikari turned into a freak…How about we just get an ACDC t-shirt but it on him get him some Hush Puppy sneakers and let him wear pants that are a tad too big with a huge ass wallet chain? I don't want to destroy my hikari by making him a stereotype…Geeze…Corsets are for girls…Not GUYS. And My hikari WILL NOT dye his hair black. His hair is cooler white than it EVER will be black. Bleh I think hair dye is retarded…I mean why change your NATURAL hair color when it will look to fake? (And newsflash people brunettes can't go blonde without it being OBVIOUS.)

Augh….I don't want just ANY British Flag shit. I WANT my British Flag pants that I stole from Joe Elliot, Lead singer of Def Leppard! And I want them back NOWWW! And I STILL don't know WHO has them! Fucking god if I don't get them back I will go effing MAD!

And Anzu's (BITCH) body is now at the bottom of the sea, I can't send you her body…Not to mention that's just fucking creepy and I REALLY don't want to touch her, or see her EVER again. The more dead she is the better.

What the fuck is a £, that's the symbol of pounds right? Zomg…all I know of are Dollars, Yen, Markkas, rupees and gil. I don't know shit about Pounds…Hell I don't even know what that translates into in our currency I hate money…I was rather fond of plain old gold…Guh…I don't care about the other two though, as I rarely see them. And I think I can plain out kill Jounouchi and everyone will be happy. I don't think we even need to take the 'accident' approach.

Augh…This Tales of Phantasia game has been calling me for the last twenty minutes so I MUST go play it…

Sincerely,

The only one who TRULY owns Leo,

GOD.

XxX

_Leo: …wanders off to emerge self in the SNES platform world. _


	55. Fan Letter FiftyFour

**Fan Letter Fifty-Four**

Yay my friend Miko-chan returns! Remember her? She's the one I virused up the school boards for!

**From-A.Crazy.Bakura.Fangirl**

**To-Bakura the spirit thief**

**Subject-Thanks!**

To the most honorable King of the world Bakura-

THANK YOU SO MUCH! That virus you sent to the school boards of America did the trick; they had to cancel the rest of this year's tests. Not sure about next year though...is the virus permanent? Oh, and I understand about you teaching me, so I've been teaching myself. I robbed a bank successfully last week, and was wondering if I could join your organization for thieves...If so, yay. If not, ok. Oh, and tell Yami that Yugi told me about his pink haired incident...Yami will know what I mean...

From the Crazily Obsessed Fangirl in America who will write again,

Miko-Chan

P.S-May I help darken up Ryou?

Xxx

My hacking skills are only limited my dear, I will try however to make sure I wipe out the entire school system. (Actually I'm gonna be a cheap bastard about it and get Heero and Duo to do it).

You know we CAN hear you…

Oh…well come on man, you know you wanna help this chick out!

No I don't.

Heero, stop being such an asshole, if I let you shoot Relena point blank will you annihilate the American School System? Which would Ironically be acronymed as ASS.

Fine. But only if I get to use Vincent's gun.

HEY WAIT a second!

Shut up Vincent! It's a deal Heero!

You can't volunteer MY gun!

I just did, now hush and go back to brooding in your dark little corner like you always do!

I hope you DIE Bakura, just die in a little hole in hell.

Okaaaaay, Vin, you're scary buddy, you're scary…

Can I go now? I have a mission to take up.

Yes Heero, by all means! Vamoose!

'Vamoose?'

JUST GO. Anywho, surely you can join the Kick Ass Thieves organization, which is now a sub division under the Psycho Villains Incorporated. We're FINALLY, OFFICIALLY all under a single organization! Bwaha! And I am Vice Pres. of the WHOLE fecking thing! (I bet you ALL Know who's president…yep…OF COURSE, that would be Sephiroth…)

Because Sephiroth is generally MORE kick ass than you…Because he actually DESTROYS things rather than playing cards.

Vincent, when in the blue blazing FUCKS did you get to be such a jackass?

Don't you want to know…

Guh, you're as fecking impossible as Sephiroth.

STOP COMPARING US!

But it's OBVIOUS it's the TRUTH! You know what, I think you need to take a paternity test!

I think you need to roll over and simply DIE, but you don't DO you?

I swear before this damn story-ish thing is done I WILL discover the TRUTH!

Just go to hell.

Hey come back here I'm not done talking to you! VINCENT! GAH, he's so freaking impossible…Heh, you know something funny…I actually remember the pink hair incident…because that was around the same time mine got turned baby blue. I'm not explaining how THAT happened, but let's just say it wasn't cool…Damn Yami, you fucker.

Oh and I've decided to not turn my hikari into a freakish Satanic looking albino…Bleh…I realize that while he would look totally bad ass, there are too many posers around and that would cramp his style. So yeah. Mission pimp my hikari is taking a different direction!

Anyways…now I have to go try and rip out one of Vin's hairs for DNA testing…Which could take a while…

Wish me luck!

Yours truly,

GOD.

XxX

_Leo: If by NOW you haven't figured out that most of this 'story' doesn't exactly follow 'cannon' then what have you been doing all this time? Just thought I'd mention this because I don't want ANYONE taking this story seriously…(Besides I don't BELIEVE in cannon. There are NO rules to fan fiction, so nah!)_


	56. Fan Letter FiftyFive

**Fan Letter Fifty-Five**

Ah another reply!

**Reply to letter 28**

**RE: Hello**

Bakura,

The Bad ass thieves meeting was rescheduled this month for the 28th, cause Hild said she had to attempt to kill 'those damn goddesses' again, on that day. The 6th doesn't work for me though, I planned on murdering Anzu that day. How bout the 15th?

XxX

The 15th? Hmmm…I really don't se a need to reschedule, dear, I've already slaughtered Anzu, so I don't see why you're even TRYING to use that excuse…And the Bad Ass thieves meeting wasn't rescheduled…Was it?

No.

Thank you Sephiroth, I didn't think so. Wait…Who DOES make the schedule?

I do.

No freaking way? You actually PARTICIPATE?

Yes, Bakura, I do.

Dude, are you feeling okay? You haven't verbally assaulted me yet…It's creepy, stop it.

Dude, who's Hild?

Nice subject change….Hild? I dunno. What's the talk about Goddesses?

Don't ask me, I'm only here to fill in the empty space because your cheap ass couldn't think of anything better.

Oh, you know what!

What?

GAH! You're NOT supposed to reply you motherfucker!

Don't talk about MOTHER that WAY!

ACK, but the fucking sword DOWN, Sephy! I didn't mean it in a harmful context! GAH! Dude! You sliced off like ten strands of hair! You BASTARD!

That's a WARNING! Next time I won't miss!

You can't talk to your Vice President like that! EEEK okay maybe you can! AAAH! I APOLOGIZE MAN! UNCLE UNCLE! FUCKING MERCY!

That's right bitch, BEG. Get down on your knees and beg for forgiveness!

Haven't you used that line some where before?

Yes, but it's cool and I am the perfect being so I'm entitled to Copyright Infringe myself with a quote that is mine anyways.

Ah…Point…Okay fine, I think… I want to be forgiven!

HEY! That's a low blow man!

I'm sorry Cloud I couldn't resist! Haaahahahah! You just sounded like SUCH a tard when you said that the first time around! That quote was like a fecking target man!

Uh…Bakura, you do realize your Voice Typer is still on right?

It is? Oh fuck… Eh…Um…Bye?

Signed

GOD, and his Buddehs.

XxX

_Leo: Leave it to ME to make a longer than necessary reply to a short letter…._


	57. Fan Letter FiftySix

**Fan Letter Fifty-Six**

Ack, my puppy just bit my foot….

**From: Shadow Cat **

**To: Bakura the spirit thief**

**Subject: NONE**

This isn't a story, but oh well.

Dear Bakura the sexy almighty king of thieves,

You're awesome. You're the only real reason I started watching Yu-gi-oh. The other characters (besides Ryou and Marik) are total geeks and that Tea bitch is so annoying!. Who gives a rat's ass about friendship (FUCK) and love?. It makes me want to puke.

From your fangirl,

Shadow Cat.

P.S: Satan has competition.

XxX

Yes I agree with you, everyone else ARE complete losers…except Kaiba…he gave me a brand new computer. Which is nice, so now when Sephiroth is harassing me, I can walk away. He's taken to making my life miserable. And Anzu/Tea is a bitch. I don't think I've made it clear that I hate BOTH versions of her…God it's scary there are more than one version…ACK…That's just not right…Luckily Anzu/Tea is dead and floating in the bottom of the sea, hopefully being eaten apart by what ever will eat her…Not many carnivorous creatures would…I mean…she's ANZU!

Anyways, Friendship (SHIT) is gay, and not even the good kind.

There's…a good kind?

Well…no, but it's an expression…wait, what are YOU doing here?

Nothing! Just playing with the dog you named after me, yo.

Shut up and put Reno-chibi down! I didn't name him after YOU, you just HAPPEN to have the same name.

Riiiight, and you expect me to believe you?

Well…apparently not, but give me back my fucking puppy!

No, I think he's cute! I think I'll kidnap him!

RENO give me RENO back! …

HAHA! That sounded just too stupid man!

Yeah and when I clonk you in the head with a two by four you'll think it's funny.

Hey I have a little shield I think!

You sick bastard! You wouldn't use a puppy as a shield? Would you?

I'ma Turk dude…

BUT STILL! I don't care HOW evil you are! There are things that make you evil and just things that make you a plain sicko!

Fine I'll give him back if you let me play your PSP.

You're a conniving bastard…FINE, go play it, but you delete ANYTHING off it and you're DEAD!

Gotcha!

Poor Reno-chibi, he's a mean bastard isn't he? Anyways, sorry for that interruption my lovelies, I suppose I should go now, since I've already wasted time…

Oh, and yes, I think Satan needs to take lesson from the master himself!

…If you're thinking about Sephiroth I'm not your friend anymore…

Love,

GOD.

XxX

_Leo: Yes I managed to drag that on for a page and a half xD! Reno is from FFVII and he's such a wonderful jerk! His assholishness reminds me of myself sometimes…_


	58. Fan Letter FiftySeven

**Fan Letter Fifty-Seven**

…Eeeeehhhhh…..BLANK SPACE!

**From: The one known as me**

**To: Baku-chan**

**Subject: CHEESE**

HELLO BAKU-CHAN

I like CHEESE, do you like CHEESE? CHEESE is great don't you agree and CHEESE is also great as it rhymes with please, so you can go CHEESE please and it rhymes kehehe...

So any way I thinks that you oh wonderful Baku-chan should make CHEESE your official symbol when you do take over the world, also, also can I be a part of your fan girl army? Pretty please with CHEESE on top? (hehe rhymes) SQUEE CHEESE is great, all hail the wonderful and fantastic CHEESE... Actually no now this one can no longer tolerate the existence of the foul substance known as cheese...

DESTROY ALL CHEESE that is a good idea isn't it...

Oh well Bye Byes Baku-chan

PS can you tell Sephy-kun that his hair is cool and so prettyful just like Baku-chan's?

XxX

I do like cheese. So much in fact I wrote a poem dedicated to it! I call it my Ode to Cheese! And it goes as such:

Ode to Cheese

Cheese cheese.  
It's wonderful stuff.  
Yummy and great.  
I can't get enough!

Different flavors.  
Cheese Galore.  
I'd eat it all.  
I'm a cheese whore!

On sandwiches.  
From a can or even plain.  
I don't give a damn.  
It's CHEESE just the same!

Yes, cheese cheese.  
It's kick ass crap.  
It PWNS like god.  
And that's a rap!

Yeah…it's awesome ain't it?

You are possibly THE most pathetic creature I've ever met…

Oh Sephy don't be so mean to me! You're just angry because I have MAD rapper skillz.

You did NOT just attach a Z to the word skill, I know you didn't, and I will NOT look again so I can believe in my personal deception…

There you go talking cryptic again…

How is that CRYPTIC?

It just IS…You're Sephiroth…And for god's sake why are you ALWAYS around!

Hmm…I dunno, I have nothing better to do I suppose…

But you're SEPHIROTH! You're like the greatest psychotic freak ever!

I'm not a freak thank you…

You have WHITE HAIR!

Zomgwtfbbq! So do YOU!

You were in the Internet again today weren't you?

…Yes…

Hey Sephy, do you like cheese?

Cheese? Yeah…Especially Cheese Whiz…it's fun stuff…

I knew you were a freak deep down inside…

Shut up.

Bite me, you meanie. Besides that still doesn't explain WHY you having nothing better to do! You're possibly the only white haired male in existence with a bigger fan club than me!

Don't give me ammo to gloat my superiority to you. You might regret it…

Oh shit…that's right I'm taking to the master of monologues…

I dunno man, that one you did was pretty impressive.

Compliment from the master himself? Wow I feel like really freaking special…

Hey, don't you have a letter to answer?

Oh…yeah…Oh yeah I'm supposed to tell you your hair PWNS.

PWNS? Sweet.

…Dude are you wearing a Metallica shirt?

Yeah, why?

I dunno…it's weird…I expect you do be wearing leather and belts…

I'm not Yami, Bakura…

Hmmm…point. Anyways, I suppose I have to close this letter now…

Since we're not REALLY making much sense here since when DO we make sense?

Point again…Eh. (You know someone needs to send in a letter to Sephy, Bwaha, That would be SO PWNSOME.)

BAKURA!

What?

I am NOT going to be part of this!

You will if I say so!

That's it, I'm telling Leo to cut your Internet time.

You can't do THAT! ACK! COME BACK! Eh, gotta go loves! SEPPPHHYYY!

Hastily Signed,

GOD.

Xxx

_Leo: God I am uber pathetic to be able to make a shortish letter into such a long reply…when you guys finally start getting sick of this story, please tell me…(It will happen I know it will.)_


	59. Fan Letter FiftyEight

_Leo: Sorry about the lack of updating guys, ffnet was being a pain in the ass and wasn't letting me access my account...But all is good now! _

**Fan Letter Fifty Eight**

Woot! more brain hemorrhaging that continues to diverge my ability to come up with something GOOD to put here…

**From: hikari the darkness **

**To: Bakura the Spirit Thief**

**Subject: KITTY!**

Hello again O great one, I sadly am very stricken and in horror of what has happened earlier today. I being an ever so faithful fan had a shrine of you taking over half of my room and it was still growing until, my stupid mother fucking sister destroyed it and clamed that you where an ugly albino freak. So I promptly bitch smacked her and now I'm horror-struck over my lost progress. It was sad but I'll just make a bigger one, so now to the important non aghast part of the letter. Seeing as I complemented you in the last letter I wanted to obsess over the other less sexy people I drool over.

1. Seto, Omfgz! I think he is one of the lesser worshiped guys in yugioh, that makes me sad he so huggable and he knows how to make a purple trench coat look good O.o so if he is not there can you please call him and tell him he is smexy. (Ek, I was just grossed out I saw a pic of Seto and yami kissing ).

Xxx

Hmmm…I've had that happen once…I was totally building a Shrine to my favorite fictional character and then Marik had to come in a tear it all down…He was so cool too…Not known by 99 percent of people, but they can totally bite me. I obviously didn't kill Marik since there have been Marik sightings all over the place. I think Marik is multiplying…But I don't want to think of the horrors of that possibility. I mean It's bad enough we have one.

But if it matters you can make yourself feel better by microwaving a rat.

Dude…That's sick…Remember what ALMOST happened last time?

Oh hello Seto, not often you actually TALK to me these days…And I APOLOGIZED already! How was I supposed to know that it was Yuki? There wasn't a girl in sight so I naturally just figured he HADN'T morphed into a rodent!

Well COME ON! You shouldn't microwave a RAT! Dear GOD!

What? They make a pleasant exploding sound…

…You're just lucky his brother isn't poisonous…

Oh come on now…Aya wouldn't kill me, bite my ankle…maybe, but not KILL me….After all that would decrease our amount of memberships in the Evil White Haired Guys Co.

He's in that? Dude, he's not evil…

He's turns into a snake, the symbol of evil, while he's a tad bit of a fruitcake, he still counts!

You guys MUST be desperate for members…

We are NOT! …Oh by the way, this person from this letter totally thinks you're pwnsome…And she's right, you do make a purple trench coat acceptable…

It's BLUE!

LIES! …AND EW! She found a picture of you and Yami making out! EEEWWWWW!

While that is utterly disgusting and very UNLIKELY in ANY given situation, do you have to sound like a five-year-old saying 'girls are icky'?

Yes, something of that Caliber calls for it.

You're a spazz.

YES! That must mean I leveled up!

What?

Sorry lame video game reference.

HEY I resent THAT!

SHUT UP SEPHY! You're nit supposed to talk this time!

Uh, Bakura why isn't he allowed to talk again?

Because he talks every OTHER time…And you NEVER talk with us…

Oh. Feh, I have a LIFE.

Just so everyone gets the effect, I'm so totally sticking my tongue out at you.

Well at least you didn't put the asterisks in there and type your action…Like every BAD RPG…er I mean RP.

DAMN IT KAIBA QUIT INSULTING MY FANDOM!

SEPHIROTH BE QUIET! And why must you razz him Seto?

Because it's fun.

…Boy I think it's time to end this…Farewell good friend! And Kaiba indeed thanks you, even though he's too proud to say it openly and is actually holding up a card that I'm reading out so that it may be said.

Traitor….

Haw haw.

Signed,

GOD.

XxX

_Leo: Yuki is a Fruits Basket reference. He turns into a rat when he's hugged by a girl …for those of you who didn't know. _

_For those who haven't noticed when I get an email that makes it hard to make a relevant long reply, I add in these conversations between the characters so that I'm not left leaving you guys with lame chapters…granted this story is lame, but that's not the point._


	60. Fan Letter FiftyNine

**Fan Letter Fifty-Nine**

WAHHH! I have a gong!

**From: psychoticbakuralover**

**To: Bakura the spirit thief**

**Subject: thank-you!**

Hello again, My God Bakura! After the wonderful (and slightly disturbing)advice I received I had to e-mail back to thank-you. So, THANK-YOU SO MUCH! Sorry about the caps, but I thought it necessary. The advice you gave me worked perfectly! Although, I might have went a bit far with hanging our dog's dead body from the ceiling, but oh well, it worked! It didn't take 2 minutes after seeing my room for them to cave. Thank-you again!

But, unfortunately, I think I now have a bigger problem. Here it is. Yesterday, my younger brother went out and bought some cards, right? So, being the evil sister that I am, I decided to steal them and have a look see. You know, to see if there were any of your awesome cards in there. And do you know the first card I pulled out? SHINING FUCKING FRIENDSHIP!(FUCK!) Wait, do I have to say 'fuck' after friendship(FUCK!)even when I said it before? Anyway, I think it burnt the flesh on my fingers. They hurt. I knew this 'card from Hell' had to be burned! But when I tried to set in on fire, it didn't burn! It was like, fire resistant So, then I try to cut it, and it broke my damn scissors. By this time I was very pissed(and kinda scared)so, I threw it in the pond at the park. I then walked home, thinking it's gone, and guess what's waiting for me when I get there. The Shining Friendship(FUCK!)card! And on my shrine to YOU of all places. To be honest, it's scaring the shit outta me.

How do I get rid of it? Do you think Heero could shoot it or something? I can't have it in my house anymore! The way it's horribly cute, friendship(FUCK!)loving eyes keep staring at me. It's driving me crazy.

And, along with my horribly long letter(sorry for that), I have two questions!

1) How the hell did Heero get into the "Evil White Haired Guy Convention? I'm very curious.

2) If Heero suddenly did decide to try and take over the world, you would still win right? Cause you're God like that and all.

Your forever devoted worshipper and fan girl army member,

Calli

Xxx

Ooooh, nice addition with the dead body…but next time I suggest using your neighbor's dog, because it would be sad to see a family pet get dead…I love my puppy, I know it would be hard to kill him. Though I'm not always thinking that especially when he's pouncing on my face and chewing my ears apart. But yeah I'm happy that it was successful for you! I knew it would work. Some how it always does!

EEEW, you got the Shining FriendSHIT (I figured that way the word kinda cancels itself out) card! Augh, I know what you mean about that card NOT going away! I was attacked by one before too and I seriously think those things are zombies in a card form! It's not only evil in name and intention but a weak as shit addition to any losery deck! My suggestion? Perform an exorcism, make sure to seal the demon with in it and dig a VERY deep hole in the middle of the desert, or even better, the woods and place a little charm to hold in the evilness, that way it has to stay there forever, after a while the card does its nice biodegradable thing and alas you're home free and fully given reason to kick your brother's ass double times over.

As to HOW Heero got into the silver haired guys group, we're not all too sure, might be because Heero's invincible, after all his doctor told him he had 200 broken bones and lacerations and yet he escaped the hospital five minutes later by jumping out of a multistory building, opening his parachute late, crashing into the ground, thus breaking yet ANOTHER bone and yet walked away like nothing happened. So yeah…He's invincible, and we won't argue. Oh and he can speak binary…

Heh, if Heero decided to take over the world, I surely wouldn't fight him…PSHAW. That man can SPEAK to computers for fuck's sake! He's like the terminator only scrawny and very much Japanese. Most likely I'd help him, heh you can't go wrong when you're buddies with Heero Yuy!

And guess what? Yes, that's right for the first time in FOREVER I am FINALLY ALONE with my computer! JUST me! Well Leo's making cookies again, or trying to, in the kitchen but that doesn't count because her room is like half a house away. So I can finally have a rational reply…

It feels kinda empty…Waaaah…Those bastards are slowly infecting my life!

Solemnly Signed,

GOD.

Xxx

_Leo: God guys, I'm sorry it's taking so long to get to each of your letters, there were just so many more than I thought there would be! …Yeah…there are about….oh say 37 more already waiting for me…heh…yeah…Please be patient?_


	61. Fan Letter Sixty

**Fan Letter Sixty**

How could anyone hate me and SEPHY! HOW!

**From: Kal Zakath**

**To: Bakura the Spirit Thief.**

**Subject: ADVICE!**

Dear Bakura,

I am a loyal fan of yours and I would some advice on a matter of heresy. You see, a few of my schoolmates were discussing about our favorite bishounen, and when I said that Sephiroth and you were (the greatest) and my favorites, did you know what he did?

He laughed and said I had bad taste and that you and Sephiroth sucked donkey dick, as well as saying that Cloud, the Pharaoh and that friendship(fuck) bitch rule! Can you believe the NERVE of that guy?

At first I was tempted to march forward and do all of Tifa's Limit Breaks on him, but then I decided to consult you first before doing anything.

What should I do, Bakura? How should I deal with that heretic?

Yours desperately

Kal Zakath

P.S.: Aerith called, by the way; she said something about Sephiroth owing her a new White Materia.

Xxx

THEY SAID WHAT?

Dear god, Sephiroth, would you quit spazzing! This is my LETTER! Let ME at least scream that first!

But come on MAN! That's not right!

I know it's not so alas we must construct a means for pay back. Okay so what you do is you send us a list of their greatest fears, followed by their name and address and easiest access into their homes, and that's a start, I'm sure Sephiroth knows his share of inhumane tortures, as well as my own and I think we could easily destroy said heretics life and make them get on their knees before us and, do what Sephy? This is your quote man.

AND BEG FOR OUR FORGIVENESS!

Oh and if you wish to lay in a nice handful of smashes, have at it, but leave the remains to us if you'll please. We plan to place hexes on those assholes for speaking against the word of Sephykura-ism (yes we now have our own combined religion, and this time it's NOT sponsored by Geocities).

And Cloud can go die.

SEPH! We're morphing Cloud to be acceptable by our terms remember?

Oh yeah…Okay then the pharaoh can go die, I won't even mention the other one because I will not use the 'f' word.

Fuck?

No stupid, FRIENDSHIP! ….AAAACK! YOU BASTARD!

Heh, it works every time…So yeah my good friend allow US to take care of it for you! We'll leave at least enough of the guy for a funeral, unless Sephy goes pyro-crazy again…then you'll have to do with cremation.

Oh and tell Aerith to kiss MY ASS! She owes me fifteen bucks for losing that bet. SHE knows which bet I'm talking about!

I don't want to know…Augh…anyways thank you for telling us of this treachery! It shall be dealt with my friend! Sephy grab your baseball bat! We've got a heretic to torture!

Signed, Yours Truly,

Gods,

Bakura and Sephiroth.

(Yeah…Sephy gets to sign my letters now too…)

xxx

_Leo: Augh…I may have to start doubling up letters into single chapters, mainly because some of them are short…Sorry about not updating guys, and until I catch up I won't be taking nay more letters. Also if you sent a VERY short letter with nothing for me to really respond to then I might not...Because some people wrote some lovely long ones that i'm just itching to reply to because I know thatI will have a lot to say in return. I just don't want this story to get even MORE boringly repetetive that it already is. _


	62. Fan Letter SixtyOne

**Fan Letter Sixty-One**

You know…it's really nice when there's no one around to bother me...To bad it never stays this way…

**From: SakuraBlossomQuiet1.**

**To: Bakura the spirit thief.**

**Subject: NONE.**

Dear Bakura,

for the record, you don't know where I live. Also if Ryou looks like you then you and Ryou look like each other and thusly, you look like Ryou. Ha!

Signed,

-H

P.S. I'm laughing at you right now.

P.P.S. And eating ramen noodles.

P.P.P.S. You tell other people that their spelling sucks but really, "That's a whole TO letters extra, will it kill you?" I hae to tell you this, (oh wait, no I don't) but you used the wrong spelling of the word two. You wanted the number; 2 two, got it?

P.P.P.P.S yes I realize that I spelled "hate" without a t. It was a typo so sue me (but seriously, don't, as I have a grand total of 13 cents right now)

H

xxx

Dear Miss know it all,

Nice of you to point out my typo…AFTER I already told everyone I don't CARE! Is that how it is? I'm not allowed to make mistakes? Even though you do? Well that's a load of bull…At least I'm willing to actually spell out the number thirteen. And no you have no excuse for typing hate without a 'T' I don't forgive you. So there. Oh and you know you're supposed to capitalize the beginning of sentences right? And I don't NEED to sue you…I have more money than you can type letters on a single page. Not that I need, or USE money…

And when I refer spelling errors, usually it doesn't qualify under a COMMON typo…I mean you REALLY had to look for that one didn't you? God, if you inspected your own words like you do mine you might find all of YOUR mistakes too.

Anyways, I came BEFORE Ryou there for his resemblance is striking to ME, therefore Ryou looks like me, since I am the original source of 'the look'.

Now now, Bakura, be nice.

Oh shut up you damn Rogue.

I'm a priest, not a Rogue, silly thief!

STOP SMILING! And you're not a damn priest! You're a MONSTER! AN EVIL INCARNATE! A DEMON!

…Now that's just mean…

What ARE you doing here anyways? Aren't you supposed to be with the others today? Or did you pull the disappearing act again?

That, my friend, is a secret!

What the…. DAMN IT! Stop disappearing on me like THAT! …Augh…. Bastard just appears and disappears whenever he wants! And now my whole train of thought is blown…So yeah, you all can BITE ME! At least I don't use the letter 'u', as the word 'you' like SOME people do! Lazy mortals…

And WHAT is with the blatant disrespect of the P.S. end note! Oh my god! The P.S. feature is meant to be a reminder to a point made or something urgent! You wrote longer P.S. notes than your letter was! Augh…

Anyways, do enjoy your Ramen, because now I am laughing at you!

Signed,

GOD.

Oh and,

P.S. I got a Klondike Bar. Beat that!

XxX

_Leo: Okay I'm sifting through letters and I'm coming across a handful of them with THE most atrocious use of internet slang. I'm sorry but if you sent a letter that has an abundant use of misspelled words (u, ur, tho, b4, 2 (in place of to) and others) Then I may just pass over it. I'm sorry but it makes me TWITCH to respond to something that was written SO illiterately. I do realize that internet slang is 'the thing' or whatever, but not in MY world. I my make typos, but either they're intentional, or accidental, not a signal of my laziness to respect the English language. If I've offended someone then feel free to bitch at me. FFdotNet is a WRITING site. So I don't think I'm wrong. _

_Also, if your letter really has nothing more to say then what's already been said in previous chapters, then I may pass it by too…after all. I've got some REALLY great ones to get to, and I don't need repetitions in my way. Sorry for the lack of updating but I'm kinda discouraged because school is starting soon and I hate my new school…I'll keep posting regularly though!_


	63. Fan Letter SixtyTwo

**Fan Letter Sixty-Two**

Yay! I have drug addict fans too!

**From: evil bunny **

**To: Bakura the Spirit thief **

**Subject: NONE**

Dearest King Korma.

1. I wuv woo

2. I plan on castrating you with a spatula!

3. I think you would look pretty darn funny bald so I shall shave you

4. If you deny me these things I shall set Harry on you o.o you don't want

me to set Harry on you he is scary. Really how many creepy stalker six inch

tall invisible purple hippos do you know that can walk up walls and eat your

socks in one gulp.

5. If Harry is too busy I shall set Peat the fairy armadillo on ya and he

can eat your toenails and any small objects you leave lying around like your

sparkly pink dildo yes I know about that bwahahaha. Don't ask how. Also Peat

will eat all your pokemon stuff come to think of it so will Harry.

p.s I still think you are wonderful and fl00fly and I shall feed you m00fins

but I just could not resist doing my normal threats. Also ignore the King

Korma part o.o

XxX

Uhhh…is it me or does this person seem like they're high/stoned/and/or/all of the above? Dear friend, have you been getting into Cloud's crack stash?

I don't have a CRACK stash!

You LIAR!

It's Marijuana!

Oh yes that makes it SO much better! Well at least we know why he acts like THAT then…

What's THAT supposed to mean?

Anyways. One, what DOES Wuv woo mean? That sounds like a kinky entry in the Kama Sutra… One which I really don't wanna take part of…Two, I'm DEAD if you can castrate a semi-corporeal form then more power to you, but the odds of that being successful with a SPATULA are zero to none. Three, you can't shave a dead guy's hair, so again if you think you can, go ahead and try. But you'll get destroyed by a lot of raving mad fan girls. I promise it. And I won't protect you from them. Four AND Five, I'm sorry dear but hallucinations also can't attack or harm me…Though when you come out of your haze and finally break your hallucinogen habit I'm sure you'll see this all very clearly.

And if those are your NORMAL threats then I urge you get new, more effective ones dear…you sound like you're a drug addict…In other words you and Cloud would probably get along pretty well.

HEY!

What? Oh come on man…You got Yazoo STONED for god's sake! Though I still question how you got out of that whorehouse…

Don't ask, man, don't ask.

Oh and dear Crazy person, the only Dildo I have around here is about 6'2, with silver hair, green eyes, plated armor and an attitude from hell.

You're talking about Sephiroth aren't you?

Yes.

Oh, just don't let him hear you calling him a dildo.

If you'll shut up my chances of not getting caught will be better. Anyways, I've many more pressing manners to attend to, so I, er, WE shall depart!

Signed,

GOD.

And Cloud too…. because he and his damn fandom are taking over.

XxX

_Leo: Okay the Yazoo stoned/whorehouse thing will probably be only understood by those who've seen my FFVII comic on DeviantArt, but otherwise don't worry about it._


	64. Fan Letter SixtyThree

**Fan Letter Sixty-Three **

Mwahahahah Sephy got a letter Sephy got a letter!

**From: Dark Darianna Minamino **

**To: the awesome Sephiroth! **

**Subject: hi!**

Dear Sephiroth,

I'm just replying to Bakura in letter 58 or whatever it was when he said someone needed to write to you. So I'm doing just that! Yeah...I'm typing this while eating a peanut butter waffle toped with powdered sugar. Which isn't as bad as it actually probably sounds. IT also has about half the syrup bottle dumped over it so I'm probably gonna have a monstrous sugar rush sometime soon. hopefully for your sakes.(because I know multiple people will be reading this and I know how big of a tight ass Bakura is about grammar. the "sakes" was on purpose) I think I figured out what we need to do so that you only destroy the one house that you're after and not blow up four or five others. Or have you already gotten that little problem fixed? Bakura hasn't mentioned it in quite a while...Oh well. Have you considered getting other friends besides the goofballs you hang out with? They may be a bad influence on you ONLY WHILE you're trying to get your anger under control. Trust me on this. I had extreme anger problems when I was with my old friends. I stopped hanging out with them and I was able to get my anger under control. Then again, they were the reason I was always pissed, so maybe it's just me. Maybe you can try it. I'll be your friend if you want. Although, you're probably thinking that I'm just some stupid fan girl trying to get lucky. I really don't care if you want to hang out with me and my crazy people or not. Then again, you may not want to. None of them will have heard of you and we're a bunch of band geeks and Yu-Gi-Oh! dueling freaks. Then again, my deck kicks ass. I wish I could've gone to Duelist Kingdom. I would've kicked their asses. Oh well. Damn. My sugar is starting to kick in. I'd better say goodbye. BUH BYE!

Signed,

The NOT Crazy fan girl for all anime,

Dark Darianna Minamino

P.S. It's true. I'm not a Crazy fan girl. I love anime, and you guys, but I weirdly don't over obsess to the point where it's creepy. I know, I'm a freak. I'm used to it by now. Write at ya later!

Xxx

Ha ha ha ha! Oh SEPHIROTH!

WHAT Bakura? And why do you look…pleased? That's never a good thing…

Guess what buddy? Someone sent you a LETTER!

…You've got to be kidding? NO! I am NOT participating in your little game Bakura!

Oh come on! Some one actually TOOK their time to EMAIL you! You should be so kind as to REPLY!

But this is YOUR fan mail thing! Not mine!

Well maybe you should start one…

NO! I WILL NOT. EVER. And if you shut up I will reply to this one and ONLY this one!

Very well, have the floor Seph! And don't kill the innocents! Or I'll be forced to vanquish you.

STOP WATCHING CHARMED! Okay fine, Let me just get this over with.

Dear person with long Japanese-ish sounding name… powdered sugar on peanut butter? Oh…well yuck…But I speak for myself alone on that…Anyways…wait…AND SYRUP? That sounds like a glucose overload waiting to happen. Actually that remind me of a dare I once took to eat a sandwich composed of every condiment known to man, including sugar, syrup, peanut butter, jelly, and marshmallow cream…Put it this way, I go into a coma when ever I eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Sadly, I think my anger problem is a natural inbred thing. Because I've tried my damnedest to get away from these morons. After all I'm the strongest most pwnsome creature ever to exist, why do I need 'buddies' (Yes I refuse to say the F word, and you people know I'm not talking about 'fuck' because I'm not falling for that "what F word, fuck?" "No not THAT F word! The word: insert evil word here." I've learned from Bakura's mistakes!)

Though I think I'm getting the hang of this, one house kill thing…I've only slipped up and burned and entire block twice in the last week. As opposed to what it was a few months ago, being twice every twenty minutes.

You get used to being around a bunch of psychos…and really dear, if I can handle Bakura…I think I can most certainly handle a bunch of band/YuGiOh freaks. After all I deal with the worst of them everyday. Granted I only deal with Leo-baka because she gives me animal crackers and Kadaj still thinks she's his mother, but she's bad enough…(Pssst, don't talk to her, she's a very pathetic human).

You people and your cards…I don't get the basis of it…For what it's worth I could punch your lights out and call it a duel won…After all if I place your hand over the deck AFTER I knock you unconscious then you've just committed the surrender act. Meaning I would have won, so in essence I could play you with a deck of Uno cards and win…

Perhaps you should in detail explain this "not obsessing" concept to Leo, which might be beneficial to all of us awesome guys she obsesses over (coughfictitiouscharacterscough). Sadly you get accustomed to being obsessed over. But at least I'm not poor Yazoo, who has been officially CLAIMED by Leo…Poor thing…

Anyways I think I've replied adequately… So I'll take my leave and prepare a spectacular murder setting for Bakura…Bakura's going to get that present I was supposed to give to Cloud…That's right bastard, you're going to get a healthy dose of MISERY!

Dude, you won't kill me….right?

You just wait…Heheheheheeheheh….

Stop it man you're freaking me out. Anyways, since this was Sephy's letter he gets to sign it! Haw haw! And I finally get to take a break and enjoy my Blue Ice Slushy.

Loser…Well fine I'll sign the blasted thing too,

Signed,

Sefirosu-sama.

DUDE, what the hell?

It's my Japanese character name, but because I can't figure out how to make the lovely little characters I spelled it romanji style. So kiss my ass.

Gah…You get to be more of an asshole every day man…

XxX

_Leo: Any anime character you guys want to see me add in here? Try to keep them mainstream please, some of these really obscure ones I may not know (reads back of a TOKYOPOP manga) like for instance: Shirahime-Syo: Snow Goddess Tales…What the hell IS that? Ai Yori Aoshi? …Have I read that? I don't remember…but either way if you want to see a character make an appearance, I think I've a good enough grasp on general anime/manga to make that happen! If not then I'll briefly google it to make sure :D_


	65. Fan Letter SixtyFour

**Fan Letter Sixty-Four**

Hmm…You know…I really do have a hard time figuring out what to stick up here…I'd dance but that might invoke a fan girl stampede…

**From: PhantomNeko **

**To: Bakura the spirit thief**

**Subject: much needed thanx**

To the awesome, sexeh, hot, ruler of the whole freaking WORLD Bakura!

Hey! I really have to thank you almighty Bakura-sama! I've been a fan for 6 freakin' years! XD AND FUCKIN' PROUD OF IT! (but believe me, it was ANNOYING to have odd stares from your friends when you're eight and telling people you're in love with a 30+ year old psycotic/blood loving evil dark thief.) BUT to the point of this oh-so needed thank you letter:

1- Thanks to you I've realized my favorite food is steak

2- I've gone from being a goody-goody white-wearing girl to a dangerously psycotic goth person

3- I have an odd fa..(wait a sec... pulls out dictionary i dun like getting chewed out) fascination with knives, chains, and other dangerously sharp objects!

4- I'm not spineless anymore (yes... i... sadly was VERY spineless... more then Ryou if you can believe it..)

5- I use spell check more often ('corse, I'm not very bad at spelling but I DO have my moments)

6- I have a small... SMALL liking for Seto... VERY small like an ant... or a flea... no... bigger then a flea...

Those are my thank yous! Now all my friends can tell when I'm on a Bakura-craze then they run (don't worry I'm not a latch-to-your-leg-sell-your-used-tissue-on-eBay type fangirl, they scare the shit outta me)

Your ever-faithful Bakura-worshiper

Phantomneko-chan!

P.S: Tell Yami Marik he has a psycotic space in my heart next to you!

P.S.S: just to make sure I've said it: you're hot, sexy, evil, awesome, the freakin' sexy devil himself, almighty, and better then Atem!

Bai-bai!

Love U!

XxX

Dear PN, yeah I got lazy with the typing the whole thing out…You know me…always being lazy…

You got that right…

Shut up Yami or I put You BACK into the basement.

Man you're cruel…someone should get you on abuse…

Yeah that's right asshole, walk away! Anyways…But of course I will one day be the ruler of the world…(when Sephiroth keels over that is…which since he doesn't seem to want to STAY dead that won't be for a while…)

1: Steak is good. Yes it is, but you should try some other yummy foods! For instance Leo-baka has introduced me to the wonders of! STEAK FINGERS! Like chicken fingers, only made with Steak….stuff! And totally microwavable and great this barbecue sause, and surprisingly honey mustard…And then fish is pretty good too…but watch out certain fish, like Catfish, may still have bones!

2: While I'm not usually one to approve of labeling I suppose goth is better than good goody two shoes…Though if you want tips on gothing yourself crazy (psychotic to the max I mean) then go talk to Leo's girlfriend…she keeps nagging about turning Ryou into a stiletto wearing worshipper of black mesh and spikes…

3: Knives, chains, and other dangerously sharp objects are great but you should try whips, and handcuf- oh wait…we're not talking about sex are we? Just kidding! Or was I?

4: Don't worry we all go through a spineless stage (except me of course) because… (addition to previous parenthesized note: except Sephiroth too, yes I had to write that with a Masamune at my throat). But ANYWAYS, yeah spineless happens to MOST, some don't get over it quickly though, take Leo for example! She used to be a weakling, very pathetic in fact, cried a lot to and was a wussy beyond compari-OW! Goddamn stop throwing things at me I wasn't finished! Okay, BEFORE I WAS INTERRUPTED BY PSYCHOTIC VILLIANS AND STUPID EDITORS, she is no longer spineless either! It's a phase! So for those of your STILL spineless, don't worry about it…(After all Leo went from a sniveling pansy to a complete bitch, including fists, OW…mmmm…fucking flying shoe.)

5: Spell check is god, in MOST circumstances…Leo still does not know the concept of WORD. She still uses the primitive NOTEPAD. I mean GAWD. NO wonder there are so many MISTAKES!

Bakura, you're one to talk, you make more mistakes then most people would probably like to know…You just read back over it…

Damn it Yami SHUT UP. And at least I DO read over it! So give me some fecking credit man! …And GO TO HELL WHILE YOU'RE AT IT!

6: Oh Seto is a pwnsome guy! I mean aside from me he's probably the best guy ever! ….(except for Sephiroth, who insists upon being at the top of very possible list of number ones.) Seto doesn't get enough positive credit for his misdeeds! (Additions to parenthesized statement: Every POSITIVE number one list…Sephiroth informs me that he does NOT want to be on the top of the sexiest clearly gay bishounen chart.) Seto is an ASS hole and you HAVE to love it! So if you're not a fan of Kaiba I suggest you try it! Hell I'd bone him if I were a chick…But I'm not so let's not go there…

Bakura, just what is your sexual preference?

Yami you know that I wouldn't answer a question from you.

Konami won't let you say huh?

Yeah…pretty much…And don't you worry dear, when I manage to track Marik down from where ever he ran off to I'll be sure to tell him…God he's gets around more than a whore on a backwoods street in New York…And thank GOD you wouldn't sell my used tissues on Ebay…that's disgusting…I still have yet to retrieve my left sock…apparently I have to compete in a bid that already reached 9 million if I want it back…ain't that the shit? Let's pray Leo has a deep wallet.

And I think that the pharaoh already knows I'm better than him! Hah! IN your face Pharaoh!

Oh shut up Bakura, I'm going to laugh when you choke while trying to cackles maliciously.

Man, I hope your hair EATS you.

The fuck?

Well then my friend I'm glad I could be of service to you in some way! OH and just for your general knowledge dear remember that psychotic has an H in it! (That was a bitch word for me to master as well…)

Signed with somewhat love,

GOD.

XxX

_Leo: I apologize for not updating this for a while, but school is going to make it harder for me to find time, however I was also taking a temporary break from this but it's all good now and I'm ready to go!_


	66. Fan Letter SixtyFive

**Fan Letter Sixty-Five**

I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts deedely dee…

**FROM: Goblin-Queen-of-the-Opera**

**TO: Bakura the psycho-power gamer**

**SUBJECT: I Love you but love to torture you more**

Hello Bakura-baka,

I am in a particularly evil mood so I will tell you I am thinking of writing a story...BWAAHAAHAAHAA. I will ether put you with anzu or myself if you don't comply to my wishes.

1)Send me one free plushy of your self or Ryou.

2)When you take over the world I call first dibs on ruling over Canada(they have cleaner air) or Britain(it sounds like an awsome place to rule over, the Queen did it for a long time).

3)I comand you to sing a Phantom of the Opera song on a vidio tape.

You have 96 hours or 4 days to comply or I will write said story and I am leaning twords the Anzu-Bakura paring

Your loyal servant

G.Q.O.

Goblin-Queen-of-the-Opera

XxX

Augh? How many times do I have to be threatened with this? I will not comply with wishes when I'm the oh-so-smert one to find the loophole! After all if I REFUSE to look at it then how can I really curl in disgust? After all If I'm going to kill every mentally ill person who likes the Me x Anzu pairings then I'd better get started RIGHT now…But see I could just let the tiny void of their mind destroy them for me, and thus meaning I don't have to worry about it as long as I make sure to never gaze upon the sacrilegious works myself! Besides, you didn't capitalize a proper name, so her presence was voided! Tsk tsk!

How about Leo? Can I send ya Leo? Just for shits and giggles? And sorry Canada is taken already, apparently Malik has a Moose fetish…I won't ask and you won't inquire. And how can I sing Phantom of the Opera if I've never heard/seen it? I mean seriously…Besides you misspelled video too. Tsk tsk.

What's the point in stating both hours AND days when they mean the same basic time span? That sounds a little absurd to me…After all I plan on not complying on anything of the sort for at least 345600 seconds…

And how can you call yourself a loyal servant when you make demands of me like such? How cruel! I would commend you for it but my fingers don't bend backwards and pigs have yet to proud wings.

Well unless my next threatening letter! I bit you Adieu!

Yours not so truly,

GOD!

XxX

_Leo: My mother has taken away my computer...and thus my fanfiction updates are currently on haitus...I am so sorry guys! If you want more info on it, I'm writing it up on my profile..._


	67. Fan Letter SixtySix

**Fan Letter 66**

How many more people will ask me to marry them? I think I should make a tally chart…

**From: Krystalfire680.**

**To: Bakura the spirit thief. **

**Subject: I have solved amny of your aforementioned problems.**

Dear Bakura, King of Thieves, Future and rightful ruler of the world, my favorite psychotic maniac, and totally sexy Ruler of all things awsome,

DON'T GIVE ME THIS CRAP ABOUT FEELING SORRY FOR ALL YOUR OTHER FANGIRLS, AND WORRYING THAT THEY'LL KILL ME! I'LL KILL THEM FIRST! MARRY ME! I HAVE MANY WAYS OF COMMITTING MASS MURDER! MANY!

Anyway, I have a few questions:

1. When you take over the world, can I be your second in command if I can't be your Queen? I assure you, I'm just as insane as you.

2. Can i join your Committe or Company for insane thieves you were talking about? I steal stuff. A lot. And i never get caught. I frame people. Meheheheh...

3. Tell Seto to give me one of his penguins. He has enough penguines. I mean, he gave you a friggin damn KOALA in your first rant thing, why can't I get a friggin damn penguine?

4. I'm having an Anzu problem. Her immortal soul keeps haunting me, asking me to be her DAMN FRIEND! I HATE HER! MAKE IT STOP! PLEASE!

5. I'm sorry for locking you in my closet last month, I was trying to make a living shrine to you. I'm better now. At least i fed you more than fruit roll-ups, like that other person did to Yami.

6. I'll be your editor. I know all about grammar and spelling and crap. Honors English does things to you.

Anyway, I know pscho country girl from quizilla. Quizilla rocks. And, I know why Yami and Yugi's hair always regenerates. THEY ARE VAMPIRES! VAMPIRE HAIR DOES THAT! RUN, BAKURA, RUN! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

Yours Forever,

KF-san

XxX

OMG! The spelling errors! Okay Bakura…you're on strike refrain from saying anything….But the errors! DON'T BAKURA…BUT I CAN'T! CHANGE THE SUBJECT BEFORE YOU LOSE IT MAN! I'VE ALREADY LOST IT! GAAAAAH!

Okay, moving on, I will say it ONE more time…I will marry NO ONE. And you can't take on all of my fan girls at once…I don't care how powerful you think you may be, but I guarantee if Sephiroth can't kill them all (which we've proven through high class and overly exaggerated mathematical formulas) then I KNOW you can't kill them all and they will rip you to tiny shreds…Besides…I'm a PSYCHO. I wouldn't fall for you mortal's crap ideas of LOVE. EW. That word makes me wanna brush my teeth…I will answer questions though!

1: Sorry you may NOT be my queen, and no I can't give away the second in command positions. That is reserved for Sephiroth…(who am I kidding I'll end up HIS second in command…man this sucks…)

2: Yes you may join the committee but I don't advise going in with that I can't be caught attitude, because it's going to break your poor soul when you find out that half of the entrance exam deals with you getting caught on purpose just to see how you break out of jail…After all if you can't escape then you don't belong in our clan!

3: Seto says, and this is in his words: "You can't have a penguin because you spelled penguin wrong twice..." You see I got my obsessive spell checking thought process from watching Seto type 600 words per minute for ten hours straight…he's anal about his grammar you know!

4: Oh that's not Anzu's soul…that's her obsessed fanatic fan-cosplayer's soul…Anzu's soul has been banish for eternity.

5: Uh…. I wasn't in a closet? Oh you must have captured my look alike! Apparently he thinks it's funny to impersonate me…that bastard…Sadly I know him…he's one of Leo's obsessed friends…

6: English honors doesn't really mean crap…honestly…Leo has had honors English for FOUR years and look what it did for her! NOTHING! Nada! She STILL sucks as a typist…

Yami and Yugi are not vampires…vampires are cool…which they are not…they're just freaks of nature…I kinda feel sorry for their respective mothers…I mean let's pray for their sakes that those two weren't BORN with hair like that…other wise…Oh let's not EVEN go there….

Anyways, due to my over stuffed inbox and my recent fight with my computer, I have much to do, thus forth I part with thee!

Truly not yours,

GOD.

XxX

_Leo: Egad, I apologize for the updating of NOTHING for the last week plus…my mother took away my computer…So Yes, I have a LOT to catch up on….Those of you watching out for my other stories too be expecting an update with them from anywhere to 3 days to a week!_


	68. Fan Letter SixtySeven

**Fan Letter Sixty-Seven**

Draws a blank….shuffled cards…draws another blank….FUCK.

**From: Morbid Slinky**

**To: The King of Thieves (among other things)**

**Subject: None**

I finally decided to send you something. Don't ask about the slinky thing (or do, I really don't care). I would like you to know that I am a fan who both does not want to marry you (or touch you for that matter) nor am I stalking you. Your hikari is a different story entirely.

I have a few questions, which I will now list in ... list form. Aha.

1. I'm currently studying hieroglyphs/hieroglyphics and Egyptology and who better to ask than an actual Egyptian person? On the side I'm also looking into alchemy. Alchemy supposedly has it's origins in Egypt, so I was wondering, in your quest for revenge against the Pharaoh, did you consider using anything like alchemy, or was it plain ol' dark arts (and isn't that a thin line?) and stabbing people all the way?

2. Come to think of it, how did Marik carve 'Jesus Eats Babies' into your thigh using hieroglyphs? Doesn't it get messed up translating it from English?

3. This may be a question more for your hikari because he knows him better, but, how the HELL did Katsuya- a person born and raised in Japan- obtain a Brooklyn accent? Like, Ryou, didn't they come up with some crack story that he came from Britain and transferred over in the dub...? I don't know. It's so confusing..

4. Okay, this is getting awful long, so one last question: Can you PLEEEAAASE get Kaiba to tell me where he buys his trench coats?

You and Kaiba (and Marik if he would chill for a second and stop getting himself mailed around the globe) kick ass. I salute thee, Lord and Master!

- Lovingly, Another fan girl named Jen who refuses to spell it with two 'n's 'cause everyone has this name.

P.S. I'm also free this month to be a minion, just give me a call.

Xxx

Finally someone who isn't obsessed with the idea of dragging me off to be hitched…I think I love you! (Not in THAT way, but you know what I mean).

To answer your questions:

1: Alchemy did indeed have a start in Egypt, though it is questionable as to the true origins, for there have been reports showing evidence of Alchemical studies originating in Saudi Arabia and lower parts of Africa. Alchemy and dark arts were never really thought of as being in the same field…after all Alchemy is simply science at work, while Black Magic is more or less a practice of the occult. Alchemy is basically a tool jewelry makers used to use in hopes of turning common metals into gold and silvers. Something like that wouldn't have been very useful in my revenge plot…

2: Well you see the phrase "Jesus eats Babies" is simply the English version of what's on my leg…It was originally written in Egyptian Coptic, then I translated it into your English terms so it would be easier for you to understand.

3: How on earth they managed to make Ryou a British exchange student in the English dub I have no idea…My hikari is very MUCH Japanese…I mean LOOK at that name! I think Jounouchi was trying to be a street thug so he faked a tough guy accent, which the Brooklyn accent being on a 'tough' guy is very stereotypical…sometimes people can be very assumptious.

4: Seto said that he buys his trench coats from some place in Germany…why? I don't know but he says they're custom made…I think he even goes to pick them up himself…Suddenly I feel very privileged that he gave me his old jacket.

Some how I doubt Marik will stop spazzing around the world (god he's getting as spazzy as Kadaj)…But we can hope right? I think he's doing it in an attempt to get attention, or possible he's trying to get me to give in to the fact that he CAN take up living quarters with any random person he wants…He's such a bum. And I don't see him nearly as much as before, but I should probably be thanking my lucky star on that fact because Marik tends to destroy my things….

And Kaiba offers you a penguin for being the first not to morbidly obsess and/or beg for something…He says he approves of you. Which is rare, though I think that could be the anesthesia…let's hope it doesn't wear off soon, because he gives people things, including me, when he's a little drugged. He said something about an orthodontist… If you ask me that sounds like a Satanistic term…but then again leave it to me to take things out of context.

Anyways, I think I'm done ranting off about nothing I suppose I'm just at a loss for how to close this letter….or maybe I'm not used to being ALONE and I don't want it to end…Ah…At least I'll be able to look back and remember how nice it WAS.

So, Jen without two 'n's! I'll depart!

Signed with appreciation,

GOD!

Xxx

_Leo: Oh my god, I'm sorry I've not updated but the reason is simply inability to get to the internet…I hope it doesn't stay this way because this is killing my writing motivation but I'll keep you guys posted one way or another of the whereabouts of teh Leo! PLEASE refer to my profile for any changes! I Do update the damned thing xD!_


	69. Fan Letter SixtyEight

**Fan Letter Sixty-Eight**

Reading these letters makes me even more arrogant than before…It's AWESOME!

**From: Strawberry Cake.**

**To: Bakura the spirit thief.**

**Subject: None.**

Dear Almighty Dark Lord And Ruler Of The Universe,

I have only four words to say to you: You.are.my.god. You should have your own religion where thousands of people worship you. Every time I see you or hear you talk, it drives me absolutely crazy. And, it's such a dark voice.

A soft, sexy evil whisper with malice laced around, silent as poison but deadly as a knife. And, I completely agree with you on the pocket-knife issue. You can't rip a heart out with that.

Oh, and don't feel embarrassed about not trusting toasters. I don't trust them either, they attacked me once.

I have a few questions for you.

1. Do you like the song Highway To Hell?.

2. Don't you just HATE being paired up with Shizuka?.

3. What do you think about people pairing you with Kisara?.

4. If you were stuck on a desert island, what would you bring?.

5. Are you a good singer?.

Oh, and one more thing; Yami sucks balls.

Sincerely,

Your Secret Admirer.

Xxx

Dude, I know! You cannot kill someone with a pocketknife in under a minute! Not possible! I think the person who said that didn't know what they were talking about! Kudos to you for agreeing with me!

Also,

"A soft, sexy evil whisper with malice laced around, silent as poison but deadly as a knife."

You have very descriptive writing! You could be a poet! (You should so make a poem out of that! I mean gawd, Leo gets away with writing crap like that and people don't kill her…You should use that to your advantage!)

And I still think to this day that toasters are the devil…End of freaking story…I'll never trust them and they can all go to the fecking shadow realm for all I care.

Bakura, you're only mad because it didn't work, but YOU forgot to plug it in…

It burnt my toast when I did!…MARIK? You're actually in the vicinity!

Yeah dude, you wouldn't believe how pretty China is.

…Dear lord I think I'm having a heart attack…Marik actually returned…Just damn it man, stay right there and I'll attend to you when I'm done with this letter.

Hm…okay!

Anyways, on to the questions dear friend!

1: "Highway to Hell", hmm yeah I suppose I do like that song. ACDC isn't too bad though I think I much prefer "Who made Who" and "You shook me all night long". Heh, I totally stole Leo's ACDC shirt.

2. Shizuka is a dip shit who actually believes her brother ISN'T stupid…What is WRONG with that girl? I mean holy SHIT man…What makes people think there would even be a chance? WHY do I turn into mushy "I love you" Kinda guys in EVERYONE'S Fic? I don't care WHAT you people think! I'm evil and wicked and I will never be anything other than sadistic! (Not to mention VERY dominant, so STOP pairing me with Marik! It would be impossible! It could never happen! So stop it!)

3: Kisara? Hmm…at least she's not a dumbass like Shizuka, and not a friendship spewing bitch like…well you know who I'm talking about. I think she has more of a chance than the remaining…Well…maybe Isis has a shot. She's kinda psychotic in her own brother obsessing way. But on a general level at least Kisara and I would match! White hair? That'd be kinda cool…But she was aimed at Priest Seto anyways…She too pure hearted to mingle with the likes of the superiorly evil me.

4: Stuck alone on a desert island…Hmmm…probably a hammer and some nails, maybe a saw? After all you couldn't imagine how hard it would be to build a house without tools…or maybe I could build a boat…But on a more "I must have, material POSSESSION" Level, I would probably bring a solar powered radio…After all it would be just too quiet, and with no electricity…I couldn't have much else.

5: Am I a good singer? Hmm…I don't know really, I don't listen to myself sing, actually I try not to sing when I can. For fear of people trying to pass me off as some kinda punk/emo singer…there's no way I would ever submit to emo music…I think Classic and Heavy metal are the way to go, hoooorah!

Are you done Bakura?

Yes Marik I'm finished…

Awesome! Because I have to show you the frozen human hand I found in Siberia!

…Dude…that is sick…

Oh, no, it's really cool!

…Okay Secret admirer…I have to go now…(yes Yami does suck balls), Marik is requiring I go see his human hand now…Enjoy your freedom from idiocy!

Love

God.

XxX

_Leo: I keep reminding myself that I have like a crap load of these left…(I cannot believe this fic got so many reviews…This is complete SHIT) Anyways. I'm trying to keep everything moving…But mothers can be very evil…Sephiroth can tell you that._


	70. Fan Letter SixtyNine

**Fan Letter Sixty-Nine**

Ha Ha! Perverted number!

**From: Higure 'Duskmon' Kimura.**

**To: Bakura the Spirit Thief.**

**Subject: None**

Dear Bakura:

I'm one of your countless loyal supporters in this world. I just happened to read the letters you received here, and I decided to write one. And guess what, I'm presently using a voice-typer, like you! Awesome, huh?

I totally agree on your view of friendship(fuck). I mean, it's nothing more than an ideal created by people without a life. I mean, I'm a complete loner, and I'm still alive.

Anyways, a few questions:

1) Is Riku from Kingdom Hearts part of your silver-haired men club? If not, do you think he's a suitable candidate?

2) Which is your favorite South Park character?

3) What is your opinion on Sauron?

4) Who do you think is hotter, Aerith or Tifa?

That's about it. Oh, and please tell Cloud and Sephiroth for me that they're AWESOMENESS incarnate!

WHAT? CLOUD'S ON? GIMME THAT GADGET!

Zack? How the hell did you get in here?

Through the door. Now then... CLOUD, YOU UNGRATEFUL MOTHERFUCKING SON OF A BITCH! You steal my girlfriend and my Buster Sword, then you proceed to STEAL MY IDENTITY AND TAKE CREDIT FOR MY ADVENTURES! I SAVE YOUR BUTT AND THIS IS THE THANKS I GET?

ZACK! GET OUTTA MY ROOM!

What's going on in here?

Aerith! Good timing! This moron here is intruding on my privacy! And did I mention he was badmouthing Cloud?

WHAT? THAT'S IT, YOU'RE COMING WITH ME, ZACK!

ACK! AERITH, LEGGO MY EAR! OOW!

Well, now that THAT'S over with, have a nice day, and good luck on your plan of World Domination.

Your supporter,

Higure 'Duskmon' Kimura.

XxX

You have a voice typer too? Like AWESOME! We're like part of some very small voice typer club! Kick ASS yo!

Dude, you sound like Reno.

Shut up you blonde headed emo boy.

I am NOT emo!

Oh shut up Cloud you know you are…Oh and friendship sucks! I mean I'm personally content with my 'hate-hate, mortal-enemy yet I tolerate them' relationships! After all these people are 'buddies' not friends…Friends, you actually care about…Buddy is a term you use when you don't want to tell them they're just assholes you hang around with! (SHIT x (3) to make up for the use of the f-word).

To answer you questions!

1: Yeah Riku is part of our organization, but he's usually in a coma due to obsessive fan attacks and yaoi fanatics trying to make him get raped by everyone that can qualify as a man. He and Kadaj do not get along very well though…They're both kinda spazzish when they're in the same room. And if you take a moment to comb their hair and put sunglasses on them you really can't tell them apart…Kinda scary really. He bit Yazoo's ankle last week…

2: Favorite South Park character…Probably Kenny…Because he just dies ALL the freaking time! Yet some how manages to come back every time! I'm telling you that kid is immortal and he represents, man! Besides…he's just cute in a "I'm a stupid ass little fucking forth grader" kinda way! (Granted I have no idea what grade they really are in but that was just an example.)

3: Sauron? …Why do I have a feeling I should know that one…Hey Cloud isn't Sauron from Kingdom Hearts?

…I dunno…

What? Damn you SHOULD you were there!

I was NOT! The Cloud from KINGDOM HEARTS was! Not me! We're totally separate people!

You mean there are two of you? …AND Sephiroth? Shit man…That's gay…

4: Aerith or Tifa? Oooh…hard one, but I think I have to give the gold metal to Aerith…She was better proportioned and more girlishly beautiful in a non "I'm a slut" way nor an 'I'm a tomboy' way. And her chest was normal. (And gorgeous in Advent Children!) Zack you lucky bastard! Though, am I the only one who noticed that she acted more like a mother to Cloud?

Shut up man…

What? You're just mad because you didn't hit that!

BAKURA!

What?

He's right Strife, you're a pansy.

Sephiroth? Nice to see you've decided to show up at random like you always do. And quit eating all my animal crackers!

Oh shut up Bakura, I have supreme power over you, remember?

…Yeah…

Is that ZACK yelling at Strife in this letter?

Yes it is!

Wow…he's pissed at you…But he's right, you kinda did steal his identity…and his sword…and he did get SHOT saving your puny ass…kinda sad really…Took a bullet for you…Almost has a sappy, "I'm gay for you Cloud" kinda feel to it…

SHUT UP, Momma's BOY!

You DID NOT!

Eeep, No you're right I didn't!

Good boy. Don't make force you to pierce your nipples or something painful like that…

You're a sadist you know that…

As a matter of fact-

OKAY, you two! Knock that off! You sound so FREAKING GAY right now, any STRAIGHT people reading this are probably having spasms!

Acting Gay? Were we really?

Yes Seph, you were!

Well that's unfortunate…

Ugh, I think it's time we turned this things off now…Tell Zack I send him my condolences…but tell him he should be grateful he's not stuck with THESE dip shits!

Signed,

God.

XxX

_Leo: This was a fun letter for sure! To the one who wrote it, uber glomp from Sephy, to you…Bakura said he was too busy sulking…But I'll be sure to make him give you one when he's done!_


	71. Fan Letter Seventy

**Fan Letter Seventy**

Hmmm…You know I still question why I haven't lost my sanity to the point of no return…what with being stuck with Sephiroth all day….

Shut up man.

DUDE! You can't invade my before-word! This is unjustified!

**From: Duskmon Kimura**

**To: Bakura the spirit thief**

**Subject: Reply**

Dear Bakura,

I gave your message to Zack; he is somewhat grateful that he's not in your position. Did you know that Aerith forced him to spend the night on the sofa due to that incident?

Dude, shut UP!

What? You deserved it!

Why I oughta...

ZACK! LEAVE HIGURE ALONE OR ELSE IT'S BOILED DOG-FOOD FOR YOUR DINNER TONIGHT!

Yes dear...

HA HA! Henpecked! Anyways, just so you know, Sauron is the Dark Lord from Lord of the Rings. And I reluctantly admit, his evilness is on a par with yours.

And have you ever considered recruiting Zeno (from Zatch Bell) into your club? I know, I know, he's a mamodo, but he IS evil, and he HAS silver hair...

A younger, purple-eyed and more bratty version of Sephiroth.

Zack, do you mind? Anyways, there's another thing I should warn you about, especially Heero: last night I saw Relena Peacecraft (shudder)prowling around the streets. I think she's looking for Heero...

MENTION NOT THE NAME! That she-demon's ten times worse than Anzu!

Hear, hear. Well, just thought I'd warn you. Hope it helps.

Yours sincerely,

Higure Kimura.

P.S.: More bad news; Tifa's found out where you are.

Xxx

Tifa found us? FUCK! That's not good! CLOUD? Did you hear that?

He's not here right now…

Well then where the hell is he Sephiroth?

I dunno but there's this crazy average sized Japanese man parading around the living room acting flamboyantly gay and drinking sake…

Oh, you're talking about Yukimura…Don't bother him, he's a weirdo, but we keep him around because he's got a powerful family….

Hey, I thought he was from the early 1700s? From the Sanada clan? Dude, he should be DEAD!

Yes, well you should be too, so don't ask before the universe collapses on itself and we all cease to exist.

Hmm…Don't know a Sauron then…but you have to admit it does sound like a cheap Kingdom Hearts name…after all they rip off everyone else…Hell I wouldn't be surprised if they stole the poor boy's name in a later version…

Sadly under the rules of Lord Sephiroth, Supreme Master of the vast greatness that is the Universe (he's holding que cards man I'm not doing this of my own free will) anything associated with Zatch Bell is restricted from our organizations…along with Pokemon, Digimon and Duel Masters…This you see is simply for the fact that we are unable;e to remember anyones fuckign name!

I don't know how you did it man, but you made like three typos on a VOICE typer…Kudos to you…But dude, at least fix the "fuck".

I don't know the voice command for the back button!

Well then type it on the KEYBOARD!

I'm too lazy!

…Typical…

Shut UP man…Or I'll make you baby-sit Yukimura.

That's cruel man…You're evil…

I know! Anyways, don't you worry Heero has been warned! …He's in a state of panic though…He's running out of places in the universe to hide from her…She's a bitch you know….Augh, she's the next demon we plan to slaughter…

Then we kill Sanada right?

No we're NOT killing Yukimura.

But he just drank all the sake in the house and erased your 60 hours worth of Tales of Phantasia game play…

….I take it back he DIES! Good luck with life Zack, yours sucks and so does mine, let's catch a drink some time, no?

Done?

Yep! Oh YUKIMURA-SAN!

Signed,

GOD.

Xxx

_Leo: Okiday! Just so you guys aren't in the dark as to WHICH Sanada Yukimura I'm referring to (yes there are many: the anime one, the game one and then yes the real historical figure) I'm referring to the Yukimura from "Samurai Deeper Kyo". Truly an awesome series, I do recommend it! Kenshin fans would LOVE it! (specially knowing it's a Samurai thing) ((also my current anime/manga of obsession)). I adore Yukimura, because he's just so flippant! Also I've got many idea for anime characters to add, but there are some I refuse to do simply out of distaste for the anime, I won't mention them, as I wish not to offend people who like them, but I'll probably add characters from many that have been requested!_


	72. Fan Letter SeventyOne

**Fan Letter Seventy-One**

…Well…Just so you all know…I failed at killing that game erasing BASTARD! GRRRR!

**From: Chibi.Femi.**

**To: Bakura the spirit thief.**

**Subject: Disturbing/Annoying You**

Mr. King of Thieves Sir,

What do you think of "Screamshipping" (You x Shizuka), "Vexshipping" (You x Anzu), "Philtrshipping" (You x Mana), "Conceitshipping" (You x Mai), "Lateshipping" (You x Amane), "Exoticshipping" (You x Isis). Xx XP Xx XP Xx XP

Anyways, I have a few questions for you.

1) I noticed in your hate-mail to Yami that he sent his mail by the name "gamer'kami'sama", but you replied it by the name "gamer'master'sama". Does Yami have two e-mail addresses or did he never receive the mail?

2) cries How could you let HONDA/TRISTAN knock you out in Duellist Kingdom!

3) How come you called Malik the Pharaoh's "greatest enemy" on Battle Ship? Or is it the Dubbers' fault?

Signed,

Femi

P.S. I wish to use my free "Hug Bakura" card before you send me to the Shadow Realm.

P.S.S. (or is it P.P.S.?) I refuse to worship you. (Though you've mentioned before that you're not asking to "be worshipped")

P.S.S.S. I apologize if I made any spelling/grammar mistakes. (Though I did check it over carefully)

P.S.S.S.S. Before you say I spelled "Duellist Kingdom" wrong, I'd like to say I live in Canada coughtheGAYcountrycough (I'm just glad I'm not a citizen yet... . )

P.S.S.S.S.S. Xx I could've just written all of this in the mail... Oh well. In case you caught that I didn't compliment you, ahem you rock...

dies

xxx

Hmm…what do I think of (insert shipping here)? Okay well I'll tell you! Screamshipping, What moron thought I would go for the innocent, 'I love my dumb brother' type? I mean COME ON PEOPLE! Why must you insist upon turning me into I giant mush ball! (And don't you try and sneak away Leo, I'm on to YOU). Vexshipping, I think I will kill myself now, just for the suggestion…me and HER. I refuse to even put HER name in the same sentence as mine…And notice I put me and HER, rather than her and I, her name does not belong in front of mine…that would be sacrilegious…You who believe in opposites attracting clearly have NO idea what you are talking about…I'll change SEXES before even speaking kindly of that BITCH! Philtrshipping, me and…Mana? Never thought of that one, honestly, I always figured she'd attach herself to Mahaado…Or end up in some weird time altered dimension where she (as herself) gets into lesbian action with herself (as the Black Magician Girl)…Hey I've SEEN it written! Conceitshipping, Me and Mai? If it weren't for the fake accent she develops and the fact that as the story progresses more and more of her clothes seem to go missing… Not to mention she's got Dog face attached to her ankle…just leave me out of that one please…Lateshipping Ew, Ryou's sister…And she's DEAD…yeah I know I am too…but it's only really fun when ONE of the two is dead…not both…that puts a damper on things…damn I sound like a pervert… Exoticshipping, Now here's an actual genuine possibility! The only chick around with enough brains to know when she's been defeated…not to mention gorgeous to boot…Now all I have to do is get her to quit obsessing over the Baka Pharaoh and we're good to go!

Now to answer your questions!

1: Yami has about fourteen emails…I have yet to figure out the last two…Though when they all sound the fucking same, it's hard to remember which one ISN'T a decoy…so I usually just forward it to all his accounts! That way he'll get my email no matter which account he decides to ignore! He's a bastard…he really is…

2: It was all part of my plan….er…yeah….Well come on! How was I supposed to know he had some brain up in there? I was distracted but his atrocious haircut! I mean, you'd stare too if you met someone who looked like they fell asleep in a corner!

3: Dubbers are gay and they misinterpret everything I say, I mean when I told the Pharaoh "There is more at stake here then you comprehend. And this is one shadow game that you can't win!" I really was saying, "Ha ha mother fucker, I'm gonna kill you….for REAL this time!" Though we all know I failed horribly…And it only looked worse because of the English bastardizing dubbers…

Yes, you may use your "Me hug you card." But you're walking to me…I'm too lazy to get up…Don't feel bad about being in Canada…After all you could be a mix of Canadian, Polish, Welch and Irish and live in the Unites States (coughLEOcough) talk about a serious disposition there! )And the greatest thing is I have Leo tied up in the closet and gagged so she can't argue in her favor!) And you know it's nice to find people who don't worship the ground I walk on…means that there ARE normal people out there…but normal in a good way mind you…

Yeah and you're real normal yourself…

…I was hoping to get out of this without being burdened by a Naruto accomplice…Good day to you Sasuke…

Mehf…bite me…

Hey, that bastard stole my NAME!

Eh? Sasuke? Wait…shit…there are two of you….Shit…Okay then I'll have to refer to you by last names…

I don't care…

I just want my NAME BACK!

Okay, you, Naruto's friend, what's your last name?

Uchiha, and don't call me HIS friend…I hate him and I would like him to DIE.

Okay that's nice, how bout you, Yukimura's slave?

Dude, I'm not his SLAVE! And it's Sarutobi.

Yeah right…and what the hell is up with all the Japanese names? And why are all Sasukes' NINJAS? WTF man!

…You did NOT just verbally speak WTF as a word…I know you didn't…

What? You got a problem with that Uchiha?

What if I do?

Well…I will do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about it!…Besides, he maybe younger than you but Sarutobi's a better Ninja than you.

HA I told YOU!

You looking for a fight you midget little silver haired FREAK?

What? You gonna bring it or something? I'd like to see you try! You and your bullshit Chakra, I would so totally SLAM your ass!

Now now children…don't make me fetch Sephiroth…Ninja or no, Sephiroth could slaughter the two of you.

Fine, but he's asking for it.

Psssh, you'd end up getting Sanada to save your ass.

Why you BAS-

CHILDREN! Knock it off! Ugh, I feel like I'm baby sitting…Well in order to maintain any semblance of order around here I must contain TWO NINJAS. I'm getting too old for this shit…Maybe I'll take them to the zoo or something…Hope I answered your questions my friend! And now I'm off to kill myself….Again!

Signed,

GOD

(Note from the Editor who gets more shit from Bakura than anyone else: He didn't really MEAN he was going to kill himself…Just thought I would spare you from any heart attacks or brain aneurisms by telling you so.)

xXx

_Leo: As you have noticed I'm getting a little bit more varying in my "Guest Stars" If there's any one you DIRELY need to see, please do tell me! The guest stars in this one were Naruto's, Uchiha Sasuke (everyone's favorite ASSHOLE Ninja) and Samurai Deeper Kyo's, Sarutobi Sasuke (who has silver hair mind you!). And yes, I just a freaking kick out of the fact that they have the same name XD! But yes I am willing to destroy any possible plot line to bring to you characters from any anime (that I know of anyways, Except One Piece, because not even I can restrain Bakura long enough to get the characters from tat series in the room.) Until next letter (which I still have a LOT of them left…SURPRISE SURPRISE.) Bakura gives you all love!_


	73. Fan Letter SeventyTwo

**Fan Letter Seventy-Two**

I swear to God…Why? I don't know…it just felt like the right thing to say…

**From: Ghostchecker**

**To: You, yeah, you.**

**Subject: Random**

Dear Bakura,

I have always considered myself an atheist, but if you're god, fuck! I'm saved! Nah, I'll stick to blank, have you corrupted the multicolored porcupine/midget yet? I swear I heard his name on the six o'clock news (which I fell asleep after five minutes of it) the other day, eh it was probably just a ten year old with a Popsicle or three stuck in his hair. I have a favor to ask you! Can you tell me some of the shit you've done to people over the years? And not that you used a giant slingshot to send Yugi's hamster to the far reaches of the galaxy, I've all ready got it, I'm writing a fanfic about the crazy crap you've gotten up to and need some help, you'll get credit if I use them (and Leo of course.)

Can I have one of those you-talk-they-write keyboards? I cannot be stuffed writing up half the shit I say, besides my family is getting a little worried when I talk to the computer about random shit, I can't help it! The freezers mad with me, and the TV's two timing with the VCR and DVD player, and don't get me started on the fucking dishwasher and microwave! So I'd like to have an actual reason to talk to the computer.

BTW you gave my computer convulsions from that paragraph in fan letter Forty-two, literally I'm not kidding, when I was half-way through reading it my computer froze, went up to the top of the page, then the bottom, then to the middle before stopping and freezing again all by itself! Thank you very much! Sarcasm my sister says she's appalled at that, cause she wants to be a teacher (yes I'VE told her she's insane, no need to say so, she's been brainwashed! gets hit fuck! That hurt!)

Also, your editor is gender confused; in 'opinionated' it said she was a he, now here it says he's a she! I'm confused help me out here! And Leo, I sympathies with you! I can't cook to safe my life either! I burned lettuce in the microwave once, no kidding, I didn't even think it was possible but I managed it somehow.

And Bakura, one last question, if you had to date someone out of the Yu-gi-oh characters just as they are (no, it can't be yourself and if you choose Kaiba has to be more reasons than his money) who would it be? Okay, that's it from me!

Ghostchecker.

Xxx

Crazy shit that I have done over the years? Well I suppose for you a could list a few of the more major ones…

You see when I first came here from the past I had no idea what half of the modern shit was…because as you all know I wasn't awakened for a few decades before my lovely hikari came along and well, a lot of new things are just so intriguing you almost feel you must play with them all at once. Usually the appliances are the worst, and thus my reasons for hating toasters, but my first true experience was with the dishwasher…It didn't take me long to figure out what a dishwasher did and so I got curious as to what would happen if I put in, oh say, a live animal? I figured it would WASH the animal…Of course I hadn't anticipated it blowing open the dishwater and spraying the room with blood…the best part was that hikari's dad walked in JUST as it happened…so Hikari and I, still in one body got shipped away to a mental camp.

There I managed to single handedly remove myself from a straight jacket and get myself out of the padded room…They never found us after that. Another good instance…This one is possibly the one I like the most. Me and Marik were in a Dollar store and we got the crazy idea to trash this store, without getting caught. And so we discreetly walked around moving stuff where it shouldn't be and turning this store into a disaster zone, then I stopped and looked at some hair gel, just out of spite, since mine is naturally like this. In a joking manner I snorted loudly "A buck? That too damn expensive!" And I flung it off the shelf. Who knew plastic shattered? Oh it was golden mainly because Marik, acting all timid and shit walked up to the lady and said "Miss, this kinda fell." And she totally bought it! Then we stole some gum and left!

Then there was the time I threw some kid and his bike off the pier…Or when Marik and I set up a bon fire in Ryou's room in a coffee can with pictures of Brittany Spears…Or when we redecorated Ryou's room to be an ancient tomb using tons of charcoal, a plastic skeleton and other miscellaneous Halloween decorations…Or perhaps that time that I accidentally shot Marik in the head with a BB gun…Then again I think it was even more funny when we were horse playing and he accidentally kicked the window out…We once decided to make candles out of crayons by melting them over a heated stove top with spoons…That one didn't work out…Somewhere along the lines of that one we managed to cover hikari's bed in melted crayon.

We had an all out water balloon war at one point, where we armed our selves up with water balloons and shit and some where we got the wicked idea to fill them with red dye, and commenced to killing each other with water balloons…Later on after we looked like we were covered in blood we went inside to get the BB Guns…An hour later there were at least twenty armed police men surrounding the apartment! It was AWESOME! They totally bought our, "we're killing each other" act!

Ah, Such lovely memories…though I probably have tons more I can't really formulate any more at the moment…But I'll be sure to write any others I remember! (Well does selling Marik dressed in drag on Ebay count?)

…My freezer never liked me…Neither did my toaster…and the dishwasher still hasn't forgiven me for that stunt I pulled…I don't like the TV…even though it wants my attention…VCRS are old school and I'll use my computer as a DVD player! I'll ask Kaiba about the voice typer thing…I dunno if he's feeling benevolent today…

Heh, just you wait until NEXT time I write a monologue…I have to compete with someone for the greatest most badass monologue in the history of the universe, and God damn it I will not LOSE! …And if it makes you feel better it shorted out my brain for a little while after I finished it…Yeah I am a teachers worst nightmare….HAH HAHA!

Don't ask WHAT gender Leo is…Sometimes I'm not sure…After all I come into the room to see her all but making love to her computer because Sir Integra is on the Computer screen…Might I remind you Sir Integra is a chick…then five minutes later I hear her totally fawning over that baka (completely GAY, and a cross dresser) Yukimura…Her current favorite…That bastard will die…I promise…Though I do want to know how he gets his hair that way…So yeah…I can't even do the elimination effect because she's known to drool over both sexes…(Leo's a freak, just let he/she/it be…we'll just all sit with the concept that she needs counseling…)

Aw…You're a bastard Bakura…I love you but you're a bastard…And THANK YOU friend! Cooking is the DEVIL!

Damn it Leo who said YOU could talk?

…You're mean Bakura…

Oh no…Don't you EVEN! Stop IT! Don't you dare start crying at me! I take it BACK okay! You're not AS pathetic as I say…Just mostly…

Really?

Yes, now go away!

SQUEEE! I LOVE YOU BAKU-CHAN!

DAMN IT YOU IDIOT! Get OFF ME! Don't HUG me! That's disgraceful! SHOO! Go away! …Damn it geeze…freak…Anyways, now I shall answer your question….after I regain my ability to breath properly that is…

…

Aye…Anyways, If I had to date one person from my cast of moronic 'friends'? (FUCK) Probably…Hmm…Female, It would DEFINITELY be Isis…she maybe a Pharaoh obsessing bitch and overly serious, but she's the most likely to suit my personality…On the Male side (which I choose not to think about often)? Probably Kaiba…He's just so much of an asshole…I adore it…That's half of the reason I hang around the guy…Because he's just such a complete DICK!

Well alas I now wrap up this letter…In hopes of duct taping Leo to the wall and loading up my paint ball gun…She's into that masochism stuff…I'm sure she won't mind…Much anyways…

Over and out!

Signed,

GOD!

Xxx

_Leo: I'm still undecided on whether or not I want to even continue this because this story (if you can call it that) has become so stupid…I'm thinking of stopping this at 100 and doing a crossovers one, of which you can send letters to who ever you want…Because it's be so much more fun with more characters. What do you guys think?_


	74. Fan Letter SeventyThree

**Fan Letter Seventy-Three**

…Wow…I am at a complete loss for opening words…this sucks…

**From: ara.broken.goddess(AT)broken-sanctuary(DOT)com.**

**To:Bakura.the.spirit.thief.**

**Subject: Questions**

Dear Bakura (Insert whatever flattery other fangirls usually insert here, sorry, I just don't see a point in wasting our time with it, we all know it, no need to be repetitive),

Congrats on killing the friendship (fuck) bitch, you should be declared hero of the world for that. No, I am not a major fan of any one character, not even you. I don't have the attention span for it. I DO like certain traits from certain characters:

Yami's deep voice (not always the words, just the deep voice itself)

Seto's coldness, sarcasm, and intelligence

Marik's insanity

Malik's eyes

Yugi's cuteness (he just looks like a cute little kid!)

Ryou's british traits and accent (I don't care if ya'll hate it (and yes, I said ya'll, I live in TEXAS, we say YA'LL instead YOU ALL), I find it adorable and amazingly more distinguished, I wish I had grown up in London instead of Texas...)

Your charm, hypocracy (however you spell it), blunt nature, aggresiveness (again, no clue on the spelling), daggers (the most beautiful weapons other than rapiers! Long thin swords are the absolute BEST WEAPONS PERIOD!), and i-don't-give-a-damn-what-you-think attitude.

However, this is not the point of my letter. I have a few questions for you:

1. Why have you not changed Ryou's wardrobe? England is a very fashionable country, why can't he wear that kind of clothing (whatever kind of style you want for him) instead of that god-awful sweater and shirt!

2. If Yami's your bud, then why is there all this whole 'I'm gonna kill you' stuff in the series? You two spend way too much time trying to kill each other, especially during the Millennium World Arc!

3. What's you favorite non-japanese food?

4. AC/DC or the Eagles?

5. 60's/70's/80's or modern?

6. Spikes or chains, if you could only wear one of the two?

7. If the light is being corrupted with darkness, doesn't the darkness have to be corrupted by the light?

8. Who is the most challenging person you have ever played (besides Yami, if he even counts. His luck of the draw thing makes him void in my opinion)?

9. Do you have a favorite game (other than Duel Monsters)? If so, what is it?

10. What's the most correct fanfiction you have read in terms of character personlities, plausibility (does this sound like it could happen? and I have no clue if I spelt that word right), and any pairings it does/does not have?

11. Do you read any other fanficiton, or just Yu-Gi-Oh! fanficiton?

12. PS2 of Xbox?

13. Revolution, Xbox 360, or PS3?

14. Halo or Final Fantasy?

15. What's your favorite song about theives/stealing?

16. Pokemon or Magic: The Gathering (a very popular TCG in America, I think it's about 14/15 years old, it's a bit more complex then Duel Monsters)

please, feel free to correct any mistakes I have.

The Goddess of the Broken

-Ara

PS. What's your favorite breed of dogs?

PPS. Cats or Dogs?

PPS. Do you like Pizza (my favorite food in the world (if I could have any job in the world, i'd own a pizza parlor))? if so, what's you favorite stlye/toppings?

Xxx

Holy crap! Lots of questions! YAAAY! I love answering questions…Anyways, before I get to the main questions I shall take a moment to tell you (the few things) I like about the people I'm forced to suffer with!)

Yami's ability to make a jackass out of himself at any given moment (and the fact that he TOTALLY ignored Anzu (BITCH) who has been stalking him forever.)

Seto, he gives me lots of cool things…and he's a renowned BASTARD!

Marik…Well, his ability to challenge my psychotic-ness…

Malik, his morbid emo, identity complex.

Yugi's ability to be EASILY corrupted…

Ryou's cooking skills…Though I must mention that Ryou is NOT British! He's a JAPANESE exchange student! WRAAAAG! NOT BRITISH! They only did that in English because English dubbers are ASSHOLES!

And of course I like myself…I'm not EMO I'm not about to go kill myself or something like that…(And I have to agree with you the only thing prettier than a dagger is a Long Blade…I've already gotten my hands on Kyo's Muramasa…Now I'm just after Sephiroth Masamune…I don't think I will ever get that one…Then again I'm being stalked out like prey by Kyo too…. Maybe I shouldn't piss off the sword-wielding guys.)

Now to the questions!

1: Well I managed to get him out of the sweater and shirt…but he still needs to learn that…eh, stripes are bad no matter which direction they go in. And QUIT looking at me like I'm GAY Yami! Straight guys can be fashionable TOO!

2: Now see everyone misinterprets us! Y'all (HA HA! I said Y'all too!) don't get all "zOMG they're enemies 4-ever" when you see Sanosuke fight Kenshin, or when you see Naruto verses Sasuke, or Kyo verses Yukimura (whom I still have a very powerful grudge against)! But NOOO when WE fight it's like, "Dude they're totally enemies they couldn't possibly be fighting for FUN!" …Okay yes I know it's a different situation in all cases, but We're not SERIOUSLY out to kill each other…why do you think we're both still alive now? Not to mention we like to confuse the fans…

3: Favorite NON-Japanese food…That's a tough one really…I mean I like steak and all but nothing beats a good ol' HOMEMADE (not fast food, YUCK) Hamburger! (That and the fact that Leo knows how to actually MAKE that without setting fire to all of creation…so I don't have to actually MAKE that!)

4: AC/DC verses The Eagles…You would think this was a hard choice, but I must say that Eagles win hands down on the premises that they composed 'Hotel California'. Granted AC/DC has the 'big balls' song, but still…I have to give the Prize to the Eagles…

5: 80's definitely! While I do love some 70's (Yay Earth Wind and Fire) but 80's is the heart decade of heavy metal! (Not to mention Nine Inch Nails appeared on the scene in the late 80's).

6: Chains! I never really liked Spikes, save for the ones in my hair! But chains! I love chains! Nothing is better than a nice ringing sound when you walk!

7: Light and Dark actually have a circle! Which means I must introduce the third and fourth components! Shadow and Dream/Illusion! You see Light corrupts Darkness, Darkness corrupts Dream/Illusion, Dream/Illusion corrupts shadow, and Shadow corrupts light. And so forth. So really It's an endless circle where one corrupts another and none are corrupted at all in the larger scheme of things…but due to the very high level or spiritual thinking we'll just say that there is no answer! It's an indefinite concept! Man I feel smart…

8: Most challenging person I've ever played? Probably Marik, sad to say, but then again he had an unfair advantage with Ra and all…(And yes the Pharaoh is just plain fucking LUCKY!) But not counting those to on the disposition that they're lucky bastards, who I would have BOTH defeated if it wasn't for drawing a fucking GOD CARD, probably…hmm…You know I really don't know…I can't say Sephiroth because he'll plain out kill me if I win…Maybe Seto? He's got some REAL skills…not to mention kick ass cards…and he gives me free shit…So yeah I'll Say Kaiba…

9: Favorite game? Well, I always was fond of Mahjong. It's like the Chinese Solitaire…Or I suppose UNO was always entertaining….Can't really play that one alone though…

10: Sadly I have found no, PERFECT fanfiction that would be possible in CANNON terms…but then again you can't really have a true cannon story anyway, that would mean you were rewriting the story…Which would defeat the whole purpose of FANFICTION. Though I can point out what NOT to do! DON'T pair me with a character that will try and turn me into a mush ball…I'm evil, deranged mentally unstable! That should be remembered! Also don't pair me with someone equally as unstable that would be apocalyptic. I suggest setting me with someone who would let me DO MY OWN THING! Also, me and Yami may be buddies, but we're not in ANY circumstance going to openly admit and flaunt the fact….in fact…I HATE his guts. (In other words don't write/read anything like/that Leo writes, she sucks).

11: Of course I read other fan fiction…mainly what Leo FORCES me to read…But I'm a comedy kinda guy…I don't really go for the romance, sappy bullshit…Among the ones I've read….I think the one's that amuse me the most have Sephiroth making an ASS out of himself…It happens so rarely that I have to enjoy it even when fictionalized.

12: PS2, now there ARE some games for X-Box that I like but nothing beats a Japanese Platform! Besides X-box is gay.

13: Now I WOULD have said Revolution if they hadn't changed its name to Wii. Which pissed me off…Revolution sounded so COOL! But due to the name change I must side for the PS3. Even though it's expensive as shit, but then again I have Kaiba to supply me with my addictions.

14: I have to go with Final Fantasy…not only for the fact that Sephiroth would kill me if I didn't, but also for the fact that I've been playing the games since they were on the SNES…Final Fantasy Two all the way Beotch!

15: I don't know very many songs about stealing/Thieves…mainly because I won't listen to much of that really dark dark EMO music that must come up with the most insanely wicked songs to get any attention at all…But If we're talking about dark kinda music, then I'm sure Nine Inch Nails has a song like that somewhere!

16: Magic the Gathering all the way! Granted it IS kind of annoying when you draw a full hand of nothing but lands…but then again it's always good to build up your mana pool…The only down fall to magic is the fact that is has more cards than Duel Monsters, Pokemon, Digimon, and the new Gay ass Duel Masters set all rolled together…it's IMPOSSIBLE to find a card you want unless you actually search it out on EBAY or something…Though I do have a spot in my heart for pokemon! (I love my Lapras!)

There were a FEW mistakes…but I'll forgive you this time! I'm feeling generous and I got a kick out of replying to this one…

Oh speaking of which, I prefer Dogs, because cats are really actually hateful creatures….and I like the crazy mixes of dogs…Not one in particular…As long as it's cute and fuzzy but wicked at heart!

And Pizza is good! Not to much my favorite anymore, but I sure to like my meat lover's pizza! (That and the fact that I don't have to cook it myself…I'm lazy you see…And Leo tends to hide her wallet in places that are easily found…That is when Kaiba's not around to mooch off…)

So yes, I'm sure that has cleared up the many great mysteries in the life of yours truly…And now I must go raid Leo's wallet…because now I'm in the mood for Pizza!

Much Love,

GOD!

Xxx

_Leo: NOTE! PLEASE READ THIS! I am no longer going to take letters for this story…UNLESS you are replying to Bakura's reply to yours! I'm still contemplating on another story like this one...But I don't know..._


	75. Fan Letter SeventyFour

**Fan Letter Seventy-Four**

Damn it all…I have the hiccups…

**From: Iyasu Destiny**

**To: Bakura**

**Subject: A Few Questions**

Dear Bakura,

I'm actually a Seto Kaiba fan, first and foremost, but I also like you,

Yami, and Jounouchi. Speaking of Jounouchi, that brings me to my next point.

Stop threatening to kill him! He's done nothing to you! So what if he's not very bright? At this moment, I've hidden him in a secret location until Know for a fact that he will be safe. And I've been making negotiations with Sephiroth as well! So ha! You've got to listen to your president!

I've got another question too. I mean, Kadaj was the main one running around looking for 'Mother', so when he found 'her' he turned into Sephiroth. So, why is he clinging to Leo instead of clinging to Sephiroth? Even though that would look really... gay. Well, actually, it wouldn't, because every time I looked at Kadaj and Yazoo, my mind kept expecting to see breasts on them because they looked so much like girls.

And you be nice to Reno! I like that Turkish asshole! Anyways, since most fans are asking you to marry them, I was wondering, what is your ideal person like to get into a relationship with? Oh, in case your answer makes a lot of fangirls start saying that they're the one for you, I can help you out, since although I'm a fangirl, I don't want to marry you. Now, my girlfriend has a freaking shrine to you, and I think she's stealing the rest of your chewed bubblegum to get it. I don't know how she's doing it, but I hear that's why Cloud's been over so much. Oh, and next time you see Seto, ask him when he's going to pick up Mokuba, I mean, he's cool and everything, but it's like he's adopted me for the sister he never had, and that's just... creepy. The kid's been here for two months already! Seto promised me that he'd teach me to hack if I kept Mokuba! Also, I have your favorite dagger. Cloud was pissed off at you for handcuffing him to Tifa, so he stole it. I immediately recognized it from all the pictures that my girlfriend has of you and your things, so I took it from him. He doesn't know I have it, but I advise we meet someone so I can give it back. Along with your British-flag pants. Yeah... he had those too.

With love,

Iyasu

Xxx

If it makes you feel better darling, I'm probably a Kaiba fan boy too! But only on the pretense that he gives me stuff…And COME ON! Jounouchi is RUINING my hikari! …But I won't kill him…no, that's not my plan, my plan is to ruin is life! Make him suffer for the rest of eternity…Know this Jounouchi: I'm after you.

And Sephiroth's negotiating with YOU! Sephiroth you betraying BASTARD!

What? She offered Animal Crackers…who am I to decline?

You are the perfect picture of pathetic Sephiroth…Now don't get me wrong I adore you to death, in a non-gay-non-flamboyant manner, but you're just pathetic…Ahem, on the subject of Kadaj and now Yazoo's weird affixation with Leo as their mother, I can't answer that…Apparently Leo has Jenova's blessing…and she decided to bestow a part of herself on Leo…Luckily the bitch (Leo) hasn't turned silver haired…that would be bad…Kadaj doesn't seem to comprehend a difference…Kinda pisses me off….that Baka (Leo) never made ME cookies before….

Oh freaking hell Bakura, I made you a giant Dark Necrofear CAKE! FULL SIZE! Albeit it wasn't edible…because it's common knowledge that I suck at virtually everything outside of drawing and writing, both of which I find questionable anyways…

That's not the POINT! You've stopped loving me you WHORE!

I have not! I adore you just as much as before!

LIES! You love YAZOO better than me! Hell I think you're learning to love Kadaj just as much! I mean fucking A! Sephiroth has a bigger spot in your heart than I do now!

That's not true! Besides, you don't actually…CARE.

True…but that's not the freaking point!

…You're a total asshole you know that? Anyways, I have to go post bail and retrieve Reno.

Say WHAT?

Yeah he got arrested…I'm sure he'll tell you when he gets back…And if you promise not to bad mouth me when I leave I'll buy you a REAL cake on the way back.

FINE…………Is she gone?

Yes, Bakura…She is gone…

THAT BITCH! HOW DARE SHE LOVE YOU MORE THAN ME!

Bakura, chill out…NOW.

Yes Master…….You get a kick out of making me submit to you don't you?

Perhaps I do.

Bastard…And while I know that I will promptly receive letters of : mary mi mASTER! (yes, spelled like that), I will answer you! I would be best suited with someone who is as insane as I am, yet obedient…Someone who would be as vicious and psychotic (which most of you silly teenagers THINK you're psychotic…but breaking your arm jumping out of a tree isn't psychotic…it's stupid…) someone who would be willing to harm themselves willingly (we're talking REAL pain…not that cutting/scratching shit) and doesn't mind that I may ignore their needs on occasion…because I will expect them to do the very same!…I just would like someone who is not a poser, or weak.

No, Bakura I will not marry you.

You think you're funny don't you Sephiroth?

Yes I do.

Bastard…Again…And so CLOUD had my pants…or are they decoys too? FUCK! Where are my precious pants! …And you need to tell your girlfriend she's a nut! And give her a high five too, since I'm not there to do it myself. And that does explain why my favorite dagger has gone missing…Cloud will die…But most likely by Sephiroth's hands…because he never let's me do ANYTHING… I will tell Seto for you! I know that Mokuba can be…a….handful.

No worse than Yukimura…

He's drinking the Sake again isn't he?

Yep…

GAAAH! DAMN YOU, YOU GAY LITTLE JAPANESE MAN! Damn it! RAWR! Sephiroth close this letter while I go kill him!

…Okay……………….

….

Um…. bye?

Signed in name of,

GOD (or so HE thinks).

XxX

_Leo: I've decided that I will make a crossover version XD It will be vastly different than this one though...In that you'll have to ask questions in your email and such XD! Anyways, I'm going to open a forum on my mainpage with a list of characters I will accept letters for and that you are NOT to send them via review and other stuffs. XD! _


	76. Fan Letter SeventyFive

**Fan letter Seventy-Five**

Oh god…I warn you all ahead of time…

**From: angel yugi's wife **

**To: Bakura the Spirit thief**

**Subject: None**

dear king of theifs

i hav captured you precious british flag set of cloths!

you must answear the following ransome within 24 hour or the chothing will be

torn up by rabid anzu fangirls

mwahahahaha:

want,

my husband yugi back

and 2 million dollars

cya

angel

xxx

….This person cannot be serious….I mean….Can they?

You're funny when you're twitching…

Shut UP, DUO. This is SERIOUS! I mean, can you see the amount of RED my computer is glowing with just from the misspelled words Microsoft Word is underlining? How can I SERIOUSLY be worried! …Besides…Cloud gave back my pants…

…Last I checked Yugi-chan isn't married….

Duo, you're American…why are you using Honorifics?

Because Heero-chan taught them to me…

You DO know that –chan on a MALE is degrading right?

It's does? I thought it was being nice and cute and stuff…

That's why you use –kun. It would be Heero-kun, not Heero-chan. Besides, you should probably call him Heero-dono.

Dono? I've never heard that one…

Dono is like the highest respect man…It's the equivalent of calling him Lord Heero. Because Heero is scary and lordly. Sama is too…kinda…more like a Sir though….Wait a minute…why am I teaching you this…this…SHIT!

I don't know but I am taking notes, just so you know!

You're a loser…but I could teach you Spanish next!

Really?

No.

Aww…you're mean!

…Ack…dude this chick actually used 'cya'! Oh I think I'm going to be sick from the blatant disrespect for the English language!

…EW…I think I'm inclined to agree….Hey Bakura…what is today?

…Thursday I thin- SHIT! Thieves meeting was rescheduled to day wasn't it!

YES!

DAMN IT! WE'RE LATE AGAIN! Uh, eh, BYE!

Signed,

GOD

Xxx

_Leo: Apologies to the writer of the letter, but I warned that I may rip apart letters to suit Bakura's purpose! …Not to mention Bakura is a bit of an ….ass…_


	77. Fan Letter SeventySix

**Fan Letter Seventy-Six**

Jesus I'm bored…all my buddies are ignoring meeeee! (…oh wait I'm ignoring them…my bad…)

**From: Kai M**

**To: Bakura the spirit thief**

**Subject: Questions**

Bakura,

You missed a word in chapter 42, using to for two. Why are you scratching

yourself there...?

Bad Anzu (shit!) music! It burns! By the way her favorite music is DDR,

hopefully not, because my brother is blasting it in my ear. I think she's haunting me... Oh, Marik wants his toothbrush back, and he has still has yours, which is buried. You don't want it back unless you like eating... well.. White stuff. : Just, he killed our toothbrushes as well; my Mom chased him with a dagger for miles.

Scary, trust me, scarier than Yami stripping, or fucking you. Bad images... You may scream, shut up Yami, you have no right.

By the way, every time I say Anzu (SHIT) I say that, because I can't stand saying her name without screaming. I found your British flag shirt, I think. Unless you got it back and Yami buried a different one in his backyard... Under used condoms. Who in there right mind would do that?

I have some questions, an overused phrase.

1. Why is Yami staring at your butt all the time?

2. Have you ever worn your hair in a ponytail, or pigtails?

3. For above: Which would you prefer?

4. Do you wear pink, ever?

5. Submissive or dominant? (YOU!)

6. Why are you blushing all the time?

7. Why the hell does Yami get lucky (take that as you will Yami, though you'll never 'get lucky' sexually) when dueling so much! It's not fair!

8. I have a game and you're the only one I can't beat... Then I beat you once, but beat Yami twenty times. How can I beat him, but you can't? Then I can't beat you!

From

Kai, your anonymous stalker and master

Xxx

Thank you darling, for over analyzing my letter. I won't EVEN begin on yours! Just kidding darling! I only had to fix two mistakes for you!

One, Marik is a freak and I refuse to talk to him any more…(the frozen hand kinda killed my need to converse with him…) Second, Marik is getting NOTHING back until he gives me my right tennis shoe…That bastard thinks I'll forget! Hell no! And Yami…EW…Just EW…

And I THINK I got my pants back, but I'm not so sure now…I mean who knew there were so many pairs of British flag pants floating around? One day I will get passed all the fecking decoys and get the REAL pants back, if I don't already have them…here's hoping I do…If not I'm sacrificing Leo in the next black mass. Yami is a sick creature isn't he? I don't even try to ask any more…

And I will answer your questions!

1: Yami stares at me, because he thinks I'm a chick…He swears up and down that I can't possibly be a guy…If you want impossible guy there are other more convincing cases I think…Ahem, Yazoo, Ayame, Duo with his hair down….Yukimura…(who I swear is either a very pretty woman, or a VERY pretty gay man). So yeah…Why do people have to go about making me seem all womanish? I'm like one of the MORE masculine guys of this whole fiasco!

2: Yeah I've worn my hair up, not pigtails though…I only tie is back when I'm working in the back yard…Hair gets in the way and gets dirty when you're digging graves you know.

3: I haven't tried pigtails…because I'm trying to avoid the stereotypical "OMG he's got long white hair, HE'S GAY!"

4: Pink is the devil…Not even Yukimura will touch pink…and when he could easily pass off as the gayest human in existence that SAYS something! I WILL never wear it! EVER!

5: Heh me submissive? Not a chance! I like to be dominating!

6: I'm blushing? Oh it's probably because it's so hot outside all the time…gives me fevers a lot…You know once you've spent 3000 plus years in the shadow realm's FREEZING atmosphere the outside LIVING world does things to you…

7: Yami is a dick…I don't know why or how he manages to beat me…and I hate him for it…then again it IS just a card game…and I COULD just punch him in the face next time…You know I think I will do that…

8: Because everyone KNOWS I'm actually BETTER than Yami but he lucks out like the motherfucker that he is…and I'm not going to tell you how to defeat me easily! That is like almost STUPID! (Use lots of trap cards and magic cards…mainly ones that negate other trap cards and magic…and watch out for those man eater bugs!) NOPE I'm telling you NOTHING!

…Ah, that was refreshing…the soda I mean…Yeah…I've gone four days with out a soda…so leave me ALONE! Well now I have to go make sure the rest of the house is still standing. What with insane company and all…

Signed,

GOD.

XxX

_Leo: I'm going to make mention of this again, just to make sure everyone got notice of it, I AM NOT taking anymore letters for this story as of right now! If you so DIRELY wish to send me a letter from a character than you can do so on my other story that is similar to this one! Go to my forum for info on that._


	78. Fan Letter SeventySeven

**Fan Letter Seventy-Seven**

…Man I am tired…You know how hard it is just to be awesome all the time?

**From: A.Crazy.Bakura.Fangirl**

**To: Ultimate Ruler Of the World Bakura**

**Subject: Funny!**

Dear Overlord Bakura Who Roxers My Soxers,(got it from my sister)

I read your response to letter 38, and laughed at your first P.S. message. You got the Kidney Eating Calico Colored Guinea Pig from G4TV, didn't you? I love that channel, especially the show X-Play. Do you watch X-Play? It rocks. I also love Cheat, because it's like stealing the answers to a video game.

Hehehe...I'm babbiling(sp?)now...Oh, by the way, I had a great time at the Bad-ass Thief meeting, I can't wait for the next one.

From The Video Game Obsessed, Bank Robbing Fangirl Who Continues To Write To The Overlord,

Mikonama

P.S. I sent Sephiroth a whole truck full of animal crackers...don't ask how, but I did...

P.P.S Please feel free to laugh at any and all mistakes in this letter...

Xxx

Yes, in fact I did get the guinea pig from G4, they were very nice when they handed him over…They said as long as I feed him before midnight and don't get him wet he would be fine…They laughed…but I didn't quite understand why…I love X-play! I love the hosts! Adam and Morgan…what bland names…but such funny people! I would SO host a show like that! That would be awesome! I occasionally watch Cheat…While I really DON'T have a game system…All I have is a GBA…Or at least that's all Leo has…she says "Go SNES all the way." Yeah…she's an old fashioned dweeb who still plays games with pixels…

I do think the last meeting went very well…while I was not exactly expecting the meteors to rain down on us…I finally did get on to Lina for that one…I told her that is she was gonna do her black magic sorcery she should do it outside, or at least aim at Gourry so we'd get an amusing show out of it…But she's stubborn…I'm not going to challenge her though…I don't like to stab women if I don't HAVE to…

Sephiroth DID get the Animal Crackers…And he's got them in a nice hiding place…Like the obsessive bastard that he is…He sends his Thanks to you…And since I am all but his WHORE I deliver the message!

And don't worry I won't laugh…I've decided to relax a bit more…Leo says I'm being too HARSH on you guys…I don't think so…But then again she would know because I criticize her stories until she nearly rips her hair out……I am an asshole you know that? Anyways, until the next meeting my friend!

Signed,

GOD.

Xxx


	79. Fan letter SeventyEight

**Fan Letter Seventy-Eight**

You know I really DID have a clever quip to stick up here…but I forgot…But I swear I did!

**From: Galdhbeth, Empress of the Universe.**

**To: Bakura the Great.**

**Subject: Dark Lapris.**

Does your life really depend on that one card? grins evilly Perhaps I'll trade it, though I've grown rather fond of it myself. (and haven't you noticed the play on Alexander the Great I've done with your name? looks around in amusement).

Signed,

Galdhbeth, Empress of the Universe

P.S. My universe contains tweleve planets that all support life.

P.P.S. You're more than welcome to visit them on the pretext of trading for that card.

Xxx

Yes, my life does depend on that card…Though you should know that's it's Lapras, not Lapris. Just so you know! Sadly though I don't really adore Dark Lapras like my regular…I'm a strict supporter of the FIRST 151! The good ol' age when Pokemon DIDN'T SUCK. And just as I predicted they would…they did indeed make a Pokemon series where a normal kid gets turned into a Pokemon and all of a sudden they can talk…The world has come to an end I swear…

You are PATHETIC, yo.

Damn you Reno, I didn't ASK for you opin- WHOA! HEY! You never told me why you got arrested!

I was hoping to avoid that…

Well come on SPILL IT!

…Well you see…it was kinda stupid really… Kenshin and I got into a fight on who's hair was more obvious…and he went battousai on me…mind you we were in Walmart…

You got into a fight with that MAD MAN in WALMART? Are you STUPID!

What was I supposed to do? I couldn't just…NOT fight back! …Well I got busted for blowing out the Garden Section…He made a get away…Lucky bastard…I thought he was supposed to be REFORMED?

…So he leads everyone to believe…He's really a psychotic killer deep down inside…And come on man you should know better than to start the HAIR argument against KENSHIN! He will win that one every time except when Sephiroth is involved…then he lays his weapon down…Or when it requires him to fight Kyo. No one wants to fight Kyo…Not even Sephiroth wants to fight him…Mainly because every time Kyo shows up somewhere EVERYONE is almost COMPELLED to say "Demon Eyes Kyo" five thousand times!

Augh I know what you mean… Well…either way…I think I made out pretty good…

You didn't actually LEGALLY get out of jail did you?

Nope…apparently Leo is good with a crowbar….

I won't EVEN ask…Nor will I ask why you are wearing her camouflage pants.

Hey they're comfy…Oh and Hey are you gonna trade with this person for Dark Lapris? If not I may just email em myself.

Oh BUG OFF! This is SO MY offer here! I AM the one who will take this trade asshole!

Fine fine…I was just asking…Besides I need Scyther more anyways….

You're a loser…

Oh you're one to TALK!

Shut up…Hmph…I'm going to go SULK now…

Signed,

GOD.

Xxx

_Leo: I'm slowly having the life sucked out of my by endless amounts of Kenshin music…life is good!_


	80. Fan Letter SeventyNine

**Fan Letter 79**

Yes, I'm not dead, just lacking response time, I'm slow, leave me alone!

**From: Bakuras Pet  
To: Bakura the Shadow Master  
Subject: Bored**

Dear Thief King or (see my name) Master

I was bored saw this and wanted to send you a letter. Well actully I have two reasons.  
1. I ran like hell out of the living room because my little bro was watching ... B-Bar Fuck this... B-Barney. Have you ever seen that show?(answer that) Its horrifing! Please PLEASE! Kill that that person who made it.  
2. I have questions.  
Have you seen the Yu-Gi-Oh Parody? Just go to Google Video and put Yu-Gi-Oh Parody. There fucking funny. I'll goth Ryou up if you want. Me and my friends have the perfect thing.  
Oh and guestion for Yami... why the HELL do you hog BAKURA'S SCREEN TIME YOU EGOMANIAC BASTARD!! Bakura you don't kill him I will. Speaking of kill please kill Honda. He is annoying me to know end. I hope to see you again Master Bakura.

Signed,

Bakuras Pet

P.S. Q for Marik, Yami of Malik I read a story that you stole the Baka Yami's hair gel and styled it like him!?

P.P.S. You stole my fucking Game Boy SP you Bastard! But yet I still love you! B.B.F.N!

xxx 

Now now, I did not steal your Gme boy, it just happen upon me and I merely kept it with me so that I may one day return it. Naturally I HAD to play it to ensure it worked! 

Oh and Barney is a perfectly acceptable Icon. Now you may think I'm insane for stating so, but if you have to baby sit, Barney is a GOD. Especially to small children. It just so happens that small children have very short attention spans. Which makes it hard to keep them entertained, but Barney does a great job of taking care of that! Great for children! Just wonderful! (Oh and Kadaj likes it too...) 

I DO NOT! 

Oh Kadaj you lie! Your mother would be broken hearted! 

You're not funny you ASSHOLE! 

Watch your mouth young man, it's not fucking nice to swear. I mean really! Do you kiss your mother with that vulgar mouth? 

Stop making fun of my mother!!! 

Children! Aren't they just fucking wonderful? Anyways, what was I saying? Oh yes, you suck-cough-er I'm just kidding. Hold on one moment. SEPHIROTH! Stop blaring that fucking System of a Down garbage! 

BITE ME! 

Damn it I can't hear myself think! 

That would require thinking- 

Shut up Kadaj. And quit sticking your tongue out at me. ANYWAYS, before I was rudely interrupted. Oh and no, I don't bother with video streaming...It's a blessed waste of time I think. I have much more to do, like bitch at Leo to make her finish the fanfictions where SHE makes me gay. Which I question why I do that. I'm not gay...Yet I allow her to do that to my image. Damn her. 

And would people stop aking me to kill people!? I'm less likly to do it if I feel pressured! Besides I don't take requests. I'm busy trying to kill Yami anyways. Fucking Pharaoh. 

Oh and by the way dear, you should have used "they're" in "There fucking funny" after all there sindicates location! 

And Marik responds to your question with: "Dude, do you belive everything you see written? If that's the caese then I'm gay with Bakura and having Yami's love child, while being Seto's cheap slut, all while fucking up my hikari and getting Yugi pregnant...By all means ew, but seriously, fans are stupid creatures. My hair is NATURAL. Yami's is not. Big difference." 

And I further that by saying e DOES use SOME hair gel, damn liar. 

Well that's all for now. I must go meditate and contemplate ignoring this account some more! (Or I'll let Leo do that in my place, she seems quite good at it I think.) 

xx 

_Leo: Yeah I know it's been a while...I'm still gonna do 100 though...At least..._


	81. Fan Letter Eighty

_Leo: I AM TAKING NO MORE OF THESE!_

**Fan Letter 80**

It's been a while…no?

**From:Peacelover4eva-at-aol-dot-com**

**To: Bakura The Spirit Thief (to be given to Heero)**

**Subject: Love letter.**

To Heero Yuy, my beloved,

How much longer, sweetums? You have no idea how much I think about every single second of the day. My passion for you burns like a thousand suns! How I long to collapse into your aems and never let go!

I know you are in hiding from our destined love, and thus I make this ultimatum: be my husband in 24 hours, or I will confiscate Wing Zero from you and paint it pink with pretty flowers.

I hope you make the right decision my sugarplum.

Yours forever,

Relena Peacecraft-Darlian X (to the power of 1 million)

Vice Foreign Minister of the ESUN-cum-future wife

P.S.: BWAHAHAHA, you should see your face Heero, it's absolute GOLD! I wish I had my video camera...

Your fellow pilot, Duo Maxwell.

Xxx

Oh. Dear. God. Duo…Just so you know. You are a dead man. I mean, personally I'm horrified…but when Heero finds you…you're dead…I mean, you should see the look on his face right now. I tried to get him to talk but he chewed a hole in my arm. (Though I gotta give ya props for having some massive balls…)

Why's Heero look like he's about to have a hernia?

Read this letter Kadaj.

…Oh…God…That's horrible.

I know. Then again. It's not like Heero's coming after us…Which makes us lucky. After all Marik's never been the same since Heero took a cast iron rod to his backside.

I thought it was illegal to cane people in this country?

Ah, blame it on Leo. She fails to tell us these things.

What happened to that cat iron rod?

Oh, I set it up in my room just in case I should ever kidnap a pole dancer. You never know when that may happen.

Hey, Heero's back.

Whoa…Heero…dude, what's with all the blood? And…oh my god, is that's Duo's braid! You killed Duo!?

Ceremonial sheep's blood. It's a ritual. I almost had him. But this was a decoy braid. He slipped away.

You didn't follow him?

He went into the kitchen. With Leo.

So? Go in there!

She's cooking.

Ooooooh….That explains the hesitation. I wouldn't go in there either, that bit- OWWW! Son of a whore-bag! Leo stop throwing dishes at me! How the hell can you hear me anyway? You're what? You've set up a network streaming the audio? Oh that's cheating! No. I swear, I'm not saying I want cookies. You're making them….I don't want cookies! Oh god, please, I apologize! I don't want a cookie from you unless it comes in a plastic wrapper that says Oreos or Chips Ahoy!

…I like her cookies…

You're a naïve boy, Kadaj.

Reno likes her cookies.

Reno's a dip shit.

Sephiroth likes her cookies.

...You got me there. Little bastard, you know I can't down talk Sephiroth. I'm still suffering from the time he caught me referring to him as a 'dildo'.

Oh? What'd he do?

Monologued me to death. He's getting real clever now. In his spare time he records his monologues and then emails them to me telling me if I don't open them he'll know and he'll monologue me in person. Then he quizzes me on the content of the monologue to make sure I read it.

Oh, ouch. How many words?

More like pages Kadaj. Pages. The man doesn't breath. I swear. There's not other reason in the world I can think of for him being able to talk so long without breathing or dying…Oh! Heero! Duo just escaped the kitchen!

I'm on it!

BAKURA YOU TRAITOR!

Sorry Duo, but I had to suffer too, so you deserve a painful end! Anyway, augh. I need to find some inspiration here. Bleh, I got nothing.

God.

Xxx

Leo: God. Is anyone reading this anymore? Hell I know I'm not XD I'm going to 100 and this is over. The end and going into the Leo's Worst Fics Ever pile.


	82. Fan Letter EightyOne

**Fan Letter 81**

…Oh yeah? Yer mom…

**From: Pharaoh Felicia **

**To: Bakura the Spirit Thief**

**Subject: hi**

Hi BAKRUA IM FELICIA I TOATLY LOVE U!

i ahve a series of questions 4 ya

1. wat do u think of ryou?

2. did ya know im also a thief from kul elna?

3. do u believe in ghosts?

4. wats ur fav. movie

5. wats ur fav. food

6. wats ur fav. drink

7. can i borrow the millenium ring?

8. (from question 7) its for a project in school

9. is it true that ryou was captured by pirates

10. tell me about the millenium items

gtg bye!

-Felicia

xxx

Oh my dear god, child. Are you dyslexic? Half of those words were spelled damn near backwards! I'm silently twitching at the use of 'ur'. God help me get through this letter.

But since you did ask some questions that weren't: 'will you marry me?' I will answer them!

1: Ryou is possibly the biggest girliest pansy I've ever laid eyes on. When I see him in that sweater I'm almost gravitationally drawn to pick on him. In fact, I think there is a force field that actually pulls in all people cooler than Ryou, so that they may bully him. But aside from that, he feeds me more than Leo. So I think I'll keep him.

2: Kul Elna no longer exists dear. You can't be from Kul Elna. Besides, I watched everyone die.

3: …I am a ghost. …But other than that, bah, Ghosts are make-believe bullshit.

4: Favorite movie? Oh that's a tough one, but right now probably Clerks II. There's so much insulting and swearing in that movie that I mentally orgasm every time.

5: I don't know anymore…It's such a hard decision and if I say 'yer mom' then someone will get offended and try to sue me. What? It worked for that kid against Yahoo!

6: When they make an alcoholic beverage that's like 500 proof. That will be it…Until that day man….

7: I'm not loaning my ring! Are you crazy?! I'd rather give you my nuts in a sandwich bag!

8: Not even for a project!

9: Oh my god! So it was true! I've been hearing rumors! But since everyone seems to say that maybe it did happen! DAMN YOU JOHNNY DEPP! I told you and your gay pirate ass to leave my hikari alone!

10: About the millennium items? Okay, I think I can do that. Okay you see a long time ago there was a pharaoh. This pharaoh was an asshole. This pharaoh had a son who very closely resembles a firecracker in mid-burst. This pharaoh's advisor got the bright idea to kill off all my people in order make seven giant, sparkly, magical, hunks of costume jewelry. But the thing you don't know is that he did it for a reason that no one knows about! Sure they say that it was for power, but in truth, it was because he wanted to give the necklace to Isis in hopes of getting some. Of course, naturally her refusal to give him booty really pissed him off and he decided to use their powers. So the pharaoh died, and the pharaoh's son became pharaoh and this new pharaoh (with the firecracker head) decided to act like a righteous bastard, thus making me look like a dick head for trying to kill him and what not. Then there was the new pharaoh's sidekick, Mahaado. A real ass kisser there. I tell you he tried to kill me by locking us in a tomb, that son of a bitch. So I bitch smacked him (because my pimp hand was clearly stronger) and took his Ring. Naturally I tried to kill the pharaoh. But at least I was nice enough not to go with my original plan and go like Hannibal Lector on him. I don't really have the taste for face flesh anyway. But then we all died and got locked in these over obsessed golden loads of shit. The end.

Wow, that last paragraph shows just how full of shit I am. Either way, there you have it! Your questions have been answered and for the love of all that is holy, unholy, and fucked up in the middle, please learn how to type! Or I may just have to bleed from the eyes.

Yours not so truly,

GOD.

* * *

_Leo: I have no idea why this story still even exists -.-_


	83. Fan Letter EightyTwo

**Fan Letter Eighty-Two**

Lookie…I'm not DEAD yet.

**From: Cyber mage **

**To: Bakura the Spirit Thief**

**Subject: None**

Dear Hot, Sexy, Cool, Badass, Bakura,

I think you rock! You should be awarded with gold (lots of it) for killing Anzu and ending her friendship (fuck) speeches. I want to say you are the best thief EVER!

Anyway on to the point. I have a few questions for you?

(1) I know you like 80s music, like Def Leppard but do you like Bon Jovi?

I do but Def Leppard better.

(2) Ok I've been wondering...Is Ryou a descendant of you or just a Reincarnation?

(3) Who is your best friend?

Well that's about all I can think of for now. Except...If you had a chance to relive your first life back in Egypt, would you chang anything about it?

With much Love,

A fan.

XxX

Of course I rock. I am Bakura. No one rocks harder beotch. Man I tell you what. The font I'm typing with is really fucking with me. I hate you Microsoft word… I shake my fist at you. I'm a great thief by practice of course. That and I have lots and lots of lackeys willing to take the blame should I ever actually fuck up. Which doesn't happen, but if it ever should happen we all know I'm good as safe.

To answer some questions:

1. Bon Jovi scares me to hell and forth. He thinks he a cowboy. Heh, a hair band writes a cowboy song…I'm more of a cowboy…actually if he's a cowboy, then I'm a rapper! A black rapper! And we know that's not true because I'm a damn albino! I'll admit there are a few songs I like. But I prefer Ozzy, Def Leppard, Eagles and the occasion modern day tune like System of a Down. On a rainy I listen to Mozart. I don't lie. Well….I do….just not right now.

2. Ryou isn't a descendent, because I never had children. I was too busy trying to kill Pharaoh-baka. First person to make a '4000 year old virgin' joke gets a screwdriver in the face. Actually Ryou's just a really unlucky bastard. Shares a name in common with me and looks just like me. He's unlucky. That's all. Because he's technically not a reincarnation, because we have separate souls and what not. Ah well. Poor Brat.

3. My best friend-er-shit? Oh that's a tough one. I'm obligated to say Sephiroth when he can hear me, but he's not here. I would say Kaiba, because he gives me penguins and coats and lots of money, but as far as hanging out…Either Marik or that baka Pharaoh. Probably Pharaoh baka, because he doesn't run around with frozen human hands streaking in people's front yards like Marik does…Damn…it's sad when Yami is my best…not saying that fucking word.

And if I could change anything about my past? I'd probably have stolen a cooler millennium item. Like the Rod. That's like a golden Pimp cane with a point on the end and a dagger hidden in it. Damn you Marik, you lucky son of a bitch.

I'm sure that answered something or nothing…Who knows. Now I have to do damage control. I spent too long away and now there is a stream of magma trailing out of my kitchen. This is what I get for leaving Marik unsupervised….

Damn me.

Signed,

God.

_Leo: Yes…I didn't forget about this fic…just got lazy XD_


	84. Fan Letter EightyThree

**Fan letter Eighty-Three**

_Which is actually just a continuing arguement, despite the fact that I am totally right._

**From: Teh Angel of Nocturne From: Teh Angel of Nocturne**

**To: Bakura the spirit thief**

**Subject: It is ON, bitch!**

Dear Bakura-chan (Just to annoy you….), hypocrite to his own rules on grammar,

What the hell is with you not caring anymore about the shit we (and when I say "we" I kind of mean "I") throw at you? Care, Ra-damnit! It's not that much fun pestering you if you don't FIGHT BACK!

We are on letter #5 right now (wow this has been a long journey) and as for my sister not doing a good job with Marik… well hell, it's MARIK! You would think it would be easy to spot him doing something bad but sadly, no, it's not. And it drives my baby sis CRAZY!

What's on his list of strange unauthorized activities? Let's see:

Allowing himself to be sedated, put in a dress, and have a make-over (it was against his will but if he hadn't left the house that would have NEVER happened!); writing letters about friendship with my sister's assistance ( He fainted the first time he wrote the word "friendship" … fuck… so my sister had to type it all out for him); taking someone's dog and running it over with a bicycle(it was not a car and it was not HIS dog); going to strip poker on Fridays; drinking Liquid Plummer (we had to send him to the hospital for that… I blame YOU for giving him the Ra-damn idea!); trying to make a pie factory (supposedly in Hitler's honor and that didn't sit well with the Jewish neighbors); and of course, skinning cats and managing to kidnap your guinea pig.

But onto bigger and better things, I don't blame you for being sexy—unfortunately you just ended up that way. Though, I do sometimes wonder how licking blood off of a gold Egyptian relic or stabbing your own arm is at ALL a turn-on… whatever, that's for you to question. Anyway, it's not you I'm mad at… it's the crazed fan girls who give me the willies. I mean, sheesh… the love is fine but the worship is an all out cry of insanity!

I have one thing to say to you fan girls… GET A LIFE! And not the one your currently have (if you can call it that).

Oh, I watched Final Fantasy VII Advent Children, so now I understand what the fuck you're blabbering on about when you talk about Vincent's arm or his cell phone (though, where in all the flying fucks did the Sephiroth and Animal Crackers w/ frosting thing come from?). It's all very amusing now that I understand it.

Oh, and tell Yazoo that he IS a Down syndrome brat (all we're missing is the drool and wandering left eye)… and tell Cloud I feel sorry for him about Tifa. Bitch should get a life.

….

If I promise Sephiroth an animal cracker will he pole dance?

….

Just asking.

My best friend now likes your letter responses because they have FF and Gundam Wing people in it… by any chance can we get Heero's autograph… and in blood? Oh, and tell Duo I want that hand in the freezer… I think' it's my boyfriend's….

Ha, just kidding! I don't have a boyfriend! Never did, and probably won't for a good few years. Not that men are any good anyway… that includes you too, Bakura the ex-spell checker. And maybe even Yami… no, Yami's an angel, scratch that thought. He is an angel and I loves him!

And I know you're laughing right now so shut up, Bakura-chan.

Oh, and this shall give you something to think about: the evils of the Furbies. I have experienced them as well, as a victim to their hostile attempt at taking over the world!

One Easter me and my little sister (the one who was previously whacking Marik to death with a 2 x 4) got Furbies as a gift from my grandparents. We played with them for about two hours before we got bored of them and tried to turn them off… but they wouldn't. We even removed the batteries and they CONTINUED TO TALK! (…creepy…)

Anywhoo, we threw them in a closet, and guess what? THEY WERE STILL TALKING! They didn't stop for a few hours, and after that… never heard from them again, fortunately.

But that's not the end of it! One of my friends had a Furby that also didn't stop talking—her family dissected the damned thing, looking for which wire to cut to shut it the fuck off and, well, apparently these things are possessed by some lame-ass spirits because it KEPT TALKING! A literally inside-out Furby, STILL TALKING! At that point my friend threw it out into the backyard, and she told me that it continued to squabble for two whole days until it rained—after that, all was silent.

You know, I bet YOU could have a Furby army, Bakura-chan! They all seemed screwed enough that they would SO follow you! But seriously, they are messed up toys, no one should get one. And we all thought the Japanese were taking over with Pokemon… pshaw….

Anyways…wait, Leo has CLAIMED Yazoo?

O.o

I guess I'll tell my sister… but she will NOT be pleased… she loves Yazoo ta pieces, and since Marik has currently taken residence beneath her bed until hell freezes over, she might need a new playmate.

And I'll tell Sephy you called him a dildo… just ta piss you off… before he buries you six feet under!

Actually knowing Sephy he'll probably cremate your scrawny ass… I'll have a nice little jar waiting for you when you're done, though! 'Cause I'm NICE!

You know, I realized that this letter hardly has enough Baku-bashing in it for meh. Maybe I should ask around and see if I can get any dirt on you for future blackmail… like the toasters you've obliterated ta Hell and back. Perhaps they'll give a few comments… I wonder if you can go to jail for toaster homicide…..

… Why do I get the feeling that this letter has become a completely useless throwing of monkey shit?

… Maybe that's 'cause it is.

Hey, have you ever watched Harry Potter? And if you have (or haven't)… have you ever watched PotterPuppetPals? They're online and it is the sweetest gig ever! They even have a naked Dumbledore and Voldemort being shot at with rifles! It PWNS!!

I think you'll like it, even if you've never watched HP… but it helps to.

Moving on, I don't get the point of why I even write these letters anymore, since you just rip them to shreds and make mean comments that are actually empty and should make no difference to me but do because I actually have a heart unlike some people, hint hint, you, and just because they are funny they do hurt people's feelings if you haven't noticed because I'm sure you must have with some of the people you bitch to or did before about bad grammar mistakes and spelling errors that of course you make yourself all the fucking time and still you blame it on Leo, which is cruel of you because she is like your number one fan except now I believe that she is replacing you with something far more loyal, we'll say, Yazoo which might be better for her because they way you treat her is totally inconsiderate and you literally walk over her like she is nothing which is not true because without her you wouldn't be on the damned computer typing responses to useless fan mail that usually consists of girls and maybe guys trying to get into your pants or worshipping their ass off for you by making shrines and claiming you as the God of their religion, which by the way how is that going you know with the whole Sephy-kura-ism thingy that everyone seems so fond of because you only mentioned it once in a letter and you didn't go further into explaining it like maybe if there was a church dedicated to it or something, or if you guys had a website dedicated to it but if you do then tell your peeps about it I'm sure they'd love it, but moving back to what I was saying before you are an inconsiderate, slimy, foul-mouthed albino thief who just happens to have good looks despite your malicious and spiteful personality which I bet if we saw that instead of your sexy—I will say sexy but just to annoy you I shall also say "cute"—physical form which by the way how the fuck did you get a physical body in the first place or are you still controlling Ryou which I doubt because I would think Jou would be dead if you were also in Ryou's body when they were dating or even worse making love eww isn't that a sick thought for ya, 'Kura because it is for meh and I think that's odd because I'm a yaoi fan as much as the next gal but you put up a great point in your one letter where you asked why they make everyone gay you know the YYxY, BxR, SxJ, YMxM, OxH stories where every male in the whole Ra-damn thing has a pairing and all the females are left to themselves I mean WTF not everyone can be a friggin faggot in YGO I mean that's perfectly impossible, well maybe not but still it would seem logical to just, say, make you and Ryou gay that would be the end of it but you already said that SEPHY WAS YOUR DILDO so I guess poor little Ryou was out of the question, oh that poor little British ninny, eh??

….

(Panting right now, please hold)

….

That… was… a long… rant… 542 words… 42 words… longer… than yours… ha… beat that… Kura-bitch…!

Phew! Well, now that THAT is out of my system, I can refocus on whatever bullshit I was talking to YOU about…the bullshit was probably you… haw, haw, haw, HAW.

I'll just steal your use of the "haw's" for now… see, I can be a thief too, ya dumb Egyptian hypocrite!

Oh wait, I think I hear a girlish scream… no sorry that Marik… I guess my sis is currently pulling him out from the under the damn bed… my god, did she kick his nuts or something? He's hurting my ears, damnit!!

Oh, and Evanescence rocks like Hell, they PWN everything! They are the best effing thing in the whole wide world except watching a drunken male orgy in Hot Topic (random thought) and did you know they've got a new CD coming out soon? I think it's called The Open Door, and it comes out in October! I SO bet you're gonna steal yourself one, right Baku-chan?

If you like Evanescence then get Nightwish CDs too, because Nightwish rocks OMIGOD I love them so much!! Steal one of those too while you're at it!

I think I should close this letter up before I continue to blabber like a psycho school girl about random shit (like I've done for the last three minutes—including a rant!)… and I had best find Marik before he… oh, never mind, too late, he just went out the window… ya know I don't even think he realizes he doesn't have any clothes on… okay, the dog collar with the chain must count for something, but… yeah, that poor fucker. I'll have to talk to my sister about that one…I don't wanna get sued by our elderly neighbors… but I won't have to if I get Sephy to KILL THEM ALL! BWAHAHAHAHA!

… Yeah, I'm blabbering again, aren't I?

Well then, till the next letter!

From The Yami Fan Who Just Beat You in a Rant,

Teh Angel

P.S. I found out where your British Flag pants are! They've been buried in a small hole in my backyard by Marik because he wrapped the carcass of his dead dog in it for burial purposes….

If you want it back… um… you can have it. The dead carcass is free too.

P.P.S. Vincent says you owe him a cell phone and three cookies… and an arm.

P.P.P.S Cloud said he wants his dildo back… you know "the" dildo.

P.P.P.P.S. Sephy's your dildo? I thought your dildo was 5'2" with white hair, a sweater, and a cute little British accent… woops, sorry Ryou-san! My apologies ten fold!

… but none for you, Bakura-chan! I like that, let's say it again! Bakura-chan, Bakura-chan, Bakura-chan…

Baaaa…Kuuuu…Raaaa…CHAN!

Xxx

Oh my such spite, such anger, such distaste! Oh how it pleases me so! At last you've retaliated worthy of my true potential in ass holery! (actually dear I love ya to bits, but you just entertain me so much I can't help myself.)

Marik…Tsk tsk tsk…He REALLY needs to be locked in a place where he can't get out of. I mean he's been spotted all OVER the place! It makes me wonder how he gets from here to there all the time. I mean Marik's not the brightest crayon in the box and probably doesn't even know what a yen is, let along has any to travel with. It's a wonder he hasn't been kidnapped by a street gang and gang raped repeatedly…Oh poor, stupid, Marik…Tell your sister she's failing in her duties.

And yes, I truly understand, fan girls are almost the epitome of evil. And no I'm not claiming the epitome of evil, that would be Jenova's slot. Fan girls, however obsessive as they are, make perfect targets for my personal gain. After all, my mission in life was to gather an army, and I believe I've done so. Not to mention gotten myself quite a helping of fan mail as certificates of my pwnsomeliness. And don't ask me why people thought the eye licking thing was hot…I only did it because of the blood lust and the fact that I was trying to show up Sephiroth…didn't work, but it made me look cool I guess…I don't think I could win against Sephiroth…He's taller, more built, with prettier hair, and a bad ass sword…Yep I lose. But hey at least I'm second in line! I'll settle with that. Besides Seph's got that 'mother' complex.

Just…don't ASK about the Frosted animal crackers…Leo uses them as a bribe when she wants Sephiroth to well…destroy something…apparently he likes animal crackers enough…I don't see why she bothers though when it could be ME she asks! But NOOOO! Has to go and get HIS help! Not that I'm jealous or anything. Leo can go to hell.

Yazoo scowls at you for agreeing…I just thought you should know…Not that he really cares, I think he's come to terms with his Down Syndromeness…just goes to show that people with "disabilities" (you could say), can be cool…I suppose.

Sephiroth said if you give him enough animal crackers he may just give you a personal lap dance too. I don't know but I think he was actually…serious…He's addicted I swear…You can blame Leo for that one…She's the one who started that whole deal…A bitch that she is…and NO I wasn't not intentionally poking fun at Kenshin…who happens to be in my living room having a 'clean sword party' with Sephiroth, Kadaj, Kyo, Yukimura, and Sesshoumaru…I think they're all freaks…(Yukimura more then most).

Well, my pals, are flattered…Heero said he'll consider it…though I think he's plotting something devious…So you MIGHT get that autograph written in Relena's blood…I wouldn't put it passed that maniac…Heero can but just a SLIGHT bit mental…We love him though…and none of us has the balls to say anything other wise…

Oh and we HAVE indeed figured out whose hand it was that was in the freezer…Though I was under the impression that Jenova didn't have hands….which explains HOW Leo has been corrupted by Jenova…I swear on my life the other say I saw a silver hair on that bitch…I promptly ripped it out and made her go make cookies…which she burnt anyways…but at least this time they were EDIBLE…tasted like chalky dirt, but they didn't kill anyone this time…

You're absolutely right…Men are NO damn good…we're bastards…don't care about anyone but ourselves and completely enjoy making you women hate us…unless we want something, then we're known to suck up a bit. Sex is your weapon women…use it…(I just told you the secret to men…USE THAT KNOWLEDGE TO YOUR ADVANTAGE!) Unless said men is either gay, or Yukimura… If they are option one…then get a really sexy man to hit on them or something…If they're Yukimura…then there's no helping that issue…Because there is no creature in existence that can match that level of 'still sexy' gayness…I mean I'll be fair to the bastard…he's incredibly gay…but not like Richard Simmons gay…he's still got that "I'm a flaming homo" charm. I know you probably have NO idea who I am talking about, don't worry about and go on with your happy life…It's wise to stray as far away from the radiating toxic homo-ness that is Yukimura.

Ouch man, that is just cutting me straight to that quick now isn't it!

I specifically told you NEVER to speak in my presence didn't I?

Yes, you did…But dear me! I just couldn't help myself!

Augh…I am going to promptly ignore you now…Ahem…moving on. Furbies are SATAN in a toy form…I SWEAR IT! I SWEAR ON SEPHIROTH'S LIFE! That I heard one of those bastards Hail Satan and perform a black mass! I SWEAR!….Oh wait that was me…But seriously, I swear! It DID! They are Satan's means for taking over! He's like 'you know what man, fuck the rapture! I'll produce a toy with the power of KILLING god!' And fucking hell I think he did it! Leo got one for Christmas a couple years back and immediately took it outside with a hammer…That is no lie…then she used the spare parts to fix her remote control car. I'm still surprised she actually fixed it…It WAS a cool car…

I wouldn't get between Leo and Yazoo…She's like dedicating the world to Yazoo…There is no higher form of obsession…which PISSES ME OFF! …Then again she's taking a liking to Lord Homo (Yukimura). I mean…More like a new obsession…I think she gets a kick out of the fact that she can dress him in female clothes and he'll go along with it…Though…if he WERE a woman and dressed like that…I'd have to admit…I would SO hit that…I hate Leo…Either way…your sister would not last very long against Leo and her obsessive nature…And please…don't EVEN challenge her…or you may know the wrath that is Leo's bad cooking…er…cough I mean her temper…yeah!

Sephy knows I call him a Dildo. I'm his cheap side-whore, and he's my Dildo…we like to freak out the straight people with that…ourselves included. Heh…Kenshin is our Pimp. Who knew he had such a good sense of humor under that Goody goody two shoes act?

It's easy to forget your human morals when you hang with you people a lot, that it is.

Thank you mister sunshine. Remind me to slip you some date rape drugs, so I can have my way with you.

I'm sorry, but I believe it is I whom owns YOU, is it not?

Oooh, clever quip Lord Kenshin. I readily await your punishment for back talking!

Hey huh, you two just tell me when I'm to bring out the camcorder!

Dully noted dear Sephiroth.

And you people call ME gay?

But you ARE gay Yukimura…

KYO-SAAAN!

Well it's true.

If we're not careful we will fully have everyone believe that NONE of us are straight…I mean I myself question my sexuality when I look around and see not ONE female within miles…Leo doesn't count because, despite her CHESTly disposition, she's more of a man than the rest of us seem to be.

Sesshoumaru! Don't call me a MAN! I'm a WOMAN!

Please, you're so gender confused your poor readers don't know whether to call you Ma'am, Sir or a combination of both…

Oh very nice comeback, Kyo.

Thank you Bakura.

I'm not GENDER CONFUSED! …Okay maybe I am…I don't like myself…I hate myself actually…God…I hate all of you! I'm gonna go CUT MYSELF NOW!

…The sarcasm you come off with almost…I speak almost with UTMOST emphasis, comes off as cool.

Thank you KYO-CHAN!

Augh…Go die…

Aw, I think she's just too cute!

…Yep…Leo if Yukimura thinks you're cute, you MUST be a man…

FUCK YOU!

…Shit man, how did I manage to get THAT side tracked? DAMN MY BUDDIES!

Anyways, now I must unleash the ultimate monologue! It's like omnislash…only better.

I am, without a shadow of an unprecedented doubt, the most immoral bastard in the universe, and I relish in the knowledge that you think I am less than perfect because that means somewhere in that biting wit and irritable calling of my flaws that you actually pay enough attention to me to notice such things, as well as you actually interpret the words I write when I barely take the time to care about the response and what are you talking about, I'm a master of the English language and Leo can go die a horrible death as she is the reason I have yet to update this glorious letter for the world to see with her ignoring me and not giving me internet access in for fucking ever, she a bitch for the umpteenth time, which that word pisses me off, you know, it's just a made up word like fo shizzle only less cool sounding and I still don't understand why I almost got my ass kicked for saying fo shizzle to a gangster when I was on my way home from the grocery store yesterday, I mean he was just in my face and I thought he was going to kill me with his rancid breath attack, like a pokemon move but less cute and without the cheesy background music and dumb ass kid with a baseball cap and some shit and Oh My God they changed Ash's voice actor in pokemon, not that I watch it or anything, but I was watching it and noticed his voice totally sounded wrong and gay and very prepubescent teenage kinda dumb; wow, I don't know where that was going but back to what you were ranting about with something about everyone being gay, I'm glad you agree though I don't think it's gonna change, I guess these people watch too much gay soap operas; which leads me to stray topics once more to question the legality of a soap opera; how can they rightfully call it a soap opera if it is not A. soap related or B. Opera related, I mean I know they call it that because once upon a time they used to play a shit ton of soap commercials during these BSdramas, but I still don't understand the relevancy of calling it an opera when there is no singing, nor foreign language, nor creepy looking costumes and trailing back into the relevant topics, Ryou is not British damn it all, they made Ryou into a British Ninny because apparently everyone thinks British people are polite and soft and very wheeny, but my Ryou is a Japanese Transfer student damn it, I mean I've never met a British person with a name like Ryou Bakura, and I hope I never do, because I would likely beat the flipping tar out of him for being a wheeny, hmm, maybe Ryou is distantly British after all; hell I wouldn't know, I don't pay attention to him any more because I have new friends that love me; yeah okay that's a bullshit lie, they don't love me worth a damn and I know it, but I have much too much going on to keep up with the daily workings of the hikari known as Ryou and I will have you know I am not dumb, hypocrite yes; but dumb, hell no and you can protest all you want, according to the government you're free to protest all you want, according to my person belief system I'm free to harpoon knives out my window as a counter strike, thankfully the government doesn't know I exist and as a last final word before I die of lung over deflation, I have out done your pathetic monologue by a landslide and with great ease, clearing your monologue by a remarkable one hundred words.

(Pause for resurrection proceedings.)

Ah, there we go, my lungs are experiencing life again. And since I have nothing more to say,

Have a great fucking day,

Love the guy who just whooped your wordly ass in rant power. BOW to the master.

* * *

  
_Leo: I don't know what possessed me to pick this up again...I guess I will want to subconciously make it to 100, despite how retarded and lame this is. This one especially peaked my interest. And I apologize for the massive block of text...no one challenges Bakura's monologuing skills...except maybe Sephiroth. _


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